


The Forgotten Temple

by Kontheria



Series: The Great Odyssey [1]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-11-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 20:16:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 69,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14504667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kontheria/pseuds/Kontheria
Summary: Pan awakes on an alien world with a headache. Where is she? How did she get there? She decides to put her trust into a group of people in green uniforms. But between shadows of her own past catching up and her headaches growing stronger, what is going to happen next?





	1. Knowledge of the Ancients

Deep blue skies showed twinkling stars when I finally opened my eyes. My head hurt and it was hard to focus, but the moss under the high trees was softer than I had ever felt and the soothing wind made the leaves whisper. When I raised myself up on my elbows a sharp pain made me cry out and fall back down. I couldn’t believe what I had just seen rising between the branches: a planet, giant and red, was pushing itself above the horizon. For moments all I could do was stare at it, it’s enormous horizons and white and blueish streaks across its surface until my headache subsided and my heart calmed down.

Only then did I notice the absence of life, no birdsong, no rustling in the undergrowth and no cicadas. It was as if no life ever had developed here. I was surprised at myself how calm I was, studying my surroundings with so much attention to detail instead of panicking. This wasn’t earth, none of the stars in the sky showed familiar constellations, and I was by all appearances abandoned on an uninhabited moon orbiting a strange planet in an unknown solar system. But part of me knew there wasn’t a point to panicking and losing my mind, after all, there was nothing I could do. I had no idea how I came to be here, there weren’t any space ships except in the books and films I enjoyed so much, and even if the red giant was a known planet, it was not at all known to me. And not just my location was unfamiliar, also my clothes had changed since I last was conscious. Instead of my beloved jeans and shirt I seemed to be dressed in a long white gown, held on my shoulders by oval, bronze brooches and tightened around my waist with means of some leather ribbons, patterned in a strange design I had never seen before. Also my long, brown hair was loose and by now covered in dry leaves and twigs.

With great care I sat up once more and started dividing my hair, taking care to keep it off the floor. Usually I would pin it up to stop it from getting the way, simply sitting down was enough to trap the tips under my legs, but none of the sticks on the floor were sharp enough to make it through my auburn mess, so I gathered it over my left shoulder in the front and hoped for the best. But looking at my surroundings, I felt it would be a miracle if I got far without catching on branches with my dress and hair with every single step I took. Nevertheless, I decided to abandon my comfortable bed and go in search for some sign of civilisation. If some aliens had kidnapped me, I found it unlikely for them to abandon me in the middle of a forest for no reason whatsoever.

I hadn’t walked far when I heard a cracking not too far from where I was, and the noise seemed to get nearer. Desperate I reached for the closest branch on the ground and weighed it in both hands. It had been a while since I held a weapon like this, and unlike the angel sword I once had, this would be much more difficult to use. The wood was dense and the stick was heavy, but at least this meant it wouldn’t shatter on the first blow. I had no confidence in being able to defend myself with nothing but a stick, but I hoped whoever was coming towards me didn’t know I was here and would be surprised enough by my attack, for me to gain the upper hand. Panting I reached a forest giant and cowered between the great roots, hoping I was hidden from sight. Should whoever was stamping through the forest simply walk past me and was not in fact looking for me at all, I planned to stay out of their way and, if possible, find out if they could help me.

The steps came closer, and I was certain it was at least three people coming my way. I tightened my grip around the stick and saw my knuckles stand out white against the dark bark. For a few moments I held my breath as the steps came ever closer. I didn’t dare look when I heard one set of boots—I was sure they were boots—stop walking right on the other side of the great root behind which I was hiding. Someone was breathing heavily and I heard multiple guns being cocked. It seemed my chance of a surprise attack was getting slimmer every moment I waited. But I hadn’t expected many people, so was there any chance at all?

With a suddenness that even surprised myself I managed to jump up and swing around to attack the man standing behind my root. He stopped my swing with a simple movement of his hand and his face was as wooden as the noise my stick made when it met with his palm. I knew well enough not to fight the new direction of the stick but accelerated it on its path and aimed instead at his head, but again his hand stopped me. I retreated, never letting him out of my sight, so that my next attack might get his knees. In that moment, I felt a light brush against my left arm, then I heard the sound of a gun being fired. Someone shot at me. Did they miss? I didn’t look, tried to use the few moments I would have before the shock would wear off and the pain would kick in, with all my might I half turned around and aimed a sweeping attack at the man’s shins, screaming with determination, but he merely stepped on my stick, and before I realized what had happened, his giant hand was around my neck and held me up against the tree. My feet lost contact with the floor, and no matter how hard my fingers dug into his hands, his grip didn’t loosen. My mouth opened and shut with the effort of gasping for breath, but no air reached my lungs. Not a sound came over my lips when I tried to shout, communicate, something, anything. In this very moment the pain spread from my left upper arm like a supernova across my entire body. Blood started running down my arm and dripping off my elbow. The agony was too much, my arms dropped to my side and only a faint whimper escaped from my swollen lips. I could hear voices behind the man, some shouting in anger, some in fear, but all I could do was stare at the man whose hand was my death sentence. His eyes were black as the abyss, his skin nut brown, and under his bald head his forehead was engraved with a gold symbol: two ovals encircling a waved line. My vision was starting to get dark and I saw flashing lights in the corners of my eyes when I heard one single voice shout: ‘Teal’c, that’s enough!’

The man pulled his hand away from my throat and I dropped half a meter before my feet hit the ground and my legs collapsed under me. For a few moments all I could do was stare at my opponent, unable to breath through my crushed windpipes and I felt my body burn with the pain of my wound. I had never been shot before in my entire life, and it was certainly an experience I hoped never to repeat. Slowly I felt my throat ease up and with huge gasps I breathed in life once more. Two people rushed to my side, while my opponent turned and walked away to the group of people that had come through the trees. All of them seemed to wear an olive green uniform with symbols on their arms, shoulders and front pockets. With difficulty I turned my head to my left. Someone was carefully lifting my hand into my lap to expose the wound on my arm. My head lolled like I was drunk, and I saw the blurred image of a woman with short blonde hair, I saw her lips move but I only heard the murmur of voices and the sound of the leaves overhead.

I watched her hands carefully bandage my arm, saw the blood push through the layers of bandage she put on the wound. As my breaths slowed, the slightly slurred feeling to the world vanished and I felt I could see her quite clearly. She was a beautiful woman, maybe just over thirty years old, her hair was cut short, but her blue eyes and face shone with a female radiance that would turn any man’s head. I couldn’t help but stare at her while in the background the chatter of the voices became more comprehensible, even though the context didn’t seem to make sense to me.

‘Sergeant, did I order you to shoot?’ - ‘No, Sir, but-’ - ‘Did I in any way ask you to fire your weapon?’ - ‘No. Sir, but-’ - ‘Didn’t I specifically explain there was to be no use of weapon against unarmed-’ - ‘But Sir! She was attacking-’ - ‘She had a _stick_ , sergeant, a _stick_! Knowing Teal’c, I’m sure he could have handled it. And if you interrupt me one more time...’

Then suddenly her face got serious and I heard her say: ‘I’m sorry, this is going to hurt a little.’ With force she pulled the last rounds of bandages tight and started to make a knot into it. The pain shot from my arm through my entire body and I couldn’t help but scream. It felt as if someone was amputating my arm without regard for me, blood loss or the fact that rusted saws posed a vital threat to my health and life. Then the pain ebbed off, and I saw the syringe the woman pulled out of my shoulder.

‘It’s just painkiller,’ she said with a smile when she saw my face. ‘And the wound isn’t too bad, no major arteries where severed, so all we have to do now is keep it clean. You’ll be fine.’

‘Thank you’, I whispered hoarsely with all the voice I could muster after being strangled. I felt a grip around my right hand loosen and turned my head to see a bespectacled man, also in his thirties. He had short brown hair and a chiselled, handsome face. His uniform said soldier, but his soft, slim hands and the intelligent look in his blue eyes behind the round glasses contradicted that.

‘Hi, I’m Daniel,’ he answered my curious look. ‘Dr Daniel Jackson. How are you feeling?’

‘I just got shot,’ my cynic vein took over, while the rest of me was too shocked to get a word out. Why? Why did it have to be that name? ‘How do you think I feel?’

‘Fair point,’ he said and gave a little embarrassed laugh. ‘Sorry, that was a stupid question. What I meant was, are you well enough to get up?’

There was still a numb pain in my arm, which the blonde woman had put into a sling and was tying around my neck now, my throat was sore and my legs felt like rubber.

‘Could I have another minute?,’ I rasped, trying to hide the fact that I didn’t feel I should stand on my two legs until I had a good sleep. And I had too many questions.

‘Sure’, he said, sitting down beside me and trying to cross his legs. He looked like a stork trying to do yoga. ‘Can you tell me who you are?’

‘I’m Pan,’ I replied, pulling the now bloodstained skirts of my dress over my bare feet. As the sky was getting darker, the forest got colder by the minute and I felt it like sharp stings on my skin, even with the painkiller. But I resisted the urge to cross my arms, remembering the sling and, more importantly, the still oozing wound in the bandages. ‘And this,’ I gestured around with my right hand, ‘is not technically my home.’

‘Not ours either,’ said the blonde woman, packing up her first aid kit back into her backpack. ‘I’m Sam, by the way. Major Samantha Carter, but Sam is fine.’

I smiled weakly and nodded to thank her.

‘I guess we have time for some introductions,’ said Dr Jackson, then he gestured to a wiry man with short grey hair, probably in his late forties, shouting at a group of younger men in uniform, one of them kept looking at his shoes and nodding. ‘That’s Colonel Jack O’Neill and this,’ he pointed at the man I attacked, who seemed like a silent mountain next to the other soldiers, standing there with his arms crossed behind his back, ‘is Teal’c.’

I saw Teal’c look my way and resisted the urge to look away again, deciding staring him down was my best option. He almost killed me, choked me even after someone had already shot me, but after looking into my face, he briefly bowed his head in my direction and I thought I even saw the corners of his mouth twitch upwards for a fraction of a second. I nodded back at him and turned my attention to the other soldiers.

‘And who are the others?’, I asked hoarsely and tried to clear my throat. My voice still hadn’t fully recovered.

‘To be honest, I don’t know their names either,’ Dr Jackson murmured and shrugged. ‘Collectively we call them SG14. They’re pretty new and for most of them it’s their first mission.’

‘And what is SG?,’ I asked raising my shoulders and hugging my elbows.

I saw the man called Colonel O’Neill detach himself from the group and walk over.

‘Can we get moving?,’ he shouted in our general direction.

‘Do you think you can get up now?,’ asked Major Carter. ‘It’s getting darker and we still have a bit to go before we can make camp.’

‘I ... I can try,’ I stammered, surprised at the sudden change of topic. With both my helpers’ hands I managed to get to my feet and even though my knees were shaking violently I managed to take a few steps towards the group of soldiers. Then my feet slipped on a branch hidden under the leaves, and hadn’t Dr Jackson held on to my healthy arm, I would have hit the ground. They helped me back on my feet again and I managed the last few steps on my own.

‘Good,’ said Colonel O’Neill. ‘Let’s go.’

No questions, no explanation, the others simply started following him as he marched through the undergrowth. I tried my best to keep up, Major Carter walked ahead and caught up with Teal’c. For a while I found myself staring at his neck and shoulder muscles and wondering if he could have simply snapped my neck. I was probably lucky to be alive. So I found myself walking with Dr Jackson and decided it was time to ask some more questions.

‘Your major said before that this is not your home either,’ I said as quietly as I could while still being heard above the noise of boots trampling through the forest. ‘What did she mean by that?’

‘Oh, we’re not from around here,’ was his vague reply.

‘Not from this moon, you mean?’ I hoped the hope in my voice wasn’t too obvious, but he didn’t seem to notice.

‘No, as a matter of fact,’ was his answer and he smiled again. Every time he did that, little dimples formed in his cheeks, and I caught myself hoping he would smile more at me, just to see them again. My cheeks suddenly flushed hot and I was happy it was dark enough so Dr Jackson couldn’t see me blush. This was wrong. Why did it have to happen again? ‘We come from a planet called Earth, and it’s pretty far away.’

‘Earth?,’ I gasped, suddenly feeling alive again. ‘As in Terra, solar system, Sol3, one moon, closest planets Venus and Mars?’

‘Yeah,’ he answered, his forehead wrinkling. ‘That’s the one.’

‘Yes!,’ I shouted, punching the air with my right and instantly regretting it. Through the sudden movement my other shoulder started hurting and it felt like I ripped all muscles in my left arm off my bones. With a yelp I fell to the floor, hugging my hurting shoulder and breathing through my teeth, my eyes pressed shut. I felt my body starting to shake violently while a fire was still burning under the bandages. Slowly the pain subsided and when I opened my eyes again I noticed an army jacket around my shoulders. When I looked up I saw Colonel O’Neill in a black t-shirt standing before me and offering me a hand.

Carefully I reached for it and had him pull me back up on my feet. Then he held up a warning finger.

‘No more questions until we make camp.’

‘Yes, Sir,’ I murmured, still feeling my shoulder and arm pulse in pain. I blinked as he turned away and felt cold streaks on my face. When I reached up, it felt wet.

‘You OK?,’ asked Sam next to me.

‘Yeah, yeah, fine,’ I replied. With my right hand I pulled the jacket tighter around my shoulders. My skin was so cold, I couldn’t tell whether it made a difference or not, but it made me feel a lot safer. When I had a closer look I saw symbols and stripes on the shoulders and sleeves, one a huge circle with a strange symbol in the middle, the others made little or no sense at all seen upside down. The only one that made any sense to me was on my right chest and said ‘O’NEILL’.

The group started moving again and though I tried, it was too hard to keep up. Sam waited for me when I fell too far behind and walked my pace with me. The sky was so dark now, the trees were black shadows against the red planet in the sky. There was virtually no light at all, and I only avoided colliding with anything and loosing my way by following the faint silhouettes of the soldiers I saw walking ahead of us. They had slowed down and when we had caught up with them I noticed a tension. Most had their guns in both hands now, looking around at the trees. Then they started fanning out, moving as stealthily as possible with their army issue boots, heavy backpacks and both hands on their guns.

‘Something is there,’ I whispered, but nobody was listening. Sam had moved ahead and had a quiet debate with the colonel. Teal’c held a weird looking staff and was looking around at the tree tops. I could feel it too, a faint electrical charge in the air and a buzzing that seemed to come from everywhere. But unlike the others it didn’t put me on edge but it felt reassuring, like a warm hand on my shoulder. ‘They are the guardians.’

I had no idea how I knew that, but it felt – right. Somehow this all seemed familiar, and when I finally spotted one of the hovering spheres I nearly laughed with relief. The soldiers were uneasy, but seemed reluctant to open fire without provocation. Some of the spheres started buzzing in a deeper tone and emit faint sparks of blue light.

‘Don’t shoot,’ I cried out, and suddenly had everyone's attention, including the spheres. They shot towards me, circling me in a spiral of flashes and then hovering in a spinning circle above my head. As we all watched they created electrical sparks between each other, forming a circle of light and then suddenly they all discharged into my head. To my surprise it didn’t hurt one bit, it just felt like a strong water current pushing against my skin. It still seemed to draw all strength out of me and my knees gave way once more and the lightning disappeared. Then it was all over. I saw figures rush towards me and held up a hand, warning them not to get too close. A message formed in my head and I understood it was the spheres that had transmitted it. Guardians they were indeed, and of what I could only now begin to understand.

‘They are not your enemies,’ I said quietly, but the eerie silence of the forest carried my voice to everyone in the group. ‘They are the protectors, the guardians of the lost temple. And they said they will not attack unless provoked.’

‘Guardians?,’ asked Teal’c, lowering his staff. ‘How did they tell you this?’

‘The electric charge,’ said Sam behind him. ‘It’s a direct neuron link, same as the connection between synapses in the cerebral...’

‘Yes, fascinating, Carter,’ came a bark from Colonel O’Neill. ‘And once more for the normal people?’

‘The lightning was the message, Sir,’ she tried to explain.

‘Ah. Was that all of it?’

‘Not quite,’ I said, getting back to my feet.

‘Well, care to tell us the rest?,’ Colonel O’Neill asked me impatiently.

‘Directions and the secret entrance,’ was my reply. The information had just appeared in my head, and now that I had them, I could use them. ‘The guardians will only give them to those they consider worthy.’

‘Ah,’ said the colonel with a sarcastic grin. ‘And you’re telling us that you are?’

I shrugged with the one shoulder I could use. ‘No idea. They just said it is up to me to help you find it, or, if I don’t trust you, not.’ That wasn’t what they had said, but the true message was too confusing and embarrassing to tell anyone else. The guardians had given me custody of the temple and its location, assuming I was the only person allowed to know and to pass that knowledge on to others. They had said normal travellers were given a test to evaluate their character, but why they had made an exception for me remained a mystery. Since they had struck me with their sparks the headache had become worse and in some moments strange images flashed across my mind. Images I didn’t recognise, some of a shining city and some of glowing letters.

But for the moment I focussed on the map the spheres had left in my brain before they had disappeared into the darkness as fast as they had turned up. The colonel allowed me to lead the group and after only a few moments I had led them on an overgrown path in the forest. The old cracked stones that had once paved it could still be seen in places under the young trees. Obviously it hadn’t been used in a very long time, but it still formed a much easier way through the forest, the branches weren’t as dense and without my skirt and hair getting caught every few steps I picked up speed. Apart from the information the guardians seemed to have given me new energy and while the headache stayed, I finally had full control over my legs once more.

As we approached two pairs of columns, I slowed down and saw the colonel lift his hand for the rest of the group to stop. There were two columns, one on each side of the path, and a few meters further two more, spaced apart the same, but the remains of the path stopped before the first two pillars. The forest looked no different from anywhere else, but I felt a breeze, too strong to be coming from between the mighty tree trunks, and I knew that this was the place the spheres sent us. Dr Jackson pushed his way to my side and began inspecting the symbols on the pillars with a torch.

‘Any clues?,’ called Colonel O’Neill.

‘Not really’, Dr Jackson called back to him. ‘Just something about a hidden door and only those of noble character being allowed to enter. The rest’, he saw the look Colonel O’Neill was giving him, ’well, let’s say it isn’t related to the temple at all.’

‘That’s because they are on the wrong side of the door,’ I interrupted. Dr Jackson looked me with his eyebrows drawn together, then he walked back toward me and cocked his head on one side.

‘The wrong side?,’ he asked.

‘I’ll explain later,’ I said. My fatigue was getting stronger again and I knew there wasn’t much time before I would terminally run out of energy to keep going. And what I had to do next would take even more strength than the way here. I motioned to the others to stay behind me, then I turned to Colonel O’Neill. ‘I need something made from silver. Or gold, gold should work, too.’

‘Why?,’ he asked, screwing up his face in disbelief.

‘They expect me to use the ceremonial knife,’ I started explaining, not quite sure where the information came from, ‘but I don’t have it and no time to look for it, so I need something made from the same material to open the door.’

He pointed at the oval discs that held my dress together at the shoulders.

‘What about those?’

‘Copper, Colonel. It won’t work, trust me. Silver or gold are the only metals that will get us in.’

All looked at Teal’c. I looked at the symbol in his forehead which even now shone golden in the light of the planet overhead, but if this was their answer I would have to find another way. I wasn’t here to humiliate anyone. But to my surprise he reached in the breast pocket of his black vest and pulled out a gold pendant on a chain. Without a word he approached me and placed it in my outstretched hand with a bow of his bald head.

‘Thanks,’ I breathed. Then I cleared my throat and addressed the colonel once more. ‘The doorway won’t be open for long, so please stay close behind me and follow quickly.’

‘You heard her,’ he shouted over my head. ‘No dilly-dallying, we’re on the clock!’

I took a deep breath, placed the gold medallion in the centre of my palm, tied the chain around my hand and knelt down next to the front left pillar. Moving my hand through the air I drew an arched doorway between the two pillars bordering the pathway, and maybe it was my imagination, but I was sure I saw a gold trail remaining in the air, even when I had finished I still saw a faint outline.

‘Follow me,’ I told the colonel, and without waiting for an answer I stepped through my doorway.

 

On the other side there were no trees ahead. The second pair of pillars stood as before, but the path continued between them and I knew the symbols had changed. Further down the path sloped into a shallow, treeless valley in which I saw the ruins of a great building reach for the sky like the long dead carcass of a giant whale. A wave of nausea caused me to stagger and lean against the next pillar for support. My headache returned with the blow of a sledgehammer against my skull and I sank to the floor, pressing my right palm against my forehead. It was hot, hotter than it should be. Or was it just my hand that was cold? I heard the others pass through the gate behind me and move on along the path down towards the remaining walls and pillars. Only three sets of boots stopped next to me and waited patiently. It felt like something was hammering against my head from the inside, making flashes in purple and yellow appear in front of my eyes and my ears ring.

A sudden hand on my shoulder made me jump a little and look up. Sam was looking down on me, concern in her eyes.

‘What’s wrong?, she asked, crouching down beside me. Behind her I saw Teal’c and Dr Jackson, one stone-faced as ever, the other with folded arms and worry in his face. I tried to smile, but it seemed to only make things worse.

‘Headache,’ I croaked.

‘Just now?,’ Sam wanted to know. As a reply I shook my head and instantly regretted it. A cannonball seemed to roll around inside, colliding with thoughts and my skull and making me flinch in pain.

‘Since I got to this moon,’ I whispered. ‘And it’s getting worse.’

I had had headaches before, migraine even, and through careful analysis had found out it correlated with the weather. Whenever there was a severe drop in air pressure over less than six hours, my head started aching. And nothing would help, no painkiller, no tea, hot baths or whatever other myths my friends and family had thought up. I just had to put up with it until it went away. This felt similar, and after all, not even the painkiller Sam had given me before had done anything to help.

‘Can you walk?,’ asked Dr Jackson, crouching down as well. The concern in his voice and face hurt me more than I liked to admit. This felt like history repeating itself all over again. _He_ had been like this as well, always helpful, kind... But I couldn’t let it all happen again. Not like last time. With my back against the pillar I pushed myself back on my feet, but as soon as I lost my grip on the stone I lost my balance, stumbled and fell back down. My shoulder started hurting again and all I could do was sit there and hold my injured arm. I felt tears rise into my eyes and hung my head so they couldn’t see my face behind my hair. This was too much even for me to take.

I felt a big, warm hand on my shoulder.

‘Please,’ I heard a deep voice boom from above. It took me several moments to realise that this was Teal’c, speaking for the very first time. ‘Allow me.’

Before I could say a word, he had swooped me up in his arms and carried me down the path towards the ruins. I was stumped. For one I was lying on my hair and couldn’t move my head at all, but nothing like this had ever happened to me. I wasn’t the kind of girl who got carried around, especially by men. It was simply out of the question, I was a grown woman and I had my own two legs to walk on.

‘No,’ I murmured, knowing full well I wasn’t able to walk anyway. ‘Please, I can...’

‘You are injured,’ Teal’c said from above. He shifted his grip a little and I managed to free some of my hair. ‘And you are in need of rest.’

I couldn’t argue with that, so I didn’t, rested my head against his black army vest and closed my eyes. Maybe when I woke up this nightmare would have ended and I would wake up in my bed. That would make a lot more sense to me than whatever else was happening.

The background noise of people making camp got louder, and when I opened my eyes I saw fire reflected off some of the walls near the centre of the ruins. Colonel O’Neill was waiting for us, a dark shadow against the light, standing legs apart and one hand on his gun. I hated weapons, self-defence or not, even when I had one, besides, one of them shot me.

‘Was she making trouble?,’ he shouted in our general direction.

‘No, Sir,’ Sam shouted back. ‘Just tired.’

‘Alright. We should have an extra pack somewhere...’

Teal’c put me down by the fire, then walked off to help the others put up tents. I shuffled around, pulled the jacket tighter around my shoulders and reached one hand for the fire.

‘Careful,’ I heard a voice behind me. ‘Don’t burn yourself.’

Dr Jackson appeared out of the darkness and sat on my left.

‘I’m more worried about my hair catching fire,’ I admitted. He reached out one hand and moved a rogue strand from my face behind my back. I tried not to take too much notice and act as naturally as possible. ‘Thanks.’

‘How is the arm?,’ he asked.

‘I’m not sure.’ I pushed the colonel’s jacket off my left shoulder and tried to inspect the bandage from above. ‘Every time I move my shoulder everything hurts.’

‘Ah, yes,’ was his reply. ‘Muscle trauma. That could last a few days.’

I put my right hand on my left arm, rubbing gently over the bandage, and suddenly I had one of the memory flashes, followed by a crazy idea. I shut my eyes, tried to shut out all the noise and only feel the heat of the fire.

‘Are you alright?’

I barely recognised Dr Jackson’s voice. I screwed my face up in concentration and imagined pure white light come out of my right palm.

‘Pan?’

I felt the light penetrate the bandages and imagined it binding together my skin, sealing the wound. Then it went deeper, rejoining tissue, reconnecting nerve ends and resealed blood vessels.

‘Pan?!’

I opened my eyes and suddenly felt the cold night air again. I gasped for breath and my right hand dropped from my left arm, no strength left at all. With amazement I saw that the blood stains had gone. I checked, the ones on my dress were still there, but the bandage was pure white, as if nothing had ever happened. Dr Jackson reached out a hand and touched the bandages, then, with great care, he untied the knot and layer by layer he unwound it. I heard more people approach as the last loose loops slid down my arm and gathered around my elbow. The shot wound was gone, only rosy skin showed where it had been and was fading quickly. No blood, no scar, it was as if it had never been there. With all my will power I lifted my limp right arm, my hand was shaking with exhaustion, and ran my fingers over my left arm. Even to the touch there was no difference.

Sam reached out and took the clean, white bandages off my arm, turned them this way and that, looking for any signs of the bleeding wound that had been there. Colonel O’Neill looked over her shoulder and let out a quiet whistle.

‘You know,’ he said then, ‘I have this shirt at home and that damn coffee stain...’

‘Sir, I don’t think that’s how it works,’ Sam interrupted him. Then she gave me a sharp look. ‘How did you do that?’

I shrugged, too tired to talk. Besides, I had the feeling the answer ‘I have no idea’ would not be satisfying enough and I’d get even more questions. My head started to hurt again, icy cold slashes through my brain and down my spine. I hugged my knees and buried my face in my arms. For all I cared the world could end. It wasn’t even my world. The pain in my left arm and shoulder was gone, but the downside was that now the others would probably never trust me. Supernatural powers, and what else could it be, were always frowned upon. Unless I could somehow regain their trust or lose those abilities I had never asked for, my only chance of ever getting home was gone.

‘Pan?’

Once more I felt a hand on my shoulder, gentle, not the rough and merciless grip I had expected. I raised my head, blinking in the suddenly bright light of the fire. Sam was kneeling on the floor next to me. She smiled. That was a good sign.

‘I think you need some sleep. And tomorrow we’ll see.’

I nodded gratefully and allowed her to help me up and lead me away to one of the tents. On the way there she took my right hand and turned it over two times, as if making sure there was nothing else. They had prepared a sleeping bag and Sam had even laid out a spare uniform for me. I had been wondering how much longer I had to wear what looked like a mix of a nightgown and a wedding dress. In the cover of darkness and behind a crumbling wall I slipped off the colonel’s jacket and the dress and pulled on a black t-shirt and green army pants. The dress I gathered up in a ball and returned to the tent where I used it as a pillow as I slipped into the wonderfully warm sleeping bag. But the events of the last few hours were spinning in my mind and I kept shifting my position, trying to fall asleep. The headache was another problem, although I was hoping it would be gone in the morning.

As I lay in the dark awake, I heard Sam talking to the colonel.

‘... no device, and she has an awful headache.’

‘Well, that sounds like-’

‘I know, Sir. I suggest we take her back to base tomorrow and have Dr Fraiser check her out.’

‘Yeah, sounds like a good idea. And that thing with healing herself...’

‘Are you thinking of the incident in Antarctica, Sir?’

‘As a matter of fact...’

They walked away and I could not hear any more. After what felt like an eternity I felt the warm cotton of sleep forming in my head and with a happy sigh I gave in.

 

* * *

 

When I finally rose from the deep chasms of dreamless sleep, the sun was high in the sky and everyone else in the camp was busy. The first thing I noticed was my headache. It was back, not as strong and as piercing as the day before, but nevertheless my head felt heavily bruised, inside and out. I pushed myself onto my elbows and brushed my hair out of my face with my left hand. Surprised I stared at my hand and my arm. I remembered being shot, and I thought I had dreamt the healing. But it turned out that it had been real as well. Next to me I saw another sleeping bag, as well as a notebook and some pencils. With a careful look around I made sure nobody was there, then I took one of the pencils, twisted my hair up into a bun and fixed it there with the pencil. At home I usually used a long hair stick with a red pin-wheel on the end, but this was not my home and a woman had to make do with what she had. I pushed myself out of the sleeping bag and saw an army jacket bunched up together with the white dress I had woken up in yesterday. After I had freed it, I started walking through the almost abandoned camp, looking for the colonel.

I found him leaning against a pillar close to the entrance and presented him with his jacket he so graciously had given me last night.

‘Thank you, Sir,’ I said as he took it without a comment.

‘No problem,’ was his brief answer. Then he motioned toward the pillars around the entrance with his gun. ‘So, that secret entrance. Anyone else know about it?’

‘I couldn’t say, Sir,’ I admitted. ‘Like I told your Major Carter yesterday, I’m not-’

‘- from around here,’ he finished my sentence. ‘Yeah, I heard that. But what exactly does that mean?’

‘Well, as a matter of fact, I-’

He interrupted me with a gesture and pulled me behind the pillar. We both watched in silence as four people approached the pillars from the other side. They wore strange metal armour, knee-long chain mail shirts, metal arm and leg bracers and a circular chest and shoulder protector that covered their neck as well. And they carried staffs similar to the one Teal’c was carrying.

‘Who are they?,’ I whispered.

‘They’re jaffa warriors, probably sent by Ba’al or Anubis,’ he hissed back. We watched as they slowed to a halt in front of the first two pillars, looked around and then marched straight on, through the second pair of pillars and disappeared. Colonel O’Neill drew a deep breath, then he gave me a sharp look. ‘You were sure they wouldn’t be able to come in?’

‘As far as I understand it, the temple is protected by a forcefield that acts as a hologram and a portal as well. Only those who use the doorway actually enter it,’ I tried to explain. ‘But who-?’

‘And nobody but you knows the doorway?,’ the colonel insisted.

‘I couldn’t say, Sir,’ I had to admit. This didn’t seem to satisfy him, but he saw there was nothing more he could do. ‘Who are Ba’al and Anubis?’

‘So,’ he said ignoring my question, putting a hand on my shoulder and leading me back to the camp, ‘if you’re not from here, where are you from?’

‘I’m not sure you’d believe me if I told you,’ I said with a sigh. The only two people I would trust to believe me on this were Sam and Dr Jackson. Everyone else seemed a little too narrow-minded to me.

‘Try me,’ was the colonel’s reply.

‘I’m from the same planet you are from,’ I said slowly. He blinked.

‘Yeah good one,’ he grinned. ‘And this time please-’

‘Sir, you are from a planet called Earth by its inhabitants, it has one moon called moon, one sun called sun, yes, aren’t we humans imaginative when it comes to naming the things closest to us. The closest planets are Mars and Venus and there are six other planets in our solar system, named after other Roman deities.’

He gave me a long look. ‘And what is that supposed to prove? Any of the others could have told you that last night.’

‘Yes, Sir, but they didn’t. You can ask them,’ I replied, getting annoyed. I knew this would happen. But I wasn’t done yet. ‘But I could tell you some things the others would maybe not been able to tell me. The current human population on Earth has just passed seven and a half billion, there is still ongoing conflict in the Middle East, no thanks to your country’s effort, and by the way, I am from Oxford in Great Britain.’

That stumped him for a moment and I could see him think very quickly about what I had just told him.

‘Yes,’ he said then. ‘But what kind of a name is Pan for someone from Oxford?’

‘What kind of a name is O’Neill for an American?,’ I asked back. We glowered at each other for a moment, before I gave in. I would never be able to win a staring contest against a stone-faced colonel. ‘Yes, I am aware of the potato blight and the following flow of Irish people into the US. And Pan is short for Pandora. My parents liked the name. And now please don’t tell me that Pandora is an alien name as well.’

‘I wouldn’t know that,’ Colonel O’Neill grinned again. ‘You’d have to ask Daniel, he’s the mythology expert.’ He spat the last word like others said ‘freak’.

‘Is he?’ Dr Jackson got more interesting by the day. But this wasn’t what I wanted and also not the point of this conversation. ‘So do you believe me?’

The colonel shrugged. ‘Maybe, but it’s not my decision anyway. We’ll take you back to base tonight and we’ll find out there.’

‘Where is that base of yours?’ I was very curious. Was it on another planet? And if it was on Earth, how could they hide it from the rest of the world?

‘Cheyenne Mountain, Colorado,’ he said and walked away. For a moment I considered running after him, since he ignored my question before, but I guessed our conversation was over in any case. He had told me everything he was going to tell me, and at least now I knew I was going to go home, or at least to my home planet. Whether or not they would let me go was of course another question entirely.

I stood in the spot where the colonel had left me for a few moments, looking around, then I decided to explore the ruins myself. Nobody seemed to be too interested in me, and, for some reason I couldn’t make out, the colonel didn’t have anyone chaperoning me either. I wandered around the toppled pillars and half-standing walls, looked at the strange symbols and carvings. Some of them seemed to nag at me, taunt me to try and read them, but I couldn’t say why. I had never seen anything like it before. The rock was a uniform grey but looked strangely artificial. There were no veins of different colours, no irregularities. Gingerly I reached out and traced some of the odd, pixel-like symbols. These writings looked like a strange 8-bit font made up by someone programming a Nintendo game. All symbols seemed to be assembled in a 4 by 2 square grid, and some of the boxes were carved out of the rock, others were left level with the rest of the surface.

One foot in front of the other I walked along the carved walls, stroking them with my hand as I walked past and trying to figure out the basis of this alphabet. I had no experience with this, but I figured the most occurring characters would be vowels. Unless the language was anything like Welsh, in which case anything was possible. I climbed over some rubble and fallen pillars and chose one that was leaning over and resting halfway over the low remains of a wall. With great care and on all fours I climbed up it, over the fallen wall and all the way to the top. There I tried to make myself comfortable, two and a half meters above the grassy paths between the structures, my feet dangling in the light breeze and I turned my face toward the sun with my eyes closed. I enjoyed this very much, only birdsong and the buzzing of bees was missing to make this moment perfect. But like the night before, the ruins and the forest were eerily quiet and not a single natural sound could be heard.

Something brushed against my soles and when I looked down I saw Dr Jackson waving up at me. He pointed at the bit of wall where the pillar was resting and called up to me: ‘Do you mind? I don’t want to get crushed.’

‘I’m not that heavy,’ I called back, pretending to be offended, but then I simply slid off the side of the pillar and landed in the grass next to him. ‘What’s so interesting?’

‘Oh, everything,’ he said, bent down and stared at the symbols, then he made notes in a notebook he was holding in his left hand.

‘You can actually read those?,’ I asked in amazement.

‘Sure, it’s not that difficult,’ he told me over his shoulder. ‘The language is basically Latin, and once you know that the rest is simply figuring out the alphabet.’

‘Yes, but is it a phonetic alphabet?’

Dr Jackson turned around to look at me.

‘Because let’s face it, English is not the most phonetic language. Latin however was, and they invented the letters we are using, if I’m not completely wrong, so they should be almost identical to our normal alphabet, right?’

Dr Jackson was still staring at me.

‘I had two semesters of linguistics at university,’ I explained with a shrug. ‘It’s just one of the things that always annoyed me about English.’

‘Yeah, I agree,’ Dr Jackson said slowly.

‘So, Dr Jackson, what does it say?’

‘What?’

‘The wall,’ I pointed behind him. ‘Can you read it?’

‘Parts of it, other parts will take some time to analyse.’ He turned to face the wall again and scratched his head. Then he pointed at the second last line just visible under the pillar. ‘Like this part, talking about the red sun...’

‘Planet,’ I corrected him without hesitating. He paused and turned back to me again. ‘It doesn’t say sun, it says planet, which is red, so that makes sense, wouldn’t you say?’

He continued to stare at me while I could feel the headache welling up and reaching new levels of pain.

‘Yes,’ he ventured then, ‘but how did you know that?’

I couldn’t tell him, because I had no idea where that had come from. And the headache was slowly climbing up the insides of my head. My throat felt like it was on fire, my nose was burning and when the stabbing feeling reached my eyes, I quickly covered them with my hands and crouched down on the floor. The pain kept moving, all the way up to my crown, then it ebbed off again. When I took my hands off my face, Dr Jackson’s face was right in front of me, looking concerned. His blue eyes pierced into mine and I could only stare back for the fraction of a moment, then I had to look away, confused about my heart racing and my cheeks starting to flush red hot again. I gave a little embarrassed laugh.

‘I’m fine,’ I lied weakly. ‘And I don’t know how I know. The words were just suddenly there.’

He didn’t move.

‘Can you please stop staring at me like that?’

‘Oh, sorry,’ he said quickly, then he reached out a hand and helped me back on my feet again. ‘So, Pan, where are you from then?’

‘I live in Oxford,’ I explained to him. ‘As in Oxford, UK, Earth.’

His forehead wrinkled. ‘So you’re not just _not_ from here, but you’re actually from the same planet as us?’

‘Looks like it,’ I said, rubbing my forehead. The pain had passed, for now, but a prickling sensation was still there. ‘Although I’m pretty sure on my planet the American army does not have secret interstellar missions where they travel to foreign moons and look at alien ruins.’

‘Well, you’d never know,’ he said with a wink. There was that smile again, but it was gone in an instant. ‘But they are not the army, they’re US air force.’

‘That’s not the same thing?’

‘Nope.’

I shrugged. ‘I wouldn’t know. Never had much interest in uniforms and guns.’

‘And, sorry for asking, but ... your name?’

‘Pan is short for Pandora. Don’t ask me why my parents chose that name, but it brought me grief ever since I opened my lunch box at school on the first day. I went by Pan ever since then.’

‘I see,’ Dr Jackson replied with a grin. ‘Just don’t tell that joke to the others, they are unlikely to appreciate it much.’

‘Thanks for the warning,’ I grinned back. Then I took a step back. ‘I better stop distracting you from your work.’

‘That’s alright,’ he said quickly. ‘If you want some food, see if you can find Sam. Other than that, try not to get lost or wander off.’

‘I’ve had my share of jaffa patrols this morning, I think I’m good.’

I left him kneeling under the slanted pillar and walked on through the alien structure. For a moment I considered returning and asking him about Ba’al and Anubis, but then I decided to try and keep my time with Dr Jackson to a minimum. Some of my old memories were returning, and they were even more painful than the headaches. The walls around me had mostly crumbled to rubble, but it still felt like a maze. They had put up the tents of the camp in the only empty space all around. Possibly a large chamber when this building had still stood tall and proud, I thought.

Behind the next corner I almost ran into the giant called Teal’c. In bright daylight he was still as intimidating as ever, his bald head shone in the sun almost as brightly as the gold symbol on his forehead. We stared at each other in silence for a few moments, his African features not changing one bit, apart from one eyebrow, that slowly climbed upward. I backed down first, giving him a smile and reaching out a hand.

‘I just wanted to say sorry about last night,’ I started. This all felt really awkward. ‘I didn’t know where I was and who you were and whether you were the ones who had abducted me in the first place. I only attacked because I knew you were right behind me and I thought you had found me.’

Teal’c bowed his head and the corners of his mouth first twisted down and then upwards. He reached out his right hand and carefully took mine. Then he let go.

‘Indeed, I had discovered your hiding place. I thought you might be a jaffa waiting to ambush us. When I discovered you were just a young woman and no trained warrior I merely defended myself and planned to render you unconscious. However I was interrupted before I could execute my plan entirely.’

‘So you weren’t trying to kill me?’ That was blunt, even for me, but ‘just a woman’ was a worse insult than this.

‘By no means did I wish to cause you harm, and had I succeeded I would have volunteered to carry you all the way to the camp, but it seemed this duty only fell to me on the last few meters.’

‘Yes,’ I agreed, ‘but had you taken me out, you wouldn’t have found the ruins in time.’

‘Indeed,’ he replied and bowed again with his strange, crooked smile.

‘Have you seen Sam anywhere?,’ I asked the question I had wanted to ask all this time, trying to end this conversation as quickly as possible

‘Samantha Carter? I believe she has returned to the camp after making some observations this morning.’

‘Okay, thanks,’ I said, gave him another smile and walked back the way I had come. Teal’c was a strange person, and I guessed he was not from Earth at all. The jaffa I had seen this morning also had had strange marks on their foreheads, but black and not gold like his. However they carried the same weapons, and even if Teal’c was not wearing a grey metal armour but an air force uniform, I was still certain he had at least once in the past been a jaffa, whoever they were, as well, or maybe he still was.

Behind the tent I had woken up in I found Sam sitting on the base of a broken pillar. She was brooding over some notes of her own and occasionally cross-referencing with another two books she had on the ground in front of her. She looked up when she heard me coming.

‘Hi, good morning,’ she called and gave me a bright smile. Then she noticed the pencil in my hair and laughed. ‘Oh, that’s where it went. I was looking for that.’

‘Oh, sorry,’ I said quickly and reached for the back of my head. ‘Do you want it back?’

‘No, it’s alright.’ Her smile was still as bright as the sun shining down on the camp. ‘We have plenty. Did you have breakfast?’

‘I think lunch is more the term used for this time of day,’ I grinned back. I had no idea how long I had been sleeping or indeed how long the nights on this moon actually were.

‘Actually, that sounds like a good idea.’ Sam closed her books, stood up and led me to the fireplace. The ground was still charred from last night’s camp fire, but someone had already collected dry kindling and some heavy-looking branches and logs in preparation of the next night. Sam picked up an abandoned pack by the fire, fished around in it and then handed me two wrapped up bars and a bottle of water. ‘Army rations,’ she said with an apologetic smile. ‘You can have a proper meal tonight when we’re back at the base.’

‘So you’re taking me with you?’, I double-checked. I unwrapped the bar in great haste. During all this walking and exploring I hadn’t even noticed how hungry I was.

‘We thought it would be for the best. If you are from Earth, we’d like to confirm that, also how you got here. And we’d like to run a few medical tests on you.’

‘Will I become a lab rat?’

‘Not quite,’ she laughed. ‘It’s protocol. We’ll all be checked out once we get back, and the results compared to our last examination.’

‘And since I never had an examination,’ I completed her sentence, ‘mine will be a lot more thorough.’

‘Exactly,’ she replied and gave me another bright smile. ‘And don’t worry, our doctor is one of my best friends, and she’s a really great person, so no need to be nervous.’

She had actually seen right through me. I smiled back. ‘As long as she stays away with the syringes, I’m happy.’

We sat down in the grass and I felt that I finally had the chance to ask the question that had bothered me for so long.

‘Sam?’

‘Yes?’

‘If you are from the US air force, how did you get to a different solar system?’

She laughed.

‘Or are there some space ships I should know about?’

‘No, not at all. We don’t travel that way. Not far from here there is a device we call a stargate.’

‘Stargate? That sounds fancy.’

‘It actually looks really cool,’ she admitted. ‘But it works pretty much like an interdimensional doorway.’

‘Like the doorway to the TARDIS?,’ I asked, cross-referencing with some of my favourite science fiction. ‘Is it bigger on the inside?’

‘Well, that’s one way of putting it...’ I could tell she had no idea what I was talking about. ‘I’d like to think of it more as an anchor for a wormhole. We create a direct connection between two gates, step through one end and within seconds come out at the other end.’

‘Okay, that is pretty awesome.’ I nodded. My knowledge of physics and astronomy were limited. My degrees in Literature and Art History didn’t cover a lot of those topics. Of course I still found them highly interesting, but when it went beyond the basic principles and into the formulas I usually shut off and thought of something else instead. ‘Did you build it?’

‘Oh, no, they were already there.’

‘On Earth?’

‘On Earth and all the other places we visited. As far as we know there are more than ten thousand gates scattered across the universe. So far we have found out that an ancient alien race created the gate system spanning across multiple galaxies and then just disappeared. We still don’t quite understand how they built it, which is why we examine any of their ruins and remains we come across.’

‘So this whole place was built by them as well?’ I was in awe. Maybe the universe was much smaller than most people thought. ‘I mean, not that it couldn’t be, I just thought there’d be more intelligent races out there.’

‘There are, the ancients have just been around the longest,’ Sam explained. ‘We have met a few more races, some friendly, some not, but even they can’t tell us enough about the ancients to satisfy our curiosity.’

‘I see. And were those ancients friendly?’

‘Who knows,’ she grinned. I had the feeling that there was something more, but even if I asked, I knew she wouldn’t tell me now, not yet.

‘I heard Colonel O’Neill mention two names before,’ I ventured. ‘Who are Ba’al and Anubis?’

‘Well, they are some of the unfriendly people we have met so far,’ she answered vaguely.

‘Yes?’

‘Look, I’ll tell you more tonight at the base, okay? It’s not something I can discuss.’

‘You don’t trust me,’ I stated. I didn’t blame her, we only just met on an alien planet and I claimed to be from her own home world. I could see that that was difficult.

‘It’s not that I don’t believe you,’ she tried to reassure me. ‘But it would be better if I wasn’t the one doing the explaining. We’ll answer all your questions later, I promise.’

After our little chat, Sam walked away to continue her research, and I continued wandering through the ruins. It would probably have been a lot more interesting, had I actually known something about those ancients and their culture. In high school our art teacher had taken us on an excursion to Rome, and I had enjoyed every minute of it. Speaking Italian was of course an advantage, but there had been nothing more fantastic than sitting at the Fontana di Trevi until after midnight in the warm summer air and surrounded by chattering people. I had surprised myself how much I really enjoyed that moment, even though I hated other people as much as cats hated water, but then and there all the other people had just been the background, and all there really was were the night lights reflecting off the fountains and illuminating the beautiful facades.

I sat down on a stone block that was almost as high as my hip and looked around. I saw soldiers walk in twos between the toppled walls and all the way to the edge of the shallow valley, I saw Teal’c practise his fighting with imaginary enemies, and I saw Colonel O’Neill stand like one of the few remaining pillars and stare toward the entrance, not moving a muscle. For the moment all I could do was sit and enjoy the sun. And think. Sometimes I really enjoyed just sitting and thinking about myself and my place in the world, and it seemed it was time to include some new insights into what I had already established over the years.

It was quite ironic how many people declared to go on a journey to find themselves, and if you really took an interest, you would see a lot of instagram photos of food, things they did and people they met, but only a handful of people would know that this was not how you discovered yourself. To do that, you didn’t even have to travel anywhere. I had spent most of my childhood in a pretty isolated place, and being a bookworm I never had a lot of friends in school. So instead of going to parties, getting drunk and getting laid I had spent a lot of time with myself. I would not call myself enlightened, but at least I knew what I liked, what my decisions were based on and that my intuition was right most of the time. To find yourself, the first step was to observe yourself, and in the age of Netflix, Facebook and media not telling you what was important but what they thought you’d like, it was quite hard to shut the noise of our crowded little planet out and discover who you really were on the inside. And here I was, sitting on another planet in the ruins of a long dead alien civilisation and trying to re-establish all those things I thought I knew about myself.

 

I had only been brooding for a few minutes before heavy steps coming through the grass towards me interrupted my thoughts and I looked up. Dr Jackson was coming my way, his notebook in his right hand and one finger between the pages.

‘Am I interrupting?,’ he asked, but I just shook my head and invited him to have a seat. My insights could wait for another time. ‘I found another passage not far from where you helped me before, and I was wondering...’

He showed me his transcription of the carving and his translation. “The door shall open in the darkness” was what he had translated.

‘It doesn’t make sense,’ he explained. ‘And I have to admit that this language is harder to read than any other dead language I have come across. Many words are ambiguous and depend on the context.’

I nodded. I knew they did, even though I couldn’t tell how. Deep inside my brain the hammering of the constant pain started to increase slowly the longer I stared at the alien yet somehow familiar letters.

‘And since you figured out the celestial body in the writing meant planet instead of sun,’ Dr Jackson concluded, ‘I was hoping you could...’

‘Eclipse,’ I replied hastily and looked away. ‘The word translates to eclipse.’

My hope that my short and quick answer would somehow stop the headache turned out to be false. As if a mining team of dwarves had let themselves in through my earholes, my head was filled with hammering stabs of pain, my forehead felt like it was bulging with every blow and my ears were ringing with metallic noises. Flashes in bright neon colours clouded my vision and created a firework in front of my eyes. I tried not to show it this time, but something in my face must have given away the pain I felt at that moment.

‘Do the headaches get worse?,’ asked Dr Jackson and wrinkled his brow.

‘It’s a constant pain in the background,’ I tried to explain. ‘But at times it’s stronger and then it’s almost gone again.’

‘When does it get stronger?’

‘I’m not sure.’ I pointed at his notes. ‘But that certainly makes it worse.’

‘Yes, maybe there is a connection. How do you know what the words mean?,’ he insisted and pushed his round glasses back up his nose. They seemed to make his blue-eyed stare even more intense and I could swear I felt the heat on my skin.

‘I told you, I don’t know,’ was my reply, and I couldn’t help but sound slightly annoyed. ‘Until last night I never saw writing like this, and I swear I still can’t read it. The translation just appears in my head.’

‘As an actual phrase?,’ he wanted to know. ‘Or just a concept?’

I stared at him. ‘Yes, a concept, a base idea without any words or language. That’s how I always think though, so I couldn’t tell you if any other way was possible.’

Now it was Dr Jackson who stared at me.

‘What?’

‘I’m just ... Why do you not think in words?,’ he asked curiously.

‘Because first my head would have to decide which language to think in to start with and then constantly translate into another to transfer the subtleties native to each one. So at some point forming actual words with your mind becomes too inconvenient and you...’

‘Yes, but what other languages...? Sorry, I should have mentioned, I’m a linguist,’ he explained himself.

I laughed. ‘And here I was thinking you were a physician, Dr Jackson, not a polymath.’

‘What makes you think I’m a polymath?’ He seemed almost shocked at my implication. ‘And you can call me Daniel if you like.’

‘Well, Daniel,’ I continued and grinned,‘you are part of a space program, which I consider to be astronomy or astrophysics, you are climbing around ruins which should be the job of an archaeologist, and you study dead languages which is the only thing so far that relates to your job at all.’

‘Ah, but I am an archaeologist and anthropologist as well,’ he said with a raised digit. ‘So maybe not too strange after all.’

‘Fair enough.’ I laughed. I enjoyed this conversation far more than I would care to admit. And I felt that I liked Daniel way more than the short time I had spent with him should allow. I knew what this meant, and what my response should be: extreme caution. This was just what my head had been waiting for, another Daniel to enter my life, someone to fill the void that had been eating me from the inside for the last few years. But I knew this shouldn’t be happening, not now, not like this. So I decided to try and keep my distance, as far as having a highly interesting conversation, shielded by ruins and surrounded by green grass in bright sunshine allowed for any such distance to be kept.

‘Back to my question,’ said Daniel, ‘what other languages do you speak?’

‘Really just one other,’ I told him. ‘But I picked up the basics for a few more, wouldn’t consider myself to be fluent though.’

‘And which...?’

‘Italian,’ I interrupted him. ‘My family is Italian. But I also learned French and a bit of Spanish and Old English. Nothing too impressive though, my main two are English and Italian.’

‘Di dov’è Lei?,’ was Daniel’s next question, and I had expected something like that. Linguists like all other academics loved to show off.

‘Actually I’m really from Oxford, I was born there. But if you want to know where my parents came from, they just moved back to our family home close to Montepulciano in Tuscany.’ I hadn’t answered in Italian. Every time someone learned I spoke Italian as my first language, they assumed that I’d prefer that, even though I had never lived in Italy. We had gone for family holidays and all that, but having people assume I wasn’t English just because I spoke another language had always been quite offensive to me. ‘And what alive languages do you speak, Daniel?’

I had inserted ‘alive’ for good reason. This guy even spoke an alien language that had been dead for a few thousand years, maybe longer.

‘Well,’ he began, ‘there is the ancient Egyptian dialect I first discovered on Abados...’

‘Okay,’ I interrupted him. ‘Maybe apart from alive I should have added terran. After all, I don’t know any other planets.’

‘Okay,’ he started again. ‘My grandfather is Dutch, so that was one language I picked up at a very young age, and, well, to be honest I lost count.’ He laughed. ‘Over the years I picked up all Roman and Germanic languages, most of the African and Asian dialects and quite recently I have learned the basics to the South-American languages.’

‘I think the question better applied here is, what language do you not speak.’ I laughed. ‘Most people must find it incredibly hard to keep up with you.’

‘That is probably true.’ His face was very serious when he said it, and for a moment he seemed lost in thought. Then his face went blank and his eyes lost their shine. He almost looked sad. I wasn’t sure what was going on, and I couldn’t decide what question to ask next, they all seemed equally important, and whatever I had brought up, it didn’t seem to put him in a good mood. So I just sat there in silence, looking around at the temple walls and trying not to read what it said on them.

‘Daniel?,’ I finally asked after some time had passed, and even though I saw it coming, the stab of pain in my chest surprised me.

‘Yes?’

‘Why have you come to this moon in particular?’

‘The ruins. The address was on a list we knew was closely linked to the Ancient civilisation, so we decided to have a look.’

‘Address?’

‘Ah, yes. We came here through an object we call the Stargate...’

‘Yes, Sam told me about it. Something to do with wormholes?’

‘Stable wormholes yes, and basically you dial the gate like a phone, a sequence of six symbols and the symbol of origin. And one of these sequences lead us here.’

‘I’m not sure I understand that,’ I admitted.

‘Neither do we,’ he laughed again. ‘But it works.’

‘Right. And you expected to find ruins?’

‘We expected to find something, but -’

‘Hey, Daniel and , uh, ... Forest Lady!’

We turned around and saw the colonel come our way.

‘What’s up?, shouted Daniel back and jumped up.

I slid off the stone as well and turned to the colonel ‘Forest Lady? Are you serious?!’

‘He doesn’t mean it,’ hissed Daniel. ‘And if he did, it wasn’t intended as a compliment. He’s not that kind of person.’

‘Right.’

‘Time to pack up, campers,’ the colonel shouted, waved and turned around without another word.

‘Alright then,’ said Daniel and motioned me to follow him as he made his way back to the camp. A little bewildered about the sudden organised chaos in the group I tried my best to stay out of the way where I could and help where I couldn’t avoid it. But it turned out I only had to carry my own bundle of clothes and most of the boxes stayed in the camp.

‘This place is safe, right?,’ the colonel asked me again after taking me aside.

‘I believe so, sir.’

This answer didn’t seem to satisfy him very much.

‘Unless they know the way to open the door, nobody could find this place,’ I tried to reassure him.

‘The guardians know the way, don’t they?’

‘Yes, sir, but they would never give that information to anyone seeking destruction,’ I said, knowing I was talking to a soldier of the US military here, air force or not. I never trusted the yanks. I had seen too many movies.

‘Good. I’ll just leave two men here then.’

That seemed to be another conversation concluded and I simply tried to stay as inconspicuous as possible while orders were given and packs were packed. Apparently we would also be accompanied what looked like a medium size Mars Rover they called MALP that would carry most of the heavy items for us. Within a few minutes everyone was ready to go and I was told to join Daniel Jackson in the middle of the group with the colonel, Sam and Teal’c walking in the front and two of the other soldiers bringing up the rear. We assembled in front of the four pillars marking the entrance and after reassuring ourselves there wasn’t another group of jaffa approaching, Colonel O’Neill lead us away into the forest. The sun was still fairly high up in the sky, I would have called it early afternoon, and somehow in broad daylight the journey through the forest didn’t seem as long and terrifying as it had the night before. Maybe it was also because of a lack of long hair and skirts getting caught on branches on my part.

Everyone seemed tense and had their guns at the ready, always listening for footsteps getting closer. Even Daniel carried a gun, I noticed. But for some reason that didn’t upset me half as much as it should have. Nobody spoke and somehow we made it through the woods in a fairly short time, following the overgrown pathway and the GPS systems they all carried. It lead straight to the edge of the forest, or so it seemed. When we finally stepped into the bright sunlight I saw it was just another clearing, not quite as big as the one containing the ruins. There was a giant upright ring with strange symbols and glowing arrows all around it and we were rushing towards it. In front of it was a pedestal with a round top surface on waist height, which had the same symbols and a large red button in the centre. The soldiers took up defensive positions all around us while Daniel started pressing symbols all over the circular keyboard on the pedestal. He noticed me staring at him and gave me a little smile.

‘Don’t be frightened,’ he said, then he put his hand on the semi-spherical red button in the middle. His hand looked tiny in comparison. The button lit up and so did the arrows on the ring, then suddenly the ring filled with a white and blue glow and with a noise like rolling thunder a huge wave lashed towards us, as if a boulder had been dropped into a lake. I nearly fell over backwards from shock, but then it was like nothing had ever happened. The ring was filled with what looked like shimmering water. Only through a haze I noticed the beeping as the colonel punched little buttons on a device on his wrist.

‘So that’s a wormhole,’ I breathed, staring in disbelief at the calm watery surface. It was hypnotic and terrifying at the same time, water standing upright like that and not flowing away.

‘It’s the event horizon of a wormhole, yes,’ I heard Sam’s voice next to me, but I couldn’t take my eyes off it. It was so beautiful, glittering in the sunlight.

‘And we have to go through it?’

‘Well, if we want to go home, yes,’ she agreed.

‘I’m not sure I can,’ I admitted. ‘When you first told me, I thought it was amazing, but now...’

‘Scared?’ The colonel sounded almost amused at my discomfort.

‘Terrified, sir,’ I said flatly and for the first time took my eyes off the circle to stare him in the face. ‘But that won’t stop you, will it?’

‘Nope,’ he said, turned around and walked straight into it. He disappeared. The others began to follow him, Teal’c went, then the two other soldiers, only Sam and Daniel remained with me in front of the stargate.

‘We have to go, otherwise it will close on us,’ Sam said quietly as the rover disappeared into it as well. For a moment I was tempted to run behind the circle to see whether it really disappeared, but the watery surface was slightly transparent and I could tell there was nothing but deserted forest behind it on the other side of the gate. So I took a deep breath and took slow steps toward the gate, watching as it filled my entire vision. I reached out one hand to feel the surface. It really did feel like a thin film of cool water, and behind it nothing. I pulled my hand back but it was dry, as if all I had touched was air. So I looked to Sam and Daniel on my sides for confirmation before I finally took another deep breath, hugged my clothes bundle tightly with both arms, closed my eyes and made the final step into the stargate.

I couldn’t tell how long the journey took, but it felt like it took forever, and at the same time I knew I was there in a heartbeat. With great speed I exited the gate on the other side and only Sam’s quick grab for my arm stopped me from falling to the floor. As amazing as the journey had been, I was even more surprised by the sudden change in scenery. Sunlight had turned into neon tubes on a high ceiling, the grassy floor, forest and blue sky had become concrete floors, walls and ceilings. I was surrounded by people in uniforms, some pointing guns at me. With a gushing sound the stargate behind me deactivated and the shimmering light, that had also filled this room, disappeared. I backed away, not used to this grade of passive aggression. I saw Sam wave at a window further up the wall and I saw a bald man in a short sleeve shirt hurry down some stairs in the room behind it. Only moments later he came through a door on the left of the room.

‘Stand down!,’ he called to the soldiers who immediately lowered their guns and tried to look inconspicuous, then he started talking to the colonel, who I hadn’t even noticed among the uniforms. Sam gestured me to follow her off the ramp that lead to the stargate. As I walked, I turned to look at it once more. It looked different to the one on the planet. It was in big red braces and seemed to be connected to a lot of high voltage power lines. Also I couldn’t see the device Daniel had used to operate the gate on the moon we just left. Sam approached the bald man, who had his hands behind his back, stuck his chest out and was looking me over as I approached. He wasn’t short, but he was quite round, and a good few years older than the colonel.

Sam stopped in front of him and saluted.

‘Welcome back SG1,’ he said and a fond smile flashed across his face. Then his gaze travelled back to me. ‘And I see you brought company.’

‘Yes, sir,’ Sam replied, half turning to me and giving me a smile. ‘We found her disoriented on the other side and she claims to be from here.’

The old man’s eyes hardened somewhat and I felt it was better to say something.

‘I’m Pan, sir,’ I said quietly. ‘Pandora Polo.’ I knew better than to offer my hand. He did not look the kind of person who would have taken it.

‘Well, we’ll see about that,’ he said not unkindly and turned to the colonel. ‘Debriefing in 10 minutes, and please get her checked out.’ Then he turned and walked briskly out one of the doors on either side of the hall. And that seemed to be it.

Sam gently led me through a door, down a corridor and around a few corners past lots of rooms and other corridors and by the time we entered what looked like a field hospital I had completely lost all sense of direction. Inside were brighter lights, a few hospital beds lined up against one wall and on the other, higher up, was a viewing room with a large window that was deserted for now. Several medical machines flashed and beeped steadily and several people in white lab coats were bustling about, tending to people, some on or in the beds, others simply milling about.

A rather short woman with a face like a mouse came up to us, gave Sam a warm smile and then looked at me.

‘And who do we have here?,’ she asked and tucked one of the brown strands back behind her ear.

‘We picked her up off-world,’ Sam explained before I could open my mouth. ‘Just check her through and I’ll pick her up after the debriefing.’

‘Anything I should know about?,’ she asked while still looking at me.

‘She has some awful headaches from time to time,’ Sam explained and I thought that I saw a _look_ the two women shared for just a moment too long.

‘Alright, I’ll have a look,’ the doctor said and led me through the room to a bed in the corner.

 

After what felt like an hour of getting needles stuck into me and being screened by every single machine they had available I sat on the edge of the bed and observed my surroundings. The doctor, who had introduced herself as Dr Janet Fraiser, had disappeared into another room to evaluate the results and nobody else had bothered to talk to me. I saw the colonel come through the door, pay absolutely no attention to me and got ushered behind some curtains by a nurse. After a little while he came back out, massaging his arm, looked around and saw me. He walked over and gave me a nod. I shrugged. I had never been one for non-verbal communication.

‘The general wants to see you,’ he explained and walked off. I jumped up and had to jog to catch up to him. He led me through the maze of corridors, up some stairs and into a room that was full of computers, screens and people, but was dominated by a giant window looking down onto the stargate. As I watched, the dark circle came to light, spinning, groaning and giving off steam.

‘Hey!,’ I heard a call from behind me and saw the Colonel O’Neill already halfway up some stairs in the back of the room. I hurried to catch him up and climbed after him. On the next level he entered through a door into what looked like a conference room. The enormous table in the centre was surrounded by many chairs, but only five were occupied and by familiar faces at that. At the end of the table sat the bald man from before, and the others were Sam, Dr Fraiser, Dr Jackson and Teal’c.

‘General Hammond,’ the colonel said. ‘The girl from the forest.’

I shot him a look. ‘I do have a name.’ But he ignored me and simply sat down, leaving me standing in the full spotlight of attention. The general mentioned to a seat next to the doctor and I sat down gratefully.

‘And what name would that be,’ General Hammond asked when I had stopped shuffling in the leather seat.

‘My full name is Pandora Lucrezia Polo,’ I admitted with hesitation. I was still wondering what my parents had thought when they called me that. It was an embarrassment. ‘But I’d be obliged if you could call me Pan.’

‘And you are from...?’ He left the question hanging with a hook on the end, but I was confident enough I could prove my answer if I had to.

‘Oxford, sir. I was born there and was planning to move to Edinburgh once I finished my degree.’ Aware that I was talking to an American who probably hadn’t too much interest in foreign geography I added: ‘My parents moved back to Montepulciano when my grandmother died a year ago. They are originally from Italy, but I prefer a cooler climate, sir.’

His blank stare made me nervous, but I had said all that needed saying and waited for another cue.

‘We’ll talk about that later,’ he decided after a moment of silence. ‘I called for you because Dr Fraiser wanted to share her findings on your medical and I wanted you to hear them.’

I nodded gratefully, but at heart I was terrified, and I couldn’t decide whether it was because they seemed just as prepared to talk about my medicals without me, or that they deemed it important enough to talk about it at all. Dr Fraiser cleared her throat and opened a closed but rather large file in front of her.

‘Her vitals are all as they should be,’ she began and handed some printed sheets to the general. ‘And her DNA confirm that she is from Earth.’ She made a pause and I felt my heart stop. There was something terrible, and she didn’t want to say it. ‘I also found the source of her headaches.’ She looked at me out of the corner of her eye and pulled a few pages from the file that looked like MRI brain scans. She handed them to the general and I craned my head to see. They were talking about me like I wasn’t in the room, and this was after all my brain. I had a right to know. General Hammond studied the scans in silence and then handed them back to the doctor who finally passed them on to me. It looked like someone had sliced my head open just above the eyes and filled it in with dark blue ink. The left side was light, and the right side was dark as night.

‘Half my brain is missing?,’ I ventured. It didn’t feel like that, and I had meant it as a joke, but nobody even smiled. They all just looked at me like I was about to die.

‘Quite on the contrary,’ the doctor replied and took the scan back. ‘Your right brain half has increased in density to almost 700%.’

It took me a moment to process that. ‘So my left brain half is normal?,’ I asked and got a nod. ‘And my right brain half has seven times more synaptic connections? How did that happen?’

‘I suspect it is a tumour,’ said Dr Fraiser gravely and I felt the floor drop away and I fell backwards into a giant black hole that had opened under me. A tumour. My breathing seemed unnaturally loud to me and my heart was racing wildly. Only when a voice pierced the silence did I feel the chair pressing into my back again and loosened my grip on the armrests.

‘This case sounds familiar,’ the general said with a frown. ‘Didn’t Jonas Quinn experience something similar?’

‘Yes, but not on this scale,’ the doctor explained. ‘His anomaly was so small we could safely remove it, but I would strongly advise against removing a whole...’

I pushed myself up out of the chair, knees shaking.

‘I need some air,’ I murmured and made my way to the door on unsteady feet. On the way down the stairs I nearly missed one and only didn’t fall down because I held on to the handrail in time. My brain felt very fuzzy and full of thoughts just out of reach. But one part was thinking very clearly and told me that we were far underground, and to get some air I had to find a lift. I knew I had passed several sliding doors that looked like lifts on the way to and from the hospital, but I would be lucky if I found them in the maze of identical concrete tubes. Breathing seemed to get more difficult and I had to hold myself upright with one hand on the wall. I took a few random turns and was completely lost after just a few moments. Soldiers were rushing around me, once or twice I saw a person in a lab coat, but they were heading in completely different directions, so I decided not to follow them. After a few more turns I gave up, my legs were shaking and I felt hot and cold at the same time, my heart was still racing and I felt like I was trying to breathe underwater.

With a whimper I slid down a wall and hugged my knees. The concrete felt cold through my t-shirt and made me shiver. I closed my eyes to stop the tears, but of course it didn’t work. It never did. I heard running footsteps approach and die away again. This corridor seemed to be less busy than the others and the air was a bit cooler, even if that did nothing to improve the stuffy smell of too many sweaty people. The footsteps came closer again and stopped running. Then I felt a warm hand on my wrist. I didn’t look up, I didn’t even open my eyes. I just sat there, struggling to breathe.

‘Got lost?,’ I heard Sam’s voice just above me.

I nodded. Then I blinked the tears out of my eyes and struggled back to my feet. I was still shivering, but my legs felt firmer than before. Wordlessly I followed Sam back down the corridor and around a few turns before she stopped in front of a lift and pressed the button. We waited in silence until a bell announced the arrival of the cabin. As we stepped inside, I heard another pair of boots running our way and to my surprise I saw Daniel racing towards us. My arm shot out and I stopped the closing doors just as he came to a halt in front of us. He and Sam exchanged a glance.

‘I’ll see you later,’ said Sam and exited the lift. ‘Meet me in the canteen when you’re back.’ Then she walked away and the doors closed on Daniel and me.

Hastily I wiped the tears of my face as the cabin was set in motion. I wasn’t sure whether to be happy or annoyed about Daniel’s presence, but I decided it was better than being alone right now. Other people usually helped to get my head clear and keep my feet firmly on the ground. However a small part of me would have preferred Sam’s company. It was better than constantly having to watch myself so I wouldn’t think or feel anything that was inappropriate in his company, that was so familiar, and yet so strange.

In silence we rode to the surface and exited the mountain through a giant car park full of army trucks and armed guards. Daniel led me through an opening into the rays of the late sun and off the road into the trees that grew all over the compound. I nearly didn’t see the fences with barbed wire and the watchtowers. We walked under the green branches and I felt my head getting lighter and the warm evening air stopped my shivers.

‘It can get to you, news like that,’ Daniel said finally, breaking the silence.

I nodded, not sure what to say.

‘I just want you to know,’ he began and stopped mid-sentence. I halted and looked into his face. He readjusted his glasses and smiled. ‘We have a lot of experience with these things. There are many situations we haven’t come across yet, but I’m not lying when I say that we believe more than the average person on this planet. We have seen a lot of crazy things.’

I nodded again.

‘And if General Hammond makes a background check on me and finds nothing?,’ I asked, my voice nearly breaking and I felt tears rise to my eyes again. Ever since I arrived here that had been my worst fear. Not having a family, no place to return to, and even worse, losing the trust of the only people who might be able to help me.

‘Then we’ll find a way,’ Daniel said quickly. ‘Your DNA test was positive, so we already know that you’re not lying. But we have encountered alternate realities before, so it wouldn’t be the first...’

I leapt forward and hugged him. I couldn’t help it. Tears streaming down my face I buried it into his chest and felt his arms around me for just a moment. Then I freed myself, struggling against my heart that told me to hold on.

‘Thank you,’ I said and smiled back. ‘And sorry.’ I looked at the wet marks my tears had left on his shirt, but he waved it away. ‘What was that the general said about a similar case? I think I wasn’t paying a lot of attention after...’ My voice faltered and I hung my head.

He nodded. ‘Jonas Quinn. He joined the team while I was ... away.’ I noticed the pause, but that was a question for another time, so I just nodded. ‘His DNA was altered artificially and he developed supernatural powers, he had visions of the future, but every time he had one his nose started bleeding and he had a seizure. They discovered that the alteration had caused a tumour in his brain, that was directly responsible for the visions he had. I think he learned to control it and managed to save the team and the base before it got too dangerous and they removed the part of his brain causing the visions.’

I nodded again.

‘What do you think my brain does?’ I asked and wandered over to a tree. It looked so real and smelled so beautiful after spending time underground. I could hear a few birds singing in the distance. This was a pleasant change after the quiet forest on the Ancient moon.

‘Well, so far it appears you can heal yourself and read Ancient,’ Daniel replied, following me.

‘Who are those Ancients?’, I asked back.

‘They are an alien race that died out a long time ago,’ he explained, watching me fondling the bark. ‘They were incredibly advanced and were wiped out by a plague. Many had supernatural powers and could heal like you healed your arm.’ Instinctively I looked down at my arm and back up again.

‘And I have their language in my head?’ I asked.

‘I wouldn’t know.’ Daniel shrugged and scratched the back of his head. ‘The last time anyone spoke their language, it was because Jack stuck his head into one of their libraries and it nearly killed him. It completely rewrote his brain with their knowledge and it took the Asgard to save him.’

I opened my mouth to ask the obvious question, but Daniel held up his hand and I shut it again. Obviously another question I wouldn’t get answered. We walked back to the lift and went down into the maze.

‘It should be either the general or Jack who tells you all this and answers your questions,’ he told me when we walked into the canteen. As we came in, Sam got up from one of the chairs and came over.

‘Right, I’ll take you to your room,’ she said with a bright smile and walked me out. ‘Feeling better?,’ she asked when we were out of earshot.

‘Yeah. Sorry for running away like that,’ I began, but Sam interrupted me.

‘That’s okay. We understand. The general will do some background checks once we have some details from you and Doctor Fraiser wants to keep an eye on you for the next few days.’ I nodded.

‘And what do I do the rest of the time? Can I leave the compound?’

‘I’ll ask, but I think it’s better if you stay in here for a while.’

Of course they didn’t trust me. But I saw there was no point in trying to persuade her otherwise, she wasn’t even the one making the decisions. So I just sighed.

‘Could I have a sketchbook and some pens and pencils? I don’t like being bored.’

‘Sure, we can pick some up on the way if you want.’ She took a sharp turn and stopped in front of a grey door that looked like all the others. ‘That’s my lab,’ she explained as she opened the door and turned on the lights. There were filing cabinets, tables, computers and screens all over the place. She rummaged in one of the cabinets and produced a sketchpad and a few pencils. ‘If you want more, just ask,’ she said and handed it all to me. I took it with a smile and followed her down more corridors. We stopped in front of another grey door that had a card lock and a guard in front of it. I looked at Sam with raised eyebrows.

‘It’s a safety measure,’ she explained as she pulled her key card through the magnetic reader.

‘Whose safety? You mean in case I steal his gun and start shooting people?’

That comment just got me a stern look from both of them. ‘In case we have a situation that requires you to have a guide. An evacuation for example.’

‘Does that happen often?’

We stepped into the room and Sam closed the door behind us. Apart from the uniform grey of the walls, the artificial lighting and lack of windows it was quite a nice room. It had a bed, a desk, a wardrobe and even a pot plant.

‘Not as a rule,’ she said in answer to my question. ‘But there is the possibility, and we always put safety first.’

I nodded. The dress I arrived in, which one of the nurses had taken off me, was cleaned and on a coat hanger on the wardrobe and someone even put a selection of books on the bedside table. I scanned the titles and saw nothing of interest to me, a romance, a thriller and a spy novel. I put the sketchpad and the pencils down on the desk and sat down on the bed, dangling my legs. Then I looked up at Sam.

‘What now?’

‘I have to get back to work, evaluate my notes on the moon. But you can do what you want, really. Just stay out of prohibited areas.’

‘I thought the whole complex was a prohibited area?’ I was slightly confused. How was I supposed to tell the difference?

‘Technically yes,’ Sam said slowly. ‘Just try to stay away from doors with locks on them, unless the door is open and people inside. That should keep you out of trouble. You can try and find the others if you like, maybe one of them can give you a tour.’

I nodded and she left. After another look at the books I picked them up and placed them under the desk. No need for them to take up room where they weren’t wanted. Then, after another look around at my new home, I went outside. I stood outside my door for a few moments, looking around, then I turned to the guard outside my door.

‘I’ll go and explore a bit,’ I told him. He stared straight ahead, not even looking at me. I resisted the temptation to wave my hand in front of his face. These guys weren’t the Queen’s Guard, so I wasn’t too sure what he would do then. ‘In case I’m not back when curfew starts, I’m probably lost, so someone has to come and find me, alright?’ Still no reaction. ‘Very well, see ya.’

I started walking straight ahead and to my relief didn’t hear any footsteps following me down the hall. At the next intersection I turned to the left and to the left again, until I reached my door again. This time I went in the other direction and like that I started mapping out the underground maze that was now apparently my new home. I saw labs full of people in white coats, working on alien machines, pointing lasers or generally arguing, I rediscovered the canteen and I also found a gym, a locker room and several store rooms. As advised I stayed away from any closed door with a lock on it, but other than that I left no handle unturned. After a while I bumped into Daniel while cutting a corner on the left side.

‘Ouch.’

I had forgotten that Americans had inverted traffic, like the rest of Europe. With a grimace I rubbed my shoulder.

‘Sorry about that,’ I said and helped him gather up the papers he had dropped.

‘It’s alright,’ he replied and stood back up. ‘It happens quite a lot around here.’

‘Yes, but I’m British, and we apologise.’

‘You’re Italian...’

‘Only on paper.’ I grinned.

I was about to walk on when Daniel started talking again.

‘Have you had dinner yet?’

‘Oh, is it that time already?’ I hadn’t even noticed how long I had spent walking around. But it had been afternoon when I arrived here, so it seemed about right.

‘How about I drop these off in my office,’ he said slightly too slow for normal speech. ‘And then we can go grab something in the canteen?’

‘Alright, why not.’ I gave him a smile. That was the most reluctant invitation to dinner I had ever had. But it wasn’t that at all, I told myself when I trotted after him. It was just him being polite and taking responsibility for someone strange to the facility. Besides, the entire staff would be there as well, so it was hardly an invitation to an intimate tête-à-tête. But why was there a part of me who was regretting that?

Pull yourself together! Remember last time.

When we reached the canteen I was slightly aghast at how many people were sitting in there having their dinner off a tray. This brought back unpleasant memories of my gratefully brief time in a boarding school. Some looked up as we walked in, but none paid us any notable amounts of attention. Daniel conducted me to the buffet and I did my best to avoid the too suspicious items that had been ‘kept warm’ to a brown crisp and seemed to be the wrong shape and colour. I wasn’t a big eater and I was quite happy with my plate, but the cook behind the counter gave me a pitiful look and an extra scoop of chips when my plate went past her. I sighed. For some reason or other all Americans expected other people to behave exactly like them, and having ridiculously large dinners seemed to be a part of that. Hopefully nobody would notice me not eating all of it.

I followed Daniel to a table that was already being used by Colonel O’Neill, Teal’c and Sam. Daniel asked me to use the last chair at the table and went in hunt of a fifth into the crowd. When I had settled down, I noticed that Daniel’s and my tray were the only full ones at the table.

‘We thought, well, I suggested that maybe it was a good time to get all those questions answered,’ Sam began, but the colonel waved her into silence. He fixed a gaze on me that went through me like a hot knife. But if he had tried to scare me with it, it didn’t work. My nonna had been a master starer, and the colonel didn’t even come close. I had learned that most people used it to test you rather than for any direct effect. Having your mind read was less scary than someone just acting like he was. I raised an eyebrow in return.

‘What d’ya want to know?,’ he said then and stole one of my chips. I didn’t take any notice.

‘Just like that? I thought the general...’

‘Gave me full confidence on the matter. And I think it’s better if you don’t slow us down because you don’t understand something.’ The explanation didn’t seem very satisfactory, but for now I didn’t care. Someone was going to answer some questions. But which one first?

‘I don’t even know where to start,’ I said pressing one hand against my forehead. ‘There are so many confusing ones, and I think they may all be connected...’

A chair was dragged across the floor in a scratchy staccato and Daniel joined the table.

‘I missed something again, haven’t I?,’ he said after looking around at our faces.

‘Pan was going to ask some questions,’ Sam told him.

‘Yes, but which ones,’ I wailed. ‘There’s too many... Like, how long have you been travelling? Who were the people on the moon? Why weren’t you freaked out about me being there? Who are the Ancients?’

O’Neill reached across and put a finger on my open mouth. I shut it quickly. Daniel looked around the table.

‘Why don’t we tell her from the beginning?,’ he suggested. ‘And then afterwards she can ask questions.’

I nodded gratefully and picked up my knife and fork. One nearly empty tray, more stolen chips and about an hour later they told me that they had got the gate address off the list of addresses entered by Colonel O’Neill before the Asgard removed the Ancient knowledge out of his brain. And now I knew that Daniel had had a wife. Why was that the most important information out of the whole tale that should have turned my world upside down? But I had experienced something similar before, hadn’t I? With Jeff and Lucy. And somehow Daniel’s wife was almost a personal topic of interest for me. I scolded myself for my selfishness. There were more important things at stake here.

‘So, colonel, you already had knowledge of the Ancients in your head?’

‘Yeah,’ he said, chewing on another one of my chips. ‘But after a while I went insane, couldn’t talk English anymore.’

‘I see,’ I said, looking down at my nearly empty tray and then around the room. Only a handful of people were still in the canteen, playing cards or generally socialising, but compared to before it was empty. ‘So that’s what will happen to me?’

‘We don’t think so,’ Sam said quickly and gently grabbed my wrist. ‘Jack’s brain was completely overwritten by the ancient device, where as in your case the knowledge seems to be added and interlaced with your previous brain structure. It’s not replacing your knowledge but adding to it.’

‘I can’t control it,’ I tried to point out. ‘And it gives me headaches.’

‘That’s another difference. Jack never had headaches.’

I looked at the colonel who shook his head. Then I looked down again. I knew about the Goa’uld, the Jaffa, the Asgard and even more about the Ancients, including the slightly disturbing story of Daniel’s resurrection from the Ascended. But there were still a few questions left.

‘So what happens now?’

They looked at each other. ‘We return to the ruins and make some more research,’ Daniel said. ‘Sam wanted to make more observations and I still have a few things I want to check, inscriptions to copy and so on.’

‘And me?’ That was what I had actually meant.

Again they exchanged glances. ‘It would be best if you stay in the base tomorrow,’ Sam said. ‘Janet is worried about the scans and wants to keep you under observation, maybe run some more tests and figure out what exactly happens when you get those headaches. Only if you want to of course,’ she added quickly when she saw my dark expression. So the doctor wanted to experiment on me, I thought. But I was curious too what was going on, so I would have to endure some more pain to find out exactly how to avoid it. And maybe, just maybe, they found a painkiller that actually worked. I sighed and nodded in agreement. Maybe I needed a day for myself to figure some things out. I hadn’t really had a minute to do that since I woke up in a stupid night gown in the middle of a forest on an alien moon.

And there was just one question left.

‘Why? Why me?’

And nobody could answer that one.


	2. Darkness Ritual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pan's headaches become an increasing problem, and she struggles with memories of her past. All events seem to converge on the eclipse, and she knows she will have to be in the temple, at the right place at the right time. There might be a way home for her after all.

Darkness Ritual

When I woke up the next day and started wandering around the tunnels, the others had already left. So I went back to my room and doodled on the paper I got from Sam the previous day, but my heart wasn't in it. The headache was still there, somewhere in the background, but my head wasn't the only thing that was throbbing with pain. Somehow the events of the last two days had cut deeper into my past than I cared to admit. Memories I had tried to lock away, painful memories, were coming back, flashing before my eyes like the strange images I saw since the headaches had started. I could smell the rain again, the wet asphalt of that back-alley. That was the last time I had seen _his_ face, melting away into the darkness, a smile on his lips. And now I was here, with someone who constantly reminded me of something I had been trying too hard to forget in the last few years.

I threw myself on the bed and buried my face in the pillow. What was the point of being here? I felt like someone was playing a dirty trick on me. There were too many things that made either no sense at all or far too much, and in a surreal way, that lead me to believe that this was all still a dream. A nightmare I needed to wake up from. But my dreams had never lasted this long, and the pain from the shot wound was still sharp in my memory like the smell of gunpowder. And if I woke up, there would be no Daniel. Not even this one. Which brought me back to my question: What was the point?

Someone knocked on the door, interrupting my self-pity. I dragged myself off the bed and opened it. Outside was the short woman from the day before. What was her name again? Dr Fraiser, that's right. Janet.

'Hey,' I said, my voice as joyful as a drowned body. 'What's up?'

'I just wanted to see how you are feeling today, Pan,' she said with a smile and came in. She saw the sketches on the desk right away and examined them. 'Those are really good!'

I shrugged. I had made better ones.

'Do you think you're up for some more exams today?'

I knew I shouldn't have let her in! But maybe some more headaches would finally distract me from the chaos inside my mind.

'Sure, why not.'

We walked to the lab, me in gloomy silence, and Dr Fraiser chattering away, telling me all about Kassandra, Tok'ra healing devices and the amazing possibilities of the Ancients' healing powers. All those things the others had mentioned the previous night but never really explained. She seemed adamant not to talk about what exactly it was she was planning to do to me, but at the same time I felt my head clear with every step I took away from my room. Maybe this would be more enjoyable than my own company.

After only a few short moments we entered the infirmary, which was very quiet this time. There were only two patients, and it seemed they wouldn't be going anywhere any time soon. One had a broken leg, the other one had a bandaged head and seemed to be talking in his sleep. Dr Fraiser led me past both of them to the same bed in the corner I had been on last night. There she asked me to sit down, pulled up a chair and opened a notepad.

'How is the headache?'

I shrugged. 'Not too bad actually. Sleeping seems to help soothe it a little.'

She took a note on her pad.

'I see. And do you have any idea when it gets worse?'

I thought about this. I had a theory, but so far I hadn't pieced together an actual reason yet. But after all, that was what I was here for.

'Actually, I have an idea.' I ventured. 'The last two days, whenever something triggered the Ancient knowledge, the pain suddenly increased.'

The doctor nodded and took some more notes.

'It's really hard to put my finger on it, though. Because in that temple area, the pain was pretty constant.'

'Well, you would have been surrounded by possible stimuli, right?'

'That's what I thought,' I nodded in agreement. 'But I don't just get headaches, I also get random flashes of images and words.'

She scribbled furiously on her pad.

'I'm not sure if they are memories, because they're certainly not mine, but it always feels like I'm remembering rather than learning something new.'

I had run out of things to say and waited for the scratching of Dr Fraiser's pen to stop.

'Alright then,' she said after a short while. 'It seems we have something we can start working with.' She paused. 'That is of course if you would like to try some things and see what causes the headaches.'

I shrugged. There were few things that could get worse from this point on. Besides, if we found the reason, maybe we would be able to find a solution as well.

Only moments later I was wired up to another machine and watching Dr Fraiser gather some papers in the next room. My fingers were fidgeting with the edge of the sheet on the bed and I bit my lip as the headache suddenly swelled up again. My heart was thumping away and I felt cold sweat forming on my back. The doctor returned with a pile of papers and gave me a bright smile. Then she frowned when she saw my face.

'Are you alright?'

'Yeah,' I tried to smile. 'Just a bit nervous.'

She laughed. 'Well then, we will have to change that, won't we?'

After some readjusting of her papers she looked into my face again. 'How does your head feel? We need to find a reference point for later on, so we can compare the results to something.'

I hesitated for a moment too long, and she frowned. 'Sorry,' I started. 'It's not too bad, but worse than it was before.'

Her frown deepened and I shrugged again.

'I think it's just nerves,' I explained and gave a dry laugh. 'Anticipating the pain to come. And all these wires. I feel like I'm in Frankenstein's lab.'

We both laughed at that.

'Well, then we'll just have to try and take your mind off things for a while.' She handed me a few of the pages she had brought in. 'The general sent these through to me. If you could fill those out with as much information as you can, we'll do our background checks on you to confirm the info you gave us.'

My hand was shaking when I took the papers, and I wasn't sure whether this was better or worse than getting my brain dissected. What if they found nothing? What if it turned out I didn't exist at all? But that was a fact I wouldn't be able to change either way. And after all, they had brought me back with them, even though my story was highly suspect. So how likely was it, they would just kick me out? And kick me out where at that, after all, they couldn't let me loose on a world where I didn't exist. And if I really didn't exist here, my thoughts concluded, why would I want to be here anyway?

I took a deep breath and started to work through the papers. Place of birth, places of residence, parents, uncles, aunts, grandparents, siblings, children – which I didn't have, thank god -, friends, and basically information on every school I had ever attended, any sports club I was part of or any other information that would enable them to pinpoint if I was who I said I was. I wrote down the contact details of my literature professor as well, hoping he would be able to confirm who I was.

Once that was all done, Dr Fraiser got down to business. She had video materials, notes and debriefing documents from the colonel, Sam, Teal'c and Daniel she went through with me. Every flicker of pain she noted down and checked the graph on the machine I was wired into. A few of the stronger instances I could tell where the pain was coming from. There were text passages from Ancient texts, some more complex symbols and even a recording from the girl they had found in the ice. I was watching her use her healing powers, and that brought back unpleasant memories of my own healing session. My right hand rubbed over my left arm without me thinking about it.

A lot of the other times I couldn't tell where the headaches were coming from. But the more we did, the more material we went through, the sorer my head felt. I wasn't sure whether it had been just minutes or already hours that passed when I asked Dr Fraiser for a break.

'The pain itself isn't too bad,' I explained. 'But it's like poking me with a sharp stick always in the same place. My brain feels like raw skin...'

She gave me a bright smile and switched off the machine.

'That's quite alright, Pan. I think I have plenty of material to form a hypothesis. Anything else you would like to share with me?'

'Well, it's...' I hesitated. 'The pain isn't as strong as it was yesterday or the day before. Then it felt like someone was cutting through my brain with a red hot knife. But these are more like pricks with a needle.'

Dr Fraiser wrote that down, too. 'If you ask me, there are less simultaneous triggers here than there were in the lost temple. That could be part of the reason. As far as I can tell, your headaches are not just related to Ancient texts, symbols and artefacts but also their lives and abilities, maybe even memories.'

'But whose memories?,' I said to myself more than anyone else. I did have a few memory flashes I told the doctor about, but nothing specific, no faces, no actual mundane memories of eating food or having a conversation with someone else. And I was fairly sure that even the Ancients had done those things on occasion, when they weren't busy building temples or stargates. I pulled the cables off my face, neck and shoulders and ran my hand across my forehead. Dr Fraiser tidied them up and wheeled the machine away into another room. When she returned I took a deep breath.

'I have been wondering,' I began. 'Do you know if there has ever been a similar case with the headaches triggered by external stimuli? Maybe a case of trauma, suppressed memories, that sort of thing?'

'Not that I'm aware,' Dr Fraiser returned with an apologetic smile.

'Anything at all,' I ventured. 'I was just hoping there would be some scientific material...'

She shook her head and I fell silent.

'Sorry,' she said. 'I really wish there was. I could use some input as well. So far all I can say is that your headache is related to the Ancients, but that is all I can say for sure. My recommendation would be to limit exposure to a minimum until we made some progress.'

I nodded. That seemed to make sense.

'Do you have any idea at all why my head hurts, doctor?'

She thought about this for a moment. 'If you want to hear my hypothesis, I think in this case we can compare your brain to a computer and the new synapses to a new hard drive. If your computer is too old and too slow, which by comparison your left hemisphere is, it will struggle to use the new hard drive.'

I nodded again. It was like I could almost hear the noise my computer at home had made when I plugged a super fast hard drive into it. For almost an hour it was completely frozen and even after I had disconnected it, I had to reboot it before it acted normal again.

'I think I understand,' I mumbled. 'It's like trying to run a new programme on a computer with an old operating system. Even if it is compatible, the processor wouldn't be able to cope.'

'Well, I'm not that good with computers,' Dr Fraiser admitted.

'Neither am I,' I laughed. 'What I said just now probably makes no sense.'

'It should be getting close to lunchtime,' Dr Fraiser remarked and glanced at her wrist watch. Then she smiled at me. 'Would you like to join me?'

'Gladly.'

We found a quiet table in a corner in the canteen and made ourselves comfortable with our trays.

'So, Pan,' Dr Fraiser said in between bites. 'I heard you are from Oxford.'

'That's right,' I agreed when my mouth was empty again. Was it finally my turn to tell my story to someone? 'I was born and raised there, but I lived in other parts of the UK as well.'

'And have you ever been to the US before you got here?,' the doctor continued.

I squirmed on my chair. 'I have actually. A few years ago. But it was only for a very short time. A friend of mine has a sister who lives in LA. We had to ... check on her.'

There was no reaction from Dr Fraiser. How could that be?

'Oh, I see. And did you like it there?'

Did I like it? What exactly? The explosions, the screams, the hell it had turned into?

'It was alright I suppose,' I said, watching her closely. Still no reaction, not even a flicker. 'Have you been there yourself?'

'Oh, yes quite a few times actually.'

'Recently? Say in the last five years?'

'No,' she looked up from her food. 'Why do you ask?'

'Oh, no reason,' I lied, poking at my food. Suddenly I didn't feel very hungry. 'I was just wondering if anything had changed, that's all.'

She gave me a bright smile. 'And what were you doing in Oxford, Pan?'

'I just finished my master's degree at university,' I explained, glad to change the subject.

'And what did you major in?'

'Art history,' I explained. 'But I was considering writing my PhD in my secondary subject, literature. It's a lot easier to find materials for long essays in that field.'

'I see what you mean,' Dr Fraiser laughed. 'And what do you do outside of your classes?'

'My parents were very keen on a cultural education, so I played the piano, sometimes at the Italian embassy.'

'Ah, yes, your parent's are Italian, I remember,' Dr Fraiser interrupted with a bright smile.

'Yes, my father did quite a lot of work with the embassy, so on several occasions the ambassador had asked me to perform there,' I explained. It wasn't something I was proud of. I wasn't a virtuoso and never would have been, but I was a cute little girl who played the piano well for her age, so I had turned into a kind of mascot for their soirees. 'Aside from that I like to read and draw, and for a while I ... practised sword fighting.'

'You learned to fight with weapons?,' Dr Fraiser said with wide eyes. She hadn't noticed my hesitation. 'That's an interesting hobby to have.'

I wasn't sure whether hobby was the right word for it. It wasn't like I had much of a choice at the time. But the gaps she had left were starting to nag at me.

'I guess that's one way to put it,' I smiled. 'Most old houses in the UK have a sword over the fireplace, and for some reason ours did, too. That wasn't the one I used,' I said quickly when I saw her face. 'But the idea was not as unusual as it probably sounds to you.'

Could I tell her? About the deal we had struck and the swords we got in return? Part of me wanted to believe that she had to know, she had to be aware of what had happened five years ago. But even when I had mentioned LA she hadn't even blinked. Could it really be? I needed to be sure.

'Doctor, there is one thing I was wondering about,' I said when her tray was finally empty. I still hadn't touched my food and now it was too cold to eat.

'Well, I hope I can give you an answer,' she said with her bright smile.

'About five years ago, I think there was a great catastrophe,' I said slowly, watching her face very closely. 'Something incredibly terrible happened, here, everywhere else and especially in LA. Do you know what I'm talking about?'

Her forehead wrinkled in concentration and I felt my heart stop beating. She didn't know. How could she not know? My stomach felt like a lump of hot metal and it was getting difficult to breathe. Could it really be?

'No, sorry, I'm not sure I know what you're talking about,' she said and gave me an intent look.

I felt my head spinning. This couldn't be! I tried to keep my composure on the outside while in my head my world had broken into pieces. I breathed an excuse and put my fork down on the table. With my hands on the table I pushed myself up on my shaking legs. I felt like I couldn't breathe and everything around me seemed blurred. She had no idea what I was talking about. Almost like it never happened. Maybe it was because to her it never had. And what did that mean for me? I staggered out the door, making my way back to my room, the safest place I knew at the moment. There was no way to tell if she was calling after me, all I could hear were the screams from five years ago, my nose stung with the stench of smoke and burning corpses. To be fair, only days later most of it appeared as though it had never happened, thanks to _him_ , but everyone kept at least some sort of vague memory of that time. Smoke on the horizon, confusion on the news channels, some old friend they never heard of again. But in her eyes there had been nothing, no recollection whatsoever.

After what felt like an eternity I found myself at my door. My breathing was too fast, my heart was racing and my vision was still blurred, but I managed to open the door, shut it behind me and threw myself on the bed. I stared at the ceiling until the panic had subsided. So this was how things were. Even in here in her underground infirmary Dr Fraiser would have noticed something of the events I remembered from five years ago. The only conclusion I could draw from that was that it never happened, at least for her. Or anyone else here. I remembered Daniel mentioning something about parallel universes. Was that really possible? Had I not just woken up in a different place but in a different reality altogether?

I got back on my feet and started pacing the room. If that was the case, my background checks would turn up nothing. They would think I was a liar and kick me out. But where to? The moon they found me on? They knew I didn't belong there. And they couldn't let me live here either, that would essentially be a prison without the bars, due to a lack of windows. Besides, I probably knew too much already to just let me wander free. Would they execute me to make sure I stayed silent? If there was no record of me in this world, nobody would miss me, and if I was never seen again it wouldn't make a difference either. Secret operations like this were usually guarded by the least scrupulous people.

The next wall I passed I punched. All that did was hurt my fingers. I turned with a snarl, punched and kicked at the concrete until I couldn't feel anything anymore. Then I slumped down on the bed and buried my face in my throbbing hands. Should I try to run away? But where to? And how long before they would find me again? Somehow I felt my chances were pretty slim either way. I got back up and walked over to the desk. From the chair I fished for one of the discarded books and leafed through it, not paying any attention to the words. I tossed it into a corner of the room and got back to my feet. The dress was still hanging on a coat-hanger on the wardrobe door. Taking slow steps I reached it and took it down. The fabric felt silky, and all the blood stains had gone. On the shoulders the bronze brooches shone in the artificial light, and someone had even thought to coil the leather band around the hook of the hanger.

This was where it had all started. This stupid dress. With a scream of rage I threw it across the room. One of the brooches came off and bounced on the floor a few times with metallic clangs until it slid into a wall and fell silent. I looked around wildly and saw the sketches I had made this morning. Crunched into balls I tossed them off the table, then I sat down on the chair again and stared at the wall. Even though I had not thought it possible, I was feeling more settled. Things were the way they were, and there wasn't much I could do about it. All there was to do was wait and see where the currents of this turbulent river of events would take me.

A knock on the door startled me and I nearly threw over the chair.

'Come,' I called, slightly too loud. The door opened and Sam poked her head through the crack.

'Hey there,' she said, giving me a bright smile. When she saw the mess on the floor she frowned. 'Is everything alright?'

Somehow her voice brought me back to reality. My fears and especially the panic was still there, but it felt distant now.

'Sorry,' I said, got up and picked the dress off the floor. 'I had a bit of a moment.' I found the second brooch and put it back on the shoulder part.

'Janet mentioned you didn't look well after lunch,' Sam pointed out and came all the way into the room, taking in the scene of destruction.

'Well, that's one way of putting it,' I agreed, uttering a dry laugh. 'I just realised that my background checks will return without any matches.'

'Oh, why is that?'

'Things I remember... Dr Fraiser doesn't know what I'm talking about,' I tried to explain. 'Now, I see no point in going into details, if those things didn't happen here, you don't need to know about them. But trust me, if they did happen, you would at least remember something.' I sighed. 'And since you don't, they clearly didn't happen, so I was either dreaming the whole thing, or to you it never happened and I am in fact from a different reality. Or something.'

Sam hadn't moved the entire time I had been talking. Now she shifted her stance and folded her arms.

'And that's what you're worried about?'

'No, what I'm worried about is that I have no place to go.' I slumped down on the bed. 'I mean, I don't know how you people operate. But if my background checks don't check out, the most logical assumption would be that I am lying. But there is nowhere for me to go, since even my family might not exist at all, or at least be unaware of me. And I'm not sure I can stay here forever...'

My voice trailed into silence. The confusion in my mind was still racing and slowly the headache started to bear its claws once more.

'Come along,' Sam said without warning and turned to the door.

'Pardon?'

She turned back to me and smiled. 'Come with me. I'll show you something.'

Giving her a puzzled look I got up and followed her out of my room and down the corridors. She didn't speak another word until we reached a door that looked like all the others, but I was sure I had been here before. Behind it was Sam's lab. It looked different than it did the night before. There were notes and notebooks across one table, and in the middle of it a laptop stood open, screen on.

'What was it you wanted to show me?,' I said, looking around the room. Apart from her notes and the laptop there wasn't much to suggest it was a lab at all. But then again I had no idea what an astrophysics lab was supposed to look like when they weren't building space machines or something.

'Over here,' she said and went straight for her laptop. She opened a different window and suddenly there was a model of a solar system on the screen. 'I thought you might like to have a look at where we found you.'

I leaned closer to get a better look over her shoulder. There was a star in the centre, two or three planets in closer orbit, the largest and most distant one in red, just like the planet I had seen in the sky. Sam pressed a few buttons and the planet got larger on the screen. Satellites and their orbits around the planet appeared and she pointed one of them out to me.

'That's the moon we went to,' she explained. 'It's the only habitable place in the whole system.'

'How do you know all this?,' I asked, once I remembered to close my mouth. 'Just from observations?'

'Yeah,' Sam said and smiled. 'That and some of the carvings in the temple detailing the system. There might be more planets further out than that one, but they are much more difficult to find if they are further away.'

'That's pretty cool,' I said, stretching my back again and taking half a step back. 'What are you going to do with that simulation now?'

'Watch this,' she grinned, typed a line of code into the window and the planets and moons danced around each other a little. Then they stopped. The moon she had pointed out was now directly behind the planet, hidden from the sun.

'An eclipse?,' I asked.

'Yeah,' Sam said leaning back. 'In a few days from now, there will be a solar eclipse on the surface of that moon.'

Something tingled at the back of my mind.

'That sounds familiar,' I said slowly. ' Where did I hear that before?'

'You said it,' came a voice from the door. I spun around, only to see Daniel standing in the open doorway. He had one hand raised as if to knock, but lowered it when we both looked at him. 'You translated that one carving for me, remember?'

I was too shocked for a moment to answer. How long had he been standing there? But what did it matter in any case.

'That's right,' I said and smiled. It felt strange doing that. Like I hadn't smiled in a very long time. 'I forgot about that.'

Sam got up from her chair and headed for her notebooks.

'We didn't expect the eclipse to be so soon,' she explained. 'But we thought it might be important, if the carvings mention it.' She gave me a long stare. 'And then you turned up there, just as we were looking for the temple...'

She left the sentence hanging in the air with a noose on the end. What was she trying to tell me? That it was fate? A strange coincidence?

'I don't think I understand,' I began.

'You said you were worried about your background checks turning up empty,' she said. I glanced at Daniel out of the corner of my eyes. I hadn't planned on letting him know about it. 'But I think there is far more at stake here. Without you we wouldn't have found the temple at all, and then we find it just in time for a rare solar eclipse, that clearly will cause something big to happen in those ruins. Those seem to be too big coincidences to me to just ignore them.'

'I have to say, I agree,' Daniel interrupted and I faced him again. 'If we hadn't found the temple that night, I doubt we would have found out any of this in time. And if I'm honest, without you there was no way we would have gotten through the doorway.'

'He might have just started a dig in the forest until he found something,' Sam chuckled behind me, and I couldn't help but grin at this image. There he would still be now, digging between the trees on the other side of the temple, wondering why he never found anything.

'Yeah, very funny,' he said, but he was smiling as he said it. It was that smile again that I had seen on the very first day. I felt hot blood flow into my cheeks and hoped the dim neon light would hide it from the others.

'Actually, I've been meaning to ask,' I said, turning back to Sam. 'Who put those books into my room?'

'Why, don't you like them?'

'I'm really sorry, but ... I'm not sure how you can read those without losing several IQ points in the process.'

They both laughed and I joined in.

'Probably one of the younger airmen picked those,' Daniel said. 'They aren't famous for their literary taste.' He gave me an apologetic look. 'You really don't have to read them if you don't like them.'

'Well, I would like to read something,' I sighed. 'But I prefer something more educational.'

'I have quite a few books in my office, if you want to have a look,' he offered and gestured toward the open door.

I gave Sam a brief smile.

'If you'd excuse me,' I said. 'I need to stock up my library.'

'You might have to help her carry them all home, Daniel,' Sam called past me and I stuck out my tongue at her. Probably not the most adult reaction, but I felt it was justified. She had clearly figured me out.

Daniel led the way through the corridors, around a few corners. I couldn't tell if we went past the place where I had run into him the night before, everything looked exactly the same, but we reached another grey door that looked just the same as all the others. Daniel opened it and turned on all the lights. There was a desk in a corner, lots of cabinets, probably for files, and a table with bright lighting in the centre of the room.

'So, this is my place,' he said, gesturing at the surroundings.

'Is it?,' I returned. 'Well, I suppose you don't go home that often then.'

He scratched his head, but said nothing. I must have nailed it. There was a large bookcase dominating one wall, its shelves struggling to contain the amount of books, notebooks and loose paper loaded on them. My keen eyes already scanning the titles I walked over, moving my fingers over the spines as I read them. When I turned back, Daniel was standing at his desk, shuffling his notes. On one corner was a picture frame. I couldn't see it very well from where I was standing but there was a woman with a round face, black curly hair and a beautiful smile. I didn't even have to ask who it was. As I watched, Daniel's gaze fell on the picture and he froze for a moment. I turned away, too embarrassed to say anything, and returned my attention to the books.

'Are there any books here I should leave for you?,' I asked without turning around. I heard Daniel approach and look over my shoulder. He pointed out a handful.

'I will need these for my work,' he explained. 'You can pick any of the others.'

I pulled out a book on Mesopotamian mythology, one on the Minoan culture and a third dealing with Mayan temples and their significance.

'These all look amazing,' I said, looking at the rest of the shelf. 'But I doubt I'll have enough time to read them all.'

'Why? Are you planning to go somewhere?'

I didn't answer. I wasn't sure how much he had heard before when I told my thoughts to Sam. Of all the people in this base, he was the one I didn't want to know too much about me.

'Are you worried they are going to lock you away if your background checks return blank?,' he insisted. I froze. Of course he would have worked it out eventually. He was incredibly intelligent after all. But a part of me had hoped that he would be too absent-minded to make the connection.

'Something like that,' I murmured and put the books down on one of the cabinets. 'The truth is, I don't even know what to expect if they don't find anything. On one hand, it scares the living daylight out of me.' I saw him move toward me out of the corner of my vision. But at the moment I didn't have the courage to turn around to face him. Not in this room, with the picture of his dead wife staring at me. 'On the other hand, I don't see that there is anything I can do to change what will happen.' I shrugged. 'That's all really.'

Daniel said nothing. I stood immobile, my hands playing with the corners of the books I had just pulled off the shelf. There wasn't anything left to say really.

'You said you studied art history?,' he suddenly changed the subject. I heard him walk over to the table in the centre. Surprised at the change I turned and followed him. Under the bright neon light was a cardboard box. As I approached, he lifted the lid off and carefully took something out of the box. He extended both his hands and I saw a small and delicate, yet incredibly detailed white figurine.

'It's a sphinx,' I said, trying to get a good look without touching it. 'The wings indicate Greek influence, but the hair and breasts are Roman.'

'Take it,' Daniel said, and I could tell by his voice that there was the smile on his face again. I resisted the urge to look up and check whether the dimples on his cheeks had returned as well. Not here, not now. With great care I picked it out of his hands. It was heavier than I had expected. But I could not tell what material it was made from.

I turned it over and over. 'This mix of styles I only know from modern period imitations. Back in the early 19th century when they rediscovered Pompeii, the neoclassical period.' This time I took a closer look at the face. 'But this is wrong, the beard and the eyes, they're ... Egyptian.'

This time I looked up into Daniel's face. He was still smiling and for a moment my heart skipped a beat and I nearly dropped the Sphinx.

'I'm not sure I understand,' I began. 'Off the top of my head I'd say late 18th or early 19th century,' I said. 'But these mixed cultures shouldn't exist. And the material seems much older. Unless it was under water.'

The look on Daniel's face was now plain amusement.

'The first sphinxes were made by the Egyptians in the Old Kingdom. That was more than 5000 years ago. And I would say artistically they would not have been able to make this so detailed.' I narrowed my eyes. 'But you're going to tell me it's much older than that, aren't you?'

'You were off by about 5000 years,' he said with a grin. He took it back out of my hands and placed it back into the box. 'It was found in a tomb not too long ago, but the carbon dating places it at about 10,000 years ago.'

'That's...' I had wanted to say impossible. But under my current circumstances I thought that would not be the best answer here. 'Incredible.'

As Daniel was about to close the lid I saw something, a strange shadow.

'Wait a moment.'

I took the figurine back out of the box and examined the base.

'What is it?'

In the bright light of the neon tubes I had almost missed it. I turned the figurine this way and that, trying to find what I had seen.

'Right there, see?'

With the light hitting it from the side, there were indentations visible in the base, faint shadowy lines.

'Is that writing of some kind?'

'An inscription,' Daniel mused, taking the figurine back and tried to get a better look. 'I think we need some special equipment to see this properly.'

I felt quite pleased with myself, having made a discovery of my own. But I knew better than to push my luck. Before I would be able to find out what it said on the base of the sphinx I would most likely have to wait for a long time.

'Did you find any more interesting inscriptions in the temple?,' I asked, changing the subject to another matter of interest.

'Quite a few actually,' Daniel said, closing the box again. 'But I think I have to go over my notes and clear them up a little before there is anything you can help me with.'

I gave him a bright smile.

'Can I see them anyway?'

'Are you sure this is a good idea?,' he asked cautiously. 'I thought it gave you headaches.'

'It's actually a lot better than it was,' I said. 'I think it was mainly the temple that made it unbearable, but here there aren't as many stimuli, so I think I'll be able to cope.'

Daniel didn't seem convinced, but I insisted, so he got out his notebooks and leafed through them.

'There were a few inscriptions here, which I think describe some kind of ritual,' he pointed at a page. 'And these over here described some kind of judgement. I think there was at least one who left them against their wishes, but they caught him and brought him back.'

This time without a headache, I quite enjoyed hearing all these stories of a race long gone. A few of the words sparked my interest, but the meaning forming in my head was much more vague than the precise stabs of pain they had caused me in the ruins. The headache was more in the background this time, like the noise of a car passing by outside your window. Looking over Daniel's shoulder I followed his explanations. Most of them I did not understand, they didn't seem to refer to everyday life as humanity knew it, mentioned other races and wars and strange occurrences. Then he turned the page.

I only caught a glimpse of a carving. Daniel had made quite a good job of copying it in detail. As I tried to take a closer look, the pain came. Not in stabs or a growing pressure as it had the last time, it came in an explosion. All of a sudden my head was filled with fire, my skull was split open and my brain turned to ice. The intense pain made me go blind, my ears filled with a high noise and my mouth went dry. I gripped the edge of the table to steady myself, but my knees slowly gave way. Only now did I realise that the high noise was my own whimpering. The pain was just too much.

'Pan?'

I tried to steady myself, pushed myself back onto my legs, but it remained dark around me. Trembling with every muscle in my body I gritted my teeth. Whatever had happened, I wouldn't give up.

'Pan!'

My fingers lost their grip, my legs gave way and it felt as though my entire body was on fire, burning hot, but at the same time my bones turned to ice. I couldn't move, couldn't see, I could only hear my own cries of pain. Someone caught me in my fall. There were shadows in front of me and two bright lights, reflections on oval glass pieces, and behind them a pair of blue eyes filled with worry and fear.

'I'm ... sorry,' I managed. 'I ... don't think I ... can...'

Darkness closed in around me. When I came to I was half walking half dragging my feet down a corridor. My head lolled from one side to the other, still burning with hot pain, but at least I could see again. My one arm was around Daniel's shoulders. He held onto my wrist with one hand and held me upright with the other. My other arm was over Sam's shoulders and she too had an arm around my waist. When she saw me looking at her she seemed surprised, but they didn't stop.

'We have to get you to the infirmary,' she explained.

I tried to object, but no sound came over my lips. I only did it out of principle. Since I wasn't even able to walk by myself, there wasn't much to object to.

'What ... happened?,' I managed after we had turned another corner, but neither of them gave me an answer. I tried to remember what I had seen just before I collapsed, but this only increased the pain and a low moan escaped my cracked lips. My mouth was dry and not just my head but my spine and the rest of my body felt as though cold fire was racing through my arteries. I had never imagined that I could feel this much pain at once, or at least not under normal circumstances. The darkness returned and I felt myself drift off into unconsciousness once more.

* * *

 

There was a steady beeping noise and a warm softness on my skin when I resurfaced from the depths. I blinked and the world slowly swam into focus. It took some time until I realised I was in a hospital bed, and then some more before my eyes managed to see that I was not floating in white clouds but was in fact merely surrounded by white curtains with light shining through the fabric. My body and mind felt dull, as though I was separated from the rest of the world and my own senses by a layer of cotton.

The curtains were drawn aside and two familiar faces entered the tight space surrounding my bed.

'Well, she's awake,' the short woman said.

'Fraiser,' I murmured, not sure why I couldn't hear my thoughts very clearly unless I said them aloud.

'But don't be too long,' she continued, addressing the grey-haired man next to her. 'The anaesthetic I gave her is quite strong, I'm not sure how long she'll make it.'

I felt my eyes swim this way and that, as if they were in a bowl of water instead of my eye sockets. It was extremely difficult to focus on the colonel. My lids kept falling and I felt that lying flat on my back wasn't helping either.

'Could you ... help me sit up, please?,' I managed to slur and I instantly heard a mechanical whirring noise and my head was floating upwards. My mind clearing somewhat from the upright position I noticed a clamp attached to my digit and several cables hanging from my head and neck. 'Thank you,' I sighed, trying to lie still so I wouldn't tangle myself up.

'How're you feeling?,' the colonel asked, and I was surprised to notice the concern in his voice. Him of all people I had taken to not be very emotional, especially about people he had only just met.

'Been better,' I replied. 'But to be honest I can't say I feel anything right now.' I lifted the hand with the peg attached to my finger and wiggled it around a little. 'Not even this.

'Dr Fraiser had to put you on some pretty strong drugs until she thought it was safe to wake you up.'

'What happened?,' I finally asked the question that had been bugging me. I had tried to remember, but everything after Daniel opened his notebook was a blur, a wall of cotton I had tried to run into to no avail.

'You fainted when you saw one of the carvings from the ruins,' Colonel O'Neill explained. 'When they hooked you up to the machines in here your brain activity was just off the scale, so Dr Fraiser decided to sedate you for a while.'

'I see,' I sighed. 'And what happens now?'

'Well, for one thing you will have to stay away from Daniel's notes,' said Dr Fraiser who appeared behind the colonel like a medical halo. 'If this is what a simple copy of one carving can do to you, until we found a way to stop it from happening I can't say it would be safe to let you anywhere near those notes.'

'I understand,' I murmured. 'It's my fault, I got too curious. I should have stopped when the headaches started again.'

'At least now we know that there is a danger,' Dr Fraiser pointed out. 'But it's good that they brought you here when they did. If I hadn't been able to sedate you in time, you could have suffered some serious neurological damage.'

'Why would anyone do that?,' I burst out. 'Fill my head with knowledge that could essentially kill me. Why? Is that how destructive the Ancients really are?'

'If they are the ones who did it,' O'Neill interrupted. 'But for the moment we don't even know that for sure.'

'Well, what do we know?,' I returned, my mind getting weaker by the minute. Getting angry about my general situation hadn't done anything except exhaust me even more.

'We are having a meeting in an hour or so,' the colonel explained. 'And we would like you to be there as well.'

'If my doctor allows it,' I returned, looking at Dr Fraiser. My lids got heavier by the minute and I wasn't sure how much longer I would be able to stay awake. 'Id be happy to attend.'

'We should have you back on your legs by then,' she returned with a smile. 'I think for the moment we should focus on finding a way to keep that headache under control. If you agree we can try a few painkillers later...'

She watched as my eyes shut for longer and longer intervals. It was a struggle to force them open again.

'Colonel, we should leave her for now,' I heard Dr Fraiser say softly. 'I'll make sure she'll be in the meeting room in time.'

Once I managed to stay awake for more than a minute at a time and most of the dull feeling had vanished out of my head and my fingertips, one of Dr Fraiser's assistants started to stick needles into my arm. It took a while until she found a painkiller that dulled the droning headache at least a little. The pain had returned as the drugs had started to wear off, but I agreed with Dr Fraiser when she said that there was no point in me falling asleep all the time only to keep the pain under control. So we had to find something else. After some experimenting we finally discovered a narcotic that reduced the pain so much I could barely tell it was there.

'This isn't good,' Dr Fraiser said when she saw the results of the experiments.

'It's working,' I said, shaking my head experimentally. No rolling canon balls this time, and apart from a slight pressure behind my eyes the pain didn't increase at all.

'Yes, but this would work if we had just amputated all of your extremities,' she signed. 'I'm not happy using this too much.'

'Alright,' I agreed. 'I will try and keep the emergency situations to a minimum then.' I gave her a bright smile. 'Over the last two days I think I got better at ignoring those headaches. And as long as it doesn't get as bad as this afternoon, I think I'll be able to handle it in the future. Usually it subsides after a while as well, so if it gets too strong I'll just take a break and wait until it goes away.'

'And if it comes as suddenly as this afternoon?'

'I'll have to come back here, I guess,' I said and shrugged.

A young airman entered the infirmary and headed straight for me. He stood to attention in front of me and I almost expected him to salute, but I was relieved when he didn't. That would have been awkward.

'I'm here to escort you to the meeting room, ma'am,' he said, staring straight ahead, about 10 centimetres over the top of my head.

I looked at Dr Fraiser and tried to hide my amusement.

'Looks like my ride is here,' I observed and climbed off the hospital bed. I pulled the sleeve of my black shirt down to my wrist to cover the bruises the needles had left on my arm. While I saw the necessity of the tests, I still objected to my arm making me look like a heroin addict.

The airman led me through the corridors, the control room looking down onto the stargate, up the stairs and into the meeting room. He knocked briefly on the door, opened it for me and closed it once I was inside. The table inside was occupied by the general on one end and the colonel, Sam, Teal'c and Daniel on either side. When they saw me enter, Daniel jumped to his feet and turned off a projector that had been displaying an image of the ruins on a screen behind the general. I looked away until Daniel had sat down again, then I went to sit next to Sam. She gave me a friendly smile, but turned her attention back to General Hammond as soon as I was comfortable.

'First things first,' the general began, and I tensed up. I knew what was coming. 'We have the results of your background check from this morning.'

I frowned. This was fast. Too fast.

'Unfortunately there was no record of anyone called Pandora Lucrezia Polo,' he declared and I shut my eyes in despair.

'However,' the general continued, referring to a document in front of him and I opened my eyes with suspicion. 'We have managed to find nearly everyone else you listed.'

I shut my mouth. I hadn't even realised I had opened it.

'Everyone?,' I asked, my voice sounding hoarse with surprise.

'Yes,' General Hammond continued. 'Even your literature professor and most of your contacts at the embassy. Considering the amount of detail you were able to give us and we were able to confirm,' he made a meaningful pause and looked at me over his papers, 'I am pleased to say we have decided to accept your story.'

'But there are discrepancies,' I insisted. Me not existing was possibly the biggest problem I saw.

'Minor,' the general said and smiled. 'But those are easily explained. Both Major Carter and Dr Jackson suggested you could be from an alternate universe. We had previous occurrences proving to us that the concept does exist.' He gave Daniel a meaningful look, who nodded. 'And considering the nature of the discrepancies in your background check, I am forced to agree. It is the most logical explanation.'

'Sir,' I said when he was shuffling his papers. 'I don't mean to pry, since I am clearly not part of this world these people are neither related to me nor my concern. But would you mind telling me what the nature of those discrepancies is you are referring to?'

'I'm not sure I should tell you this,' General Hammond explained. 'As you have said, these are not the same people you know and they do have their right to privacy.'

'Just tell her, sir,' Colonel O'Neill interrupted. 'It's not like she'll go around telling anyone.'

This got him a stern look, but the general cleared his throat and put down his papers.

'Your parents,' he began. 'We found them both. But as far as we can tell they never met. They never got married and they never had a child. Your father works in the Italian embassy in Hong Kong and your mother as an artist in New York. Is that amusing?'

'Sorry, sir,' I said, trying to stifle my laugh. 'In a way that is better news than you think. You see, my parents stayed in Oxford because they felt it was the right environment for me. They wanted their daughter to grow up in financial and social security, in a society that was intellectual, multinational and tolerant. It seems not having me as a burden they actually went and fulfilled their dreams.' There were tears in my eyes, but my smile was in earnest. 'And you are saying that almost everyone else is exactly where they are in my world?'

'It would seem so,' General Hammond agreed. 'The only person we could not find a trace of was Lucy. Is that funny as well?'

'Actually, it is,' I said, unable to stop my laughing. 'She is the kind of person who could be anywhere.'

'I see,' General Hammond concluded and put his documents aside.

'There is … one more person I would like to ask about, sir,' I said, hesitation weighing down every syllable.

'Your friend Jeffrey Brooks is still working for the same newspaper agency...' General Hammond tried to anticipate my question, but I interrupted him. Jeff still working at the same place wasn't a relief at all, on the contrary. It meant his life was just as miserable as it had been before we met. Maybe even worse, considering that had been five years ago and changed his life for the better.

'No, I wanted to ask about my nonna,' I explained. 'She was … very important to me.'

General Hammond nodded. He didn't even bother to look at his papers. 'I'm sorry to say she has passed away two or three years ago.'

I nodded and looked down. 'I should have expected that,' I whispered. 'She was probably just as bad a smoker here as in my world. Even her death date must have been very close, unless they found the cancer sooner.'

'I think there was a day or two difference,' General Hammond said.

I nodded again. 'Thank you for telling me,' I said. 'I really appreciate all you have done for me.'

'Maybe you can do something for us now,' Colonel O'Neill said. Sam and Daniel gave him a stern look.

'Anything I can,' I agreed. The relief was still pulsing through me, making me feel slightly light-headed. When I felt like this, I could do anything at all.

'Dr Fraiser recommended to limit your exposure to the Ancient culture as much as possible,' General Hammond said. I nodded once more.

'Yes, sir. We found a painkiller that seems to dull the headaches somewhat, but it is apparently so strong she wouldn't like to use it on a daily basis.'

'I understand,' the general nodded. 'However I understand from your personal history and Dr Jackson's recount that you have some academic expertise in the fields of art history and languages. Is that something you would feel comfortable with?'

'I … uh...'

'I would suggest you as a temporary assistant to Dr Jackson. We would of course need to consult you on a few matters relating to the ruins, however only in extremely urgent circumstances.' He gave me a little smile. 'Otherwise I would recommend you work on all cases unrelated to the Ancients. I'm sure Dr Jackson will have quite a few loose ends that need tying up.'

'I do, actually,' Daniel agreed. Then he looked back at me. 'If you're okay with this, Pan. I could really use someone to help me at the moment.'

I had objections, too many of them. The main one being that I still didn't think I should spend more time with Daniel than strictly necessary. General Hammond digging in my past made it harder once more to remember that this wasn't _him_ I was dealing with. But on the other hand some work would help take my mind off things for a while. And it might even be fun.

'I'll try my best,' I said smiling. 'Does that mean we get to go on excursions as well?'

'That will have to wait,' General Hammond said. 'Colonel, if you would please.'

Colonel O'Neill, who had been rocking on his chair with both hands behind his head, came forward with speed, folding his hands in front of him, and gave everyone a stern look, as if we had been misbehaving.

'There is a slight problem at the ruins at the moment,' he admitted. 'We had two other SG teams out in the field and they got under fire from jaffa patrols. I ordered them to break camp, abandon the ruins and make their way back here. They nearly lost a man, but they made it back in one piece.' I started to breath again. These stories were a whole lot different when you didn't read or hear about them in the news. 'There's just one problem,' the colonel continued. 'They're onto us. They're probably expecting us to come back soon and they'll be waiting, probably preparing an ambush. Which means that world is off-limits for the time being.' Sam and Daniel groaned at this.

'But we only have a few days before the eclipse,' Sam pointed out.

'And we need to be there for the eclipse,' Daniel added. 'All the inscriptions mention it, and we really can't miss it.'

'I agree,' I threw in. I never had been able to stay out of a conversation. 'I understand it is dangerous, sir,' I said to the colonel, 'but the eclipse is very important. Most of the memories and the knowledge I have seem to be related to that eclipse. That makes me wonder whether that could be the whole purpose of me being here.'

I got this idea from Sam. If I had really been found in that place, at that time and with those specific memories, there had to be a reason. And the eclipse had to be it.

'Maybe none of you heard me,' the colonel said, his voice sharp as a knife. 'But I just said, the whole place is swarming with jaffa patrols. We can't afford to lead them to the temple, and we can't afford to lose any people over it.'

'This will be our only chance, sir,' Sam pointed out. 'The eclipse only occurs once every 150 years. The moons orbit is influenced by...'

'I don't care, Carter,' Colonel O'Neill interrupted her. 'I'm not getting shot just so Daniel can climb through those ruins in the dark.'

'There might be a different way, sir,' I said, and my quiet calm voice caused the rest of the room to fall silent.

'The only way for us to get to that place is through the stargate,' he pointed out. 'That's the only place they have to wait for us. And then they will follow us all the way to the temple.'

'That is true,' I agreed. 'But the Ancients had enemies, right? Any place important enough to them would have some kind of defence mechanism. We just need to figure out where it is.'

'And how would we find t?,' the colonel insisted.

'If I'm right,' I smiled, 'we won't need to.'

* * *

 

They had sent me to bed right after the meeting and the next day I woke up way too early. The guard in front of my door looked particularly unrested and didn't pay me any attention when I walked down the corridor. I stopped in front of Daniel's office, not sure whether he would already be in, but I knocked anyway. After I waited for a minute or two I started to feel awkward and decided to go to the canteen instead. At least at this time there might be some people there.

The door opened.

'Oh, good morning Pan,' I heard Daniel's voice behind me. 'Sorry, I didn't think anyone was up yet.'

'Well, you are,' I pointed out and he laughed.

'True. Alright then, come in.'

I followed him into his study. There was paper pretty much everywhere and I saw at least three empty mugs buried underneath it.

'Long night?,' I asked looking around.

'Yeah,' he agreed. 'I hadn't realised what time it was until you knocked.'

He looked around and I saw a look of panic cross his face.

'Um,' he began and walked around, trying to be everywhere at once. 'This is not good.'

'What?,' I asked and tried to see what he was talking about. He stepped into my way and I was forced to look up into his face.

'Well,' he began. 'Dr Fraiser did say we should keep you away from the Ancient culture for a while, and, um...'

'I see,' I said and grinned. 'How about I get you a fresh cup of coffee and you can tidy up a little.'

When I returned his office had transformed. The paper was gone and there was an urn sitting on a second table with a chair, a drawing pad and some pencils.

'I thought you could start by helping me transfer the painting on this,' he said when he noticed me.

'You don't have a camera?,' I asked and laughed. This felt too old-school to be real. Was he just trying to keep me occupied?

'I do,' he admitted, 'but I can't put the pictures together very well, and as you can see it's quite complex and goes all the way round.'

I picked up the urn and turned it in my hand. It showed what looked like a mythological battle. Someone was fighting a large snake with a sword and there was a naked girl on it, too. The figures were quite central, but the snake was all over the place, winding its way from top to bottom and left to right. I saw why Daniel wanted a conclusive copy of that. The body of the snake even wrapped itself around the patterned borders. And there were strange symbols everywhere.

'Think you can handle it?,' he asked too close to my ear. I nearly dropped the urn. I hadn't noticed that he was looking over my shoulder. But I just gave him a bright smile.

'You bet.'

The next days passed pretty much the same. Daniel was working away at his desk, and he had warned me not to come too close, because he had to work on the inscriptions in the temple, and I was at the other table, copying a design or sometimes even helping him go through research material on other cultures. He never said much about my work. Most people who didn't draw would always come over and watch me, tell me how good I was or ask if I could draw them next. But there was none of that from him, and I appreciated it. It made the whole situation feel more like a job and less like a strange holiday camp. Sometimes if I left the room for a while, I could see him hastily collecting notes all over the office when I returned, apologising for the mess. It was almost as if he was trying to keep his entire work a secret from me. He wouldn't even answer some of my questions in case they would trigger memories too painful for me.

Overall I enjoyed the time I spent in his office. We found the time to joke and laugh, and I learned a little more about his grandfather and his research. Their adventure with the crystal skull sounded incredible. When he asked me, I told him that all I did was study and help out at the embassy in London where my father worked. It sounded like a lie, well, it was a lie, but there was no way I could tell him the truth. Not him. Not ever.

When he left the room I caught myself counting the minutes until he returned. And when he was there I sometimes found that I was watching him over my work, smiling at the serious face he made when he went through his notes and documents, and looking away hastily when he looked back at me. I had known spending so much time in the same room as him would be a problem, but I hadn't realised how big a problem it would turn out to be. His presence was distracting at least, but at the same time I found him incredibly fascinating, his brilliance and knowledge, his smile and at the same time the pain hiding behind his eyes, that I could sometimes see.

And for some reason the more I tried to fight it, the stronger those feelings got. It was infuriating. Perhaps soon this would all be over, I could go home and forget everything that had happened here. But was that really what I wanted? One day when I returned from lunch, I saw Daniel standing at my desk, going through the drawings I had made that day. He looked up when I entered and gave me one of his smiles. My heart skipped a beat, as it always did, and I smiled back.

'You know,' he said, 'those are really great. You have an amazing talent.'

'It's not a talent, it's a skill,' I returned. 'It's just practice, an eye for detail and good hand-eye coordination. Or would you say you have a talent for languages?'

He didn't answer, only smiled to himself, returned to his desk and picked something up. 'I know I'm supposed to keep you far away from this,' he said. 'But there is something I need to show you.' He returned to me, holding something wrapped in a cloth in both hands. When he unwrapped it, I had been prepared for the headache. But it didn't come. It was a knife, the blade a long symmetrical triangle made from silver, the hilt was twisted and inlaid with angular gold patterns.

'You found it,' I breathed and picked it up. 'That's the ceremonial knife!'

'I thought it might be,' he said and sounded amused at my excitement. 'The last SG team picked it up before they got under fire. Apparently it was hidden somewhere in the ruins.'

I handed it back to him, but he waved his hands.

'It's yours,' he said. 'If this is needed to open the temple, I think you should keep it for the time being. We'll probably need it again when we go back to the ruins.'

The days flew past and before I noticed what had happened, the colonel waylaid me one day, told me to pack everything I needed and be at the stargate at 1200 the next day. I couldn't get any sleep that night. Too many thoughts in my head, too many expectations. What was going to happen in the ruins? What would the eclipse reveal?

Somehow I managed to get ready in time, and somehow we made it through the stargate in one piece. It wasn't until we got under jaffa fire halfway throught he forest, that once more reality caught up with me and I felt the world around me clearly once again.

I ran ahead as fast as I could with my backpack. I heard shots fired behind me and once or twice a fiery ball flew past my head from behind and hit a tree next to the path. I ducked behind the first pillar of the entrance and waited for the rest of the team to catch up. With trembling fingers I pulled the knife out of my pack and glanced behind me. Daniel appeared beside me and took cover behind the pillar next to mine. He gave me a quick nod and I tried to see past the pillar without exposing my head. The rest of SG1 and 14 had taken up position behind various trees close to the gate. As planned Colonel O'Neill was behind the closest. I tried to catch his eye and managed to draw his attention when he was reloading.

'How much time do you need?,' he shouted over the shots.

'As much as you can give me,' I returned and he gave a grim nod.

'Get on with it then.'

Daniel and I jumped out from behind the pillars and I drew into the air with the knife. It wasn't the most even doorway, but I was pressed for time. As long as people could walk through it upright, I wasn't complaining. I darted through the glowing arch, taking care to leave the knife in the opening. Daniel followed right behind me and waited as I put down the knife next to one of the pillars, the blade still blocking the doorway.

'Sam!'

She started to fall back, paused behind the colonel, who gave her a few seconds cover, and she darted through the doorway, crouched down behind the pillar right next to the knife and continued to fire at the opponents hidden in the bushes. I saw one getting hit, and I saw a member of SG14 go down with a scream. But I had different things to worry about. I raced to the second pair of pillars on the inside of the barrier and after some searching I found the symbol I had been looking for. After some pushing I managed to open a panel and slide it out. The inside was filled with colourful crystals shaped like icicles. This far I had planned, but now I had to think fast. Or remember.

I touched all the crystals, trying to find one that sparked a memory, but right in this moment the alien knowledge abandoned me.

'Come on,' I growled, touching all the crystals, trying to find the right one. This was ridiculous. For days the headaches had plagued me, but right at this moment when I needed to remember something, the flashes had abandoned me. Tears of desperation ion my eyes I turned to Daniel.

'I can't find it,' I told him. 'I can't remember.'

He crouched down next to me and put a hand on my shoulder. The warmth of his skin reassured me somewhat, and his encouraging smile did the rest.

'You can do it,' he told me, and I turned back to the crystals.

One of them had indeed reminded me of something, but I knew that it was the wrong one. I got back to my feet and raced back to the entrance.

'Colonel,' I shouted on the top of my voice.

'What?,' he barked back, not pausing firing his shots.

'If I close the door, it will never open again. We'll be able to get out, but nobody will ever come back in.'

'Do what you have to, but do it quickly,' was his response.

I raced back to the pillar, went straight for the yellow crystal I remembered and pulled it out of its socket. The rest began to flicker and I could hear a rising whirring, as if something in the pillar was charging up. I hadn't expected this, but now that it happened I knew what it was.

'This isn't good,' I said and looked back at Daniel. His face didn't fail to express his puzzlement. I pointed at the gun that was still in his hand. 'Is that just for show or can you use it?'

Instead of giving me an answer he cocked it and gave me an expectant look. I pointed at the crystals, he aimed and fired every last of his rounds. The crystals exploded like candy, colourful shards flying in all directions and the glow and the noise stopped. I had watched Daniel's face as he was firing, he had blinked with every shot, and his face was twisted up in what looked half like fear and half like disgust. Somehow that made him even more likeable to me, if that was even possible.

There was a call from Sam. I looked up and saw the doorway flicker. The barrier was still there, but I wasn't sure how long the door would stay open now that the systems had been disabled.

'Colonel!,' I shouted as loud as I could. 'It's about to close!'

'Fall back!, I heard his voice echo through the forest and one by one the rest of the team appeared through the glowing arch. Teal'c appeared, took station behind the other pillar and laid down fire with his staff weapon while two airmen dragged the injured team member through the doorway and took him to safety. One more followed. The last one to arrive was Colonel O'Neill. He crossed into the barrier and continued to fire at the advancing jaffa. I saw another one go down, but the others still advanced.

'The knife!,' I shouted and jumped toward the entrance. 'Get the god-damn knife!'

Daniel got a hold of my wrist and stopped me from getting into the line of fire. Sam pulled the knife out of the doorway, but it was too late. One of the jaffa soldiers got his foot in the door as it closed and managed to pull himself through the barrier. Colonel O'Neill's foot caught him full in the chest and he stumbled back into his friends, who couldn't see him coming, not with the barrier doing its job once more. The momentum carried the colonel over the line as well. He went through the barrier and was once more visible to the jaffa warriors on the other side. They started to fire. Teal'c's arm shot forward, he grabbed the colonel by the collar and hauled him back through, just before the first shots hit the barrier and disappeared. There was a roar of frustration from the jaffa warriors. They charged – and disappeared when they hit the barrier. I could hear them still shouting at the other end of the clearing, but it was too late. The door had shut and we were in and they were out.

I sank to my knees and gasped for breath. I hadn't even realised I had been holding it for the last few minutes. The others guarded the door, just to be safe, but I knew that there was no way in. Not anymore, for anyone. Sam handed me the knife and I put it back into my pack. I heard it clink against the brooches of the dress and felt my bag get heavier in my hands. After a few moments Colonel O'Neill seemed satisfied that the jaffa were indeed locked out for good and gave the command to set up camp in the centre of the temple complex. The rest of us followed suit, eager to begin the preparations before the night. I helped Sam set up our tents, then I checked the contents of my bag. Nothing could go wrong tomorrow, this was far too important.

When I was about to leave the camp to get some air before my obligations would weigh me down again, Daniel caught up to me, one of his notebooks in his hand.

'Pan,' he called and I turned to wait for him. 'I think there is something you should see.'

'Is it going to be painful?'

He hesitated.

'I was joking,' I laughed. 'What is it?'

'I found this on our first day here,' he told me and started to leaf through his journal. 'I was going to ask you about it, but I completely forgot about it after that large carving.'

He stopped at a page, smoothed it out with his fingers, then he showed it to me. It was a sentence he had translated.

'The rock will shine,' I read and frowned. His translation was accurate, but there was a subtle meaning to the sentence I couldn't quite put my finger on. 'That can't be right.'

'It's not?' He looked taken aback. 'I double-checked it, but I couldn't find anything wrong with it.'

'There isn't,' I agreed. 'But it feels like there is something missing. Where did you find this?'

He led the way to a low wall. There was a pillar toppled over the top of it and leaning against the crumbled remains. I smiled. This was where I had my first conversation with him. Who would have thought we would ever come back to this exact spot? Daniel knelt down, pushed the high grass aside and pointed at the writing.

'It's right there, see?'

I knelt down beside him and traced the lines. They disappeared behind rubble further down. Without thinking I started to shift the smaller rocks with my bare hands.

'Could you give me a hand?,' I asked through clenched teeth when I tried to roll a larger piece of stone out of the way,

'Are you sure this is a good idea?,' he asked when it finally shifted under our hands.

'There has to be more,' I told him. 'And it's important.'

He didn't ask further questions, and I wasn't sure if I was able to give him answers in any case. At the bottom of the wall another line appeared, then another and then there was a cavity.

'Finally,' I breathed and stuck my hand into the hole we had just discovered.

'I wouldn't do that,' Daniel began, but he was too late. I pulled something out of the hole, but I cut my hand on the sharp edge of the rock on the way out.

'Ouch,' I said, dropped the thing I found and inspected the cut.

Daniel gave me a worried look, but I had already drawn my strength together and sealed the cut the same way I had the shot wound only a few days ago. 'It's alright,' I told him. 'Good as new.'

We both looked at the device I had found and Daniel picked it up.

'This is strange,' he said and turned it in his hands. It was a metal hoop, the front inlaid with a large gem that looked like an opal or a moonstone. There were chains hanging down from it and little bent metallic spikes sticking out the top. 'I've never seen anything like it.'

'Well, at least now we have an idea what rock the inscription was referring to,' I laughed.

'You're quick to jump to conclusions,' he told me. 'That's not how archaeologists work.'

'It's how I analyse literature,' I told him. 'In a story most connected things are extremely obvious and predictable.'

'But we are not in a story,' he insisted. I just smiled and held out my hand. He put the item into it and I turned it over and over in my fingers. For some reason it had a very familiar feel to it. The inside of the hoop had a strange pattern on it and I bent down to examine it more closely.

'Can I see?,' Daniel reached out, adjusted his glasses and turned the hoop in the light. 'These look like circuits.'

'That's what I thought,' I lied. I had no idea about computers. 'I don't think it's just a piece of jewellery, I think it's actually a machine. Or at least a part of one.'

'I'll have to take your word for it,' he said and tried it on. It was much too small for him. 'But then where is the rest of it?'

I stuck my hand back into the hole before Daniel could stop me, reached around and found two more metallic objects. When I brought them to the light they turned out to be metal bracelets, broad wristbands I could slip on with ease. They too had thin chains attached to them.

'Either someone was up to some kinky stuff around here,' I observed and Daniel's face – to my own surprise – turned red, 'or these chains need to attach to something.'

He just shrugged, but said nothing. But I had an idea of what the chains belonged with. We returned to the camp at my request, because I wanted to check a suspicion I had. After some digging in my pack I found both brooches from the dress and turned them over. The underside showed a similar pattern to the one on the hoop and, now that we could have a closer look, the inside of the bracelets. And upon examining, so did the hilt of the dagger.

'Well, this is a coincidence,' Daniel stated.

'Is it really,' I said in a dry tone. I had stopped believing in coincidences a while back. There was a reason why I was here, why it had to be me, and somehow all the pieces were starting to fit together. But I still didn't have an answer. Maybe tomorrow would be more enlightening. The sun was beginning to set and everyone was returning from their various excursions to the camp and the fire in its centre.

Daniel showed the colonel, Sam and Teal'c our latest discoveries. Teal'c's face didn't change and the colonel just shrugged and returned his attention to his dinner. Only Sam showed interest, turned the hoop over and over in her hands.

'It almost looks like a crown,' she observed.

'I think that's what it is,' I told her. 'And I also think the chains need to be connected to the shoulder brooches of my dress. But that's just guessing at this point. I only hope we have enough time to piece it all together tomorrow before the eclipse.'

'Well, you have until just before noon,' she reminded me. 'That should be plenty of time for a dress rehearsal.'

We laughed, but I didn't feel too happy with the situation. What if I messed up? We only got this one shot at it, and, even though I hadn't told anyone yet, part of me was hoping that whatever we would find would help me get back to my world. True, I would lose a group of friends I had started to treasure, but in coming here I had lost some other friends, who were leading depressingly boring and lonely lives without me in this world. I had to go back somehow. I owed them that much.

After dinner I excused myself and wandered through the dusky ruins once more. I had the feeling that tomorrow would be an extremely hectic day, and we would most likely need to pack up and leave soon after the eclipse. So this was my last chance really to have a good look around. So many places here felt like I had seen them before. So many corners reminded me of little things, like a smile, receiving a flower or having a particularly interesting conversation about a philosophical topic entirely alien to me. After a while I heard footsteps following me and felt an icy feeling rushing down my neck. Someone was hunting me in the dark.

I ducked into the first doorway and stayed in the shadows until the person following me was walking past. Then I stuck my foot out and felt it connect. I heard a thump.

'Ouch,' someone said from the dark ground. The voice sounded familiar.

'Hello Daniel,' I sighed and stepped out of the shadows.

'Why are you hiding?,' he asked, rubbing his shin and getting back to his feet.

'Why are you sneaking after me?,' I returned and folded my arms.

'I just wanted to make sure you're not getting lost,' he said. 'We have a big day tomorrow.'

'Yes, I know,' I said and looked at my feet. The shadows were getting darker and the stars grew brighter. 'That's why I thought I'd have another look around.'

'Anything come to your mind?'

'Nothing specific,' I told him. 'Images, feelings, little snippets of someone else's life.'

Daniel waited silently for me to tell him more, but I just shrugged.

'It's not enough to piece it together,' I told him. 'There is just this … vague feeling of familiarity sometimes, like I've been here before. A long time ago.'

'Someone else's memories?,' he asked and looked around.

'Maybe,' I said. 'I wouldn't know.'

I walked on and he stayed by my side. At this moment I couldn't tell whether his presence annoyed or reassured me, and that frustrated me even more. I hadn't been this confused since the rainy night in the dark alleyway, five years ago. Why did it have to happen all over again?

'I mean,' I began, not quite sure why I was telling him this. 'I have great hopes for tomorrow.'

'Oh?'

'Something or someone brought me here,' I explained. 'To this moon in a parallel universe. And everything has been moving toward whatever happens tomorrow at the eclipse. So I'm hoping, that it might give me a way to go home.'

We walked on in silence for a while.

'You want to go home?,' he finally asked and I sighed.

'Of course I do,' I said. I knew what he was going to say, so I tried to stay ahead of the conversation. 'Please don't take it like that. It's great here, you are all amazing and I can't remember the last time I had this much fun. But this is also not my place. My family doesn't exist and my friends … well, let's just say they are very different people.'

'You can stay,' he said, and the hope in his voice almost broke my heart.

'I would love to,' I said and felt tears rise to my eyes. I turned my face away from him so only the darkness would know my secret. 'But this is still not my home.'

His footsteps stopped and I walked on, hoping he understood. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him or any of the others. But they had to know, they would have to accept that this was my decision to make. And, I swore to myself, if I got back I would try to find them. All of them. Even Teal'c, although I had no idea where he would be.

After I had paced the dark ruins to my content I returned to the camp. Without paying any attention to Daniel I wished the others a good night and went to bed.

Strange dreams plagued me that night between the ruins. I was running through brightly lit corridors and rooms so high I couldn't see the ceiling. There was no sense of direction, so I just kept going, hoping I would reach somewhere. Every now and again I thought I heard a voice calling an inaudible word. I followed the call whenever I could, changing directions and sometimes heading back the way I had come. After what felt like hours of searching I reached a large space. There was short grass under my naked feet, it felt warm and smelled of the sun. In front of me was the carving Daniel had shown me, the carving that had nearly caused my head to explode. I stared at it, and here in this dream for the very first time I was able to look at it.

In front of it stood a woman. I estimated her to be a little older than me, but it was hard to tell from the back of her head. She was dressed in what looked like the white dress I had woken up in and stood with both arms extended to her sides in front of the carving. I saw she was wearing the circlet and bracelets, the chains connected to the shoulder brooches and hanging down over her arms and shoulders. She looked so elegant and divine just standing there, I didn't dare make a noise. Somehow she noticed me anyway and turned around slowly, lowering her arms. I gasped when I saw her face. Because it was my face. Somewhat older and somehow ageless, but nevertheless my face. She smiled when she saw me and stepped away from the carving.

'Thank you for coming,' she said in a soft voice, and for some reason the words I understood were not the words she had said to me, but a different language altogether.

'Who are you?,' I asked the obvious question. But all I got was a slight shake of her head which made the chains jingle.

'No time for that,' she insisted and took my hands. 'You must remember. Remember Ulysses, the cunning one. He will bring you home.'

I awoke with a start and sat bolt-upright in my sleeping bag. Someone was shining a torch in my face.

'Sorry,' I heard Sam say when I raised a hand to shade my eyes and the light disappeared. 'I heard you scream.'

'Scream?' I was confused. Why would I scream?

'Or shout,' she said and sat down beside me. 'Is everything alright?'

'Just dreaming,' I said, still half asleep. 'Did I wake anyone else?'

'Nobody,' I heard Colonel O'Neill say outside the tent. 'Just the rest of the camp.'

'I'm sorry,' I said and swallowed.

'It's okay,' Sam said and gave me a reassuring smile.

'Just out of interest, what did I shout?'

'I think it was Ulysses. What's Ulysses?'

'I wish I knew,' I sighed and, once the others had disappeared, lay back down and tried to go back to sleep.

The next day I was one of the first to get up, although of course nobody could beat Colonel O'Neill. He was sitting on a broken-down wall facing the entrance and eating an energy bar. When he saw me approach he gave me a nod and pointed towards the pillars.

'They're not giving up,' he said. I narrowed my eyes and could indeed see a few shapes move in the shadows under the trees.

'They're not getting in,' I said. 'So why are they still there?'

'They know we will have to go back out at some point,' the colonel said and took another bite out of his breakfast. 'We'd probably do the same.'

I sighed and returned to my tent. I grabbed my pack and went to get changed behind a few walls I felt were high enough. The dress still didn't feel quite right. It was too bulky in places and felt to revealing in others. I fastened the leather band around my waist and attached the brooches to my shoulders. When I stepped out of my changing booth, Sam was just getting out of her tent.

'Wow,' she said when she saw me and smiled. 'That looks really nice.'

I looked myself down and shook my head. 'It still feels like a nightgown to me,' I told her.

'No, you look like one of those statues. You know, the one that's missing the arms.'

'You mean Venus de Milo?,' I asked and laughed to hide my embarrassment. That was the first time anyone had compared me to the goddess of love, and, I hoped, the last. 'Wasn't she half-naked? In any case, I'd have to do something with my hair first.'

'I can help,' she offered and stepped behind me. I could feel her tugging at my bun, loosening some strands and pulling out the ends. 'There, that's pretty close.'

'I have to take your word for it,' I grinned and returned to the scorched patch of grass where the fire had been. The bracelets and the circlet were still where I had left them the night before. I sat down and collected all the items in front of me in a pile. There were little hooks on the underside I hadn't noticed before. But I still remembered the woman from my dream and how she had worn the items. I would be able to make it work. I just knew it.

After a few tries I had managed to connect the bracelet chains to my shoulder pieces and slipped them on. The chains dangling down my arms felt strange and the cold metal burned on my skin in the early morning air. The next part would be much more difficult. I lifted up the headpiece, turned it so the stone was facing away from me and lowered it on my head. It fitted perfectly around my forehead and the cold metal was soothing my ever-present headache. When I tried to attach the chains hanging down past my ears to the shoulder pieces I ran into a problem. I needed to turn my head to see the hook it attached to, but when I did the chain didn't reach. It was too short.

'Do you need a hand?'

The chains whipped into my face when my head spun around.

'Oh, good morning,' I said with a bright smile when Daniel sat down next to me. 'Yes, that would be great, thanks.'

He picked up the chain hanging down the side of my face and with a very serious expression attached it to my shoulder piece.

'About last night,' he began and shuffled over to the other side.

'Look,' I interrupted him. 'You don't need to say anything. I'm sorry if I upset you. I love it here, and working with you has been … amazing. But it was only temporary. And I don't want to spend the rest of my time here regretting anything. Alright?'

'Forget I said anything,' Daniel said and smiled. The dimples in his cheeks and the look he gave me through his glasses made my heart race and I quickly looked away. I felt the last chain click into place and tested the headpiece again. The spikes were pushing through my hair and touching my scalp, but it wasn't painful. In fact this was the best my headache had been since I looked at the carving in Daniel's notebook. I got back to my feet and regretted the fact that there wasn't a mirror available. But the amazed expression on Daniel's face told me everything I needed to know.

'Right,' I said. 'When is that eclipse again?'

I spent the remaining hours fully dressed up. Somehow I was afraid I wouldn't be able to reassemble it all in time if I took it off. So I sat in my dress with jingling chains and an antique crown on my head on a toppled pillar in the ruins and watched everyone go about their preparations. Sam was setting up scientific equipment and most of the younger airmen were assisting her in one way or another. Near the entrance I saw Colonel O'Neill standing motionless as ever, legs apart and his gun in his hand, studying the enemy outside the barrier through his sunglasses. Not far from him between broken down walls I saw Teal'c practice combat with his staff weapon. He was fighting imaginary opponents, dodging attacks that only existed in his head and countering their strikes.

Looking further I saw Daniel buried in his notes, studying another carving on a wall not too far away. Curious I jumped down and joined him. His fingers traced the lines on the wall and he cross-referenced the passage with his notes. I looked over his shoulder and saw that he had already copied and translated the passage.

'Double-checking?,' I asked and he jumped. 'Sorry,' I said quickly and helped him gather up his notes again. 'I didn't realise you didn't hear me coming.'

'It's alright,' he said and stuffed the sheets back into his notebook. 'After you found the circlet and bracelets it made me wonder how many other carvings I missed because they are now buried.'

'I've been meaning to ask,' I began, 'where is that carving? You know, the one that … made me pass out?'

'It's … why do you ask?,' he returned slowly and shuffled through his notes. I wasn't sure why he was hesitating. Was he still worried it would have the same effect on me? Or a worse one, since it would be the real thing, not just a copy?

'I … just wanted to know,' I returned and shrugged. His eyes dug into me like hot pokers into a block of ice. 'I had a weird dream last night,' I sighed when the stare grew too intense. 'The carving was in it.'

'I see,' he said and pushed his glasses back up his nose with one hand. He looked like an owl when he did that. 'Is that the dream with Ulysses?'

'How do you know that?,' I burst out and quickly covered my mouth with my hand.

'I have a very light sleep,' he said with a smile.

'I'm sorry.' It seemed I really had woken everyone up, including myself. 'I normally don't sleep talk, much less sleep shout.'

''I'm sure it wasn't your fault,' he said and laughed. 'Although I am curious what Ulysses has to do with your dream.'

'I'm not sure what Ulysses is,' I told him. 'In my dream...' I hesitated. Could I really tell him? It was incredibly strange and felt quite intimate. Until now I hadn't wanted to tell anyone else about my dream. But I thought if anyone could help me understand what had happened, it would be him. So I took a deep breath and told him about my search through the ruins and the woman I found. 'She was wearing all of these artefacts,' I explained. 'And then she told me to remember Ulysses the cunning one. That's when I woke up.'

'What did she look like?,' he asked. He seemed very eager. 'Was there white light?'

'Yes,' I said. 'The entire sky was white. It was almost like The entire world was just white clouds, the only real things were the ground, the ruins, her and me.'

'And her face?'

'It was … my face,' I said and swallowed. 'I can't explain it, but when she looked at me I saw … me. Sort of ageless, but it was my face.'

He was silent for a while and I felt the need to press on.

'She was standing in front of the carving. That's why I was asking. I think that's where I need to be when the eclipse starts.'

'I had a suspicion,' he said and nodded. 'Some of the carvings seem connected both to the eclipse and the carving. Also if you were supposed to be here for the eclipse, I thought it would be the carving you reacted to the most.'

'So we're going there anyway?'

'I don't see why not,' he said with a smile and got to his feet. 'How is your head?'

'Good as new,' I smiled back. 'I can't feel anything, even when I read Ancient.'

'Really?' He looked surprised. I touched the metal around my head.

'I think this is helping a lot,' I told him. 'But I do have one more question.'

'Yes?'

'So far you were the only person who wasn't confused about Ulysses,' I said and saw him grin. 'So, who or what is Ulysses?'

'You know who he is,' Daniel returned and started to walk away. 'You might just know him under a different name.'

'What name?' I tried to keep up without stumbling over my skirts. 'Who is he?'

'Ulysses is the Latin name for Odysseus.'

'Odysseus?,' I repeated and tripped over a rock hidden under a patch of grass. My knee hit something hard on the way down and my hand slipped over the grass. I managed to stop myself before my face hit the ground. 'Ouch.'

Daniel returned and helped me back to my feet.

'I hope that doesn't compromise the mission,' I said and pointed at the grass stains on the white dress.

'It should be fine,' he said. 'Are you alright?'

'Yeah,' I said and rubbed my burning hand. 'Just a bit bruised. But seriously, Odysseus of Ithaca?'

'Yes.'

'Then what did she mean?,' I mused. 'In Homer's Odysseus he takes 10 years to get back home after the battle of Troy. Does she expect me to hang around here for that long? Or is there something else she was trying to tell me?'

'I have no idea,' he told me. 'But if this eclipse doesn't bring you an answer, I promise, I will help you find a way home.'

I felt tears rise to my eyes. The earnest look in his face and his voice reassured me more than anything had so far. 'Thank you,' I said and heard my voice tremble. He took my hand and squeezed it for just a heartbeat. Then the moment passed, he walked on and I stood rooted to the spot, trying to figure out what had just happened while I waited for my heart to stop racing. After some thought I returned to the campsite and had some breakfast. Sam saw me sitting on a low wall and came over.

'What happened?,' she asked when she saw the stains.

'I tripped,' I said and made a face. 'The skirts are a bit too long for my normal walking pace.'

'You should be more careful,' she said and sat down beside me. 'You could have got hurt.'

I lifted my skirt and examined the now blue and red bruise on my knee. 'It's not too bad.'

'You'll be fine,' she said and laughed. 'I think I lost count of how many of those I had.'

'Same,' I said and grinned.

We sat talking for quite some time, until Sam suddenly jumped to her feet.

'We're almost out of time,' she announced. 'We should get ready.'

'Ready for what?,' I returned, but she had already run away. I stood up as well and saw the rest of the camp get into motion, running around with a purpose that didn't make any sense to me. Were we leaving already? Around me I saw the sun disappear from the grass and looked up. The sky was still blue as ever. So why was it getting dark?

'Pan!' I saw Daniel run towards me. 'It's starting!'

I looked up again and squinted into the light. The sun looked like an oval now and the light was growing dimmer by the minute. Of course, I told myself. The eclipse! How could I have forgotten. I hurried towards Daniel, lifting my skirts so they wouldn't get under my feet again. Behind him I opened my pack and took out the knife, then I turned back to face him.

'Where do we go?'

He lead the way through the tumbled walls, through a maze that was strangely familiar, even though I knew I had never been this way. He had kept me away from this area, and now I knew why. We turned another corner and suddenly there it was. I stopped dead. There was a pressure behind my forehead, but the coolness of the metal on my head soothed the pain and I stepped forward staring at the carving. It looked almost like a mandala, a circular pattern on the wall, lines crossing each other, forming a shape like a flower or a very complex star. In its centre was a dent and an almost imperceptible slot, hidden among the lines. I could only tell where it was from memory, and whose memory it was I didn't dare ask.

As I stared more and more people arrived. Everyone had come to see what this was all about, and I felt nervousness rise up through my feet, as if it was the ground I was standing on that was trembling with fear. The light grew darker around us and I darted another look up into the sky. The sun was only half there now. Around me the others started to put on special eclipse glasses. I had only seen them once before, back when there was a total eclipse in Europe when I was a small child. To my embarrassment, the only thing I remembered about that event was how our surroundings got so dark, the street lights and even the illuminations of the airport came on. Afterwards everyone talked about the corona you could see around the dark shape of the moon, or the diamond ring you saw afterwards. And all I remembered were the red lights on the runway of the airport in the distance.

Someone offered me glasses, but I waved them away. I had more important things to worry about than astronomy. We had one chance to use this eclipse, and I wasn't going to miss it. The fainter the light from above became, the more red it seemed. I glanced upwards again and saw the remaining light from the sun had begun to turn orange and then a deep red.

'It's the gas atmosphere of the planet,' Sam told me, when she saw my face. 'It's tinting the light.'

'Was this supposed to happen?,' I asked her back and raised my voice. With the declining light a strong wind had picked up. I couldn't tell where it was coming from, but it had a strong effect on the general atmosphere. Without the sunlight the air suddenly got very cold. I felt goosebumps crawl up my arms and started to shiver.

The light grew dimmer still and I stood there in front of the carving on the wall, shivering, the dagger in both hands, waiting for the opportune moment. Every now and again I glanced upwards, waited for the totality, but there was still too much light coming from one side of the planet. I had the feeling that something else had to happen to show me what and when to do it. I already had a pretty good idea, but I needed to be certain. There was no room for doubt. And still the wind increased and the world got darker around us.

Then from one moment to the next the wall in front of me started to glow. Certain lines of the carving lit up, started to glow in the red light.

'The planet's atmosphere must be altering the frequency of the light,' I heard Sam talk to herself behind me.

The others were staring at me. And not at me directly, but at my forehead. I lifted my hand and saw a glow reflected on my palm, much like the one coming from the wall, that was emitted by the crystal on the circlet. So this must be it, I decided, the moment we had all been waiting for. The glow became stronger and among the lines I could see writing. It was Ancient.

'The door to the light will open,' Daniel said behind me in a quiet voice, and I knew he was translating. I had already read the inscription and knew what the second part meant. 'The priestess has the key.'

In the centre of the indentation the narrow slit started to glow as well, a brighter light as the other lines and it appeared to come from within.

'What's behind that wall?,' I asked Daniel over my shoulder, not taking my eyes off the glowing carving.

'I'm not sure,' he said. 'I'm pretty sure I noticed nothing special.'

I nodded and took a few steps closer. I could have reached out and touched the carvings with my fingers, but I had the feeling that would break the spell. Everyone else was watching me in silence as I raised the knife in both hands and pushed it slowly into the crack in the wall.

Nothing happened. The world went silent, even the wind died down.

'Well, that was disappointing,' I heard Colonel O'Neill say from the back of the crowd and felt my face get as red as our surroundings. I had failed. A quick glance upwards told me that the totality had nearly passed, and nothing had happened. I hung my head and let go of the knife in frustration, giving it one final shove into the crack. The ground began to tremble. I stumbled backwards on legs and knees that didn't know which way they were going. When I bumped into Daniel he put his arm around my shoulders and held me upright. We all watched as the crack around the knife widened, the metal blade sliding down the sharp stone edges emerging on both sides of the opening door. The entire wall with the carving was separating, two enormous stone blocks gliding sideways with painful slowness and revealing a dark staircase leading downwards.

After what felt like half an eternity they stopped, the ground became calm once more and I dared to breath again. With a nervous movement of my hand I brushed Daniel's arm off my shoulder and went to look what lay beyond the stone doors. They hadn't opened in over ten thousand years, from what I understood about the Ancients, and after what I had been through I wanted to be the first to see. But after the earthquake my legs still felt like rubber, my knees seemed to be bending the wrong way and after only two steps I was back on all fours on the ground, trying to stop my arms and legs from trembling.

Daniel was the first there to help me back up and he supported me while walking me to one of the near walls. There he let me down carefully. My arms felt heavy and somehow my head was full of fluffy cotton. Thinking had become difficult and it had to fight to keep my eyes open.

'Well, that was misleading,' the colonel remarked when the first airmen got their torches out to explore the cavern that had just opened. 'Didn't the inscription say this was the door to the light? It's damn dark down there.'

I laughed at that, but nobody took any notice. My fingers couldn't get a good enough grip on the metal of my bracelets when I tried to pull them off my arms and kept slipping off without completing the task I wanted them to do. Daniel saw me struggle and once again assisted me, this time in detaching the chains and taking the bracelets off my wrists. When I tried to take the circlet off myself, my fingers slipped off the metal like with the bracelets, and suddenly my arms felt so heavy they just dropped uselessly to my sides and hit the ground so suddenly, I hurt the back of my hands.

'I'm sorry,' I mumbled when Daniel took the trinket off my head with a worried look on his face. 'I don't understand why I'm so tired all of a sudden. It's not even the afternoon yet.'

I tried to get to my feet again, but just slumped back with a groan. When I had tried to put weight on my legs my ankles had simply bent sideways, unable to support my body weight.

'What's going on?,' I breathed and tried to sit up against the wall.

'Just stop moving,' he told me and sat down beside me. He turned the circlet over in his hands again. 'It's possible this does more than just stop your headaches.'

Through my droopy eyelids I saw Sam heading our way. She too looked worried.

'What happened?,' she asked and squatted down on my other side.

'Tired,' I croaked.

'I think these aren't just for show,' Daniel said and handed her the circlet. 'Do you see the pattern on the inside? How it's connected to the gem and the chains?'

Sam turned it over and over in her hands. 'These circuits,' she said, 'I don't think I've ever seen anything like this.'

Daniel told her how the circlet had suppressed my headaches and thereby helped me use the knowledge and memories in my brain for the first time. I could only sit there and listen, too tired to speak.

'It sounds like the circuits interact with your brain,' she said slowly. 'That might explain why all these chains and trinkets were necessary to open the door. Even the knife has these connections on it. It must be your brain pattern, or something in it, that was the key to the door.'

That just sounded insane. The look on my face must have expressed my doubt better than any words I could have uttered at this point and Sam noticed it. She tried on the circlet herself. It didn't fit.

'Yes, I have a small head,' I said and tried to laugh. It sounded more like a cough. 'Rub it in.'

'I just wanted to see what it feels like,' she said and took it off again. 'Because there is a large chance this does even more. Most Ancient devices we have seen so far require an energy source of some sort. But this doesn't seem to have one.' She turned it over and over in her hands again. 'So I'm wondering, if the wearer is the energy source.'

'That would explain why you got exhausted,' Daniel pointed out. 'The energy needed to suppress your headaches and open those doors came from you.'

That still sounded insane. I decided to leave it be for now and struggled back to my feet.

'What are you doing?,' asked Sam and took my arm when I staggered forward. The ground was shifting under my feet, or else my legs were long sticks made of rubber.

'I want to see what's behind the door,' I said and tried to shake her off, but I instantly fell over in the other direction. This was exasperating. More than anything I needed to see what was at the bottom of those stairs. I needed to know if I could get home. From where I was on the ground I could see lights moving about inside the vault, but the rest was still too dark.

Sam pulled me back to my feet and dragged me back to the wall. Daniel had already gotten back up and was heading for the open door. This was so unfair! I had opened the door, and as a reward I was too weak to enter. Once she was confident I wouldn't try to walk away again, Sam headed for the vault as well, leaving me behind on the surface. I could hear muffled voices coming from the stairs, but for the moment all I wanted to do was close my eyes, just for a few minutes.

When I opened them again the sunlight had returned. It was early afternoon and I was lying on the warm grass, an army jacket under my head. I got up quickly and instantly the world tilted with me, making my stomach curl up in pain and my head spin.

'Rise and shine,' I heard someone boom from above and I shaded my face to see who it was.

'Good morning, colonel,' I said once I had made out his features against the sunlight.

'Afternoon,' he pointed out and handed me a cup of coffee. I drank it without comment, even though it was black and too bitter, but it helped with the dizziness and made the numb feeling in my arms and legs go away.

'Thanks,' I said and handed back the empty cup. 'How long did I sleep?'

'An hour, maybe two,' he said. 'But they're all pretty busy down there, so I don't think anyone missed ya.'

'They' I noted. I struggled to my feet and for the first time managed to stay upright, even though I needed to support myself against the wall.

'I don't think you should do that yet,' the colonel said, but I could tell by his voice that it was none of his concern. And at the moment I would only stay where I was if they chained me to the wall. My wobbly legs carried me to the doors and then down the stairs. The air inside was cool and smelled of cellars, wet rock and mould. I didn't get very far in the gloom before I nearly tripped over something. Someone grabbed my arm just in time to save me from falling.

'You should have brought a light,' I heard Daniel's voice slightly above me.

'What's down here?,' I asked. The cold air was creeping into my skin and made me shiver.

'Lots,' he replied. 'We didn't even manage to go through half of it.'

'Anything helpful?,' I insisted and tried to see his face in the darkness. He had to know what I meant. But there was no answer, so I pulled my arm loose and ventured further into the darkness.

'Wait,' I heard him call from behind me.

My unsteady feet carried me to a young man looking over a stone tablet. His torch illuminated the carved letters and I was curious to see what was written. I managed to read the first three words, then the sledgehammer of pain hit me right in the brain. I bent over, holding my head in both hands and felt like I had to throw up. The coldness burrowed into my bones and made me shiver. The young airman pulled me back to my feet, not quite sure what to do next, but Daniel was already there, putting his arm around me and leading me away. The headache had disappeared as quickly as it had come, but I needed fresh air more than anything else. The feeling of drowning in a sea of darkness even distracted me from Daniel's arm around my waist until we reached the top of the stairs.

He sat me down on a toppled wall in the sun and joined me. I took slow deep breaths, trying to shake the nausea and the coldness of the vault.

'Thanks,' I said. 'It's better now.'

He nodded and got back up. He walked over to where I had woken up and picked up the jacket on the ground. Then he returned and put it over my shoulders. Even though the warmth of the sun and the kindness in his eyes was enough to thaw me up again, I didn't say anything.

'I mean, we might still find something,' he ventured. 'To get you home, that is. I know it's important to you.'

I shook my head.

'It's alright,' I told him. 'I don't think it will be there anymore.'

We sat in silence, and if this had been Earth we could have listened to the bird song. But there were no birds, no insects, only the wind blowing gently through the grass.

'You can stay,' he said after a while. I laughed.

'Like there is an alternative,' I told him.

'I meant with us,' he went on. 'There are more ruins than this out there, and I could use a second pair of eyes.'

'I'm not an archaeologist or a linguist,' I told him. 'All I can help you with is cross-referencing to Earth's culture or drawing pictures.'

'We'll find something,' he said and gave me one of his smiles. I smiled back.

'I'd like you to stay,' he said and squeezed me hand. I froze. Was this it? 'I know we haven't known each other for long, but – I feel like I found something I lost since you have been around.' Here we go, I thought and tensed up. I had only been analysing my own feelings, and for all this time I had been blind to what was directly in front of my eyes. But I couldn't let him get close. Not him. 'You are an incredible person,' he continued, oblivious to my panic. 'And I...'

'Just stop,' I said and jumped to my feet. My face felt hot and my heart was racing. 'We were only working together, Daniel.'

'I know,' he said and got up as well. 'But that was for this moment, the eclipse, and that's past now. We could...'

The hope in his eyes gave me stabs I couldn't have imagined. How could I let it get this far?

'Look, I just thought we could go and have dinner, just the two of us,' he said and smiled. 'I know this really nice Italian place and...' His voice was starting to sound desperate, and I knew I had to shut him down once and for all.

'This is all there is, Daniel,' I said and gestured around us, my voice getting louder all the time. 'You study this civilisation, and there I suddenly turn up with a head full of knowledge and memories about their race. This is all because of whatever they did to my brain, that's all there is to it, and don't you dare pretend it's anything else.'

I left him standing there, his crestfallen face cutting into my heart like a hot knife. But there was no way I was going to let this happen. Not again. Without thinking I walked through the ruins, trying to find a quiet corner, and it took me several minutes to realise that the noise I was running away from was inside my own head. I crouched down behind a wall, tears streaming down my face and focussed on the feeling of the sun on my skin. I realised I was still wearing Daniel's jacket, struggled to get it off my shoulders and threw it as far from me as I could. Then I hugged me knees and buried my face in my dress.

I heard steps approaching, stop, and get closer. Why could he just not give up?

'Leave me alone,' I shouted and couldn't stop a sob from escaping my dry lips. 'Just leave me in peace.'

Sam stuck her head around a corner, anger and worry fighting for a place on her face.

'What's going on?,' she said. I could tell by the tone of her voice whose side she was on, and it wasn't mine.

'I'm sorry,' I said and felt more tears running down my face. 'You wouldn't understand.'

'Then explain it to me.' She sat down beside me, close enough to listen, but far away enough to make me feel isolated.

I sighed. I knew I had to tell someone sooner or later.

'It's a really long story,' I told her.

'We have time,' she said, still in her cold tone of voice. 'It's not by chance connected to what happened in LA 5 years ago?'

I froze and stared.

'What … How…? I thought nothing happened here?' I burst out.

'It didn't,' she replied and I saw a slight smile steal across her face. 'I talked to Janet.'

Ah, of course. Dr Fraiser must have suspected something when I brought it up. And I had forgotten that they had spoken about this.

I sighed. 'Alright,' I said. 'All of this happened five years ago, and it started in a small town outside Oxford...'


	3. Genesis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After becoming antagonised by SG1, Pan decides to tell Sam her story. Things start to become a little clearer.

Genesis

_Note: This chapter is less of a fanfiction and more of a crossover. As some of you may have noticed, Pan has a rather extensive backstory. In fact, she has an entire book I am writing. But not from her perspective, the book is told from Jeff's POV, which makes Pan a rather annoying character from the outside. But I like her anyway. There won't be much SG1 in this chapter and I tried to keep it short (in vain). The content of this chapter is probably not relevant for the following stories, but I thought some of you might want to know a little more about my protagonist. I also don't guarantee that once I finish writing Pan's story (or 'Stones of Souls' as it is called at the moment) it will actually stick to this summary. I have about three different endings thought up, but I thought this one would be the most interesting one to tell you. Enjoy the read._

'Right,' I said after a long pause and took a deep breath. 'This isn't as easy as I thought when I was planning to tell someone.'

I paused and played with the hem of my dress. Where to start? How far back did I have to go? I could feel Sam's eyes on me and my skin started to burn under her stare. At least there was some of it I didn't need to explain, I hoped.

'How well do you know the bible?,' I asked, and I could tell that she hadn't expected that.

'Reasonably,' she answered and raised her eyebrows. 'I think I know the basic content, but if you want to go into details...'

'Adam and Eve,' I interrupted her. 'Satan, Lilith, angels and demons. Jinns.' I counted on my fingers. 'Golems. Oh, and Sodom and Gomorrah.

'Sorry,' I continued when I saw her face. 'I know about half of that isn't in there anyway. But you heard of most of it?'

'Well, yes,' she replied. 'Adam and Eve is a classic, everyone knows Satan, and Sodom and Gomorrah were the two cities destroyed by fire. But the rest...'

'I'll get to that,' I said, smiling to myself. It occurred to me that with my background knowledge, theology or anthropology would have been better choices for my studies than art and literature, but it hadn't been up to me whether I actually wanted to learn all those things. 'If you already know about the fall from paradise and the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, I don't need to start at the very very beginning. For me, and for my friends, it all started the day I met Jeffrey Brooks, journalist and lightning rod for the world's bad luck. Imagine him like Clark Kent, but unattractive. A worn suit, hat, glasses, old trench coat and briefcase, combined with retreating brown hair, a short scruffy looking beard and eyes so sad even the beggars wanted to give him money. Also imagine a little rain cloud over his head, following him wherever he went.' I grinned. He really had been a sorry character when I met him. Pitying himself on a daily basis, no friends outside work, his only family his demented mother he visited once a week, and an estranged sister. But I had to stay focussed, Sam didn't need to know all that.

'I had an early start,' I continued my tale. 'It was a grey day in late October in Oxford, drizzling and quite cold for the time of year. Actually I met Jeff quite early, when he skipped the queue at the bakery to get his coffee, and the rest of the shop turned against him for not waiting his turn. But it wasn't until about an hour later when we met again that I learned his name. From the bakery I went to the supermarket to get some groceries for my nonna, where a man approached me. He was wearing a white dress, almost like a nightgown, and he had long brown hair, blue eyes, a beard and apart from that feature a sexless and ageless face.

'His voice was very gentle, and he told me to leave this place or else I would be destroyed with it.'

Sam's eyes got wide for a moment, but she didn't interrupt me.

'I thought he was a weirdo, so I ignored him and went about my business. When I was queueing at the check-out he turned up again and he said: "Since you didn't take heed, I must protect you, for it is my duty to see that none pure of heart are harmed." The next thing I know, he is holding me in his arms, pushing my face into his robe, and just a moment later he's gone, and so is everyone else, including the shop. Just gone.' I squirmed on the floor, trying to find a more comfortable position against the wall. I had the feeling that this was going to be a long conversation, and I didn't even have water to stop my throat from getting dry. 'First at the scene was the police of course, followed by a very nervous Jeffrey Brooks. He had been sent to collect the facts by his newspaper, so I agreed to an interview. I told him as much as I could, I was still in shock over what had happened, and he gave me his card to get in touch if I remembered anything else.

'I went to the library to calm down, and I went over what had happened in my head. And then I realised that what the man had said at first was a quote from the bible, and I also remembered that he had been wearing a strange piece of jewellery around his neck, a large glass orb about this big.' I formed a circle with my thumb and my middle finger to show Sam. 'And I also remembered that I had seen something like it only a day before in the newspaper, in an article about a find in Jordan, to be precise in ruins in the Dead Sea. They had found a stone chest filled with glass orbs. They were sent out to research institutes and museums all over the world, and only hours later all of them had been stolen, by burglars that had appeared out of thin air. Everyone said the CTV footage had been tampered with, but one of the pictures they published showed men looking exactly like the guy I saw at the supermarket. So I called Jeff and asked him to meet me at a cafe to talk it over. I had a few ideas on the matter, and I do admit that back then my imagination was running wild sometimes, but I never would have thought I could be right about this.'

I took a deep breath and cleared my throat. I was trying to make my story as interesting as possible for Sam, although with what had happened five years ago there wasn't much that needed exaggerating or dramatising. It was pretty unbelievable as it was.

'When Jeff showed up,' I continued after a pause, 'he brought his coworker Lucy with him. Lucy was about a head shorter than me, curvy in really tight clothes, flaming red curls, freckles and her eyes were so dark, they were almost black. I had mentioned on the phone that I thought the men were angels, you know, actual biblical angels, and she was very interested in my theory. But after a few arguments I could already tell neither of them really believed me, so I stormed off, hoping to find those men and prove my point.

'I can't remember how I got there, but I ended up at a shopping mall. For an hour or so I was just walking around, up and down the escalators and into the shops, until I finally saw him, the exactly same man I met at the supermarket.'

'The same one?,' Sam interrupted, and I smiled.

'Yes, I have a good memory for faces,' I said. 'To be fair, they all looked very much alike, but there was something about that one, a kindness in his eyes, that the others didn't have.'

I waited for more objections, but there weren't any.

'Besides, he recognised me as well,' I continued my story. 'I walked up to him and wanted to ask him straight away who he was and what he was doing, but he never let me get out a single word. As before told me to leave and get myself to safety. At that moment Jeff burst in, he had followed me, and the next thing I know, that guy had me in one of his arms, Jeff in the other, and just a moment later all three of us were standing in rubble outdoors.'

I could still smell the sharp cold air, the dust of what remained of the mall, and that eerie silence where before there had been voices and music coming from the mall speakers. Sam cleared her throat next to me and I realised I had stopped talking, lost in thought.

'Sorry,' straightening out my dress and changing my seat. 'I got lost in my memories.'

She nodded, but didn't say anything. A signal for me to continue.

'So that time he saved both me and Jeff, again saying he had to save those pure of heart.

'"Who are you?," I asked him. "What's your name?"

'"I am Daniel," was his response. "I am an angel of the Lord."'

'Wait,' Sam said. 'His name was Daniel?'

'Yes,' I said looking down. 'It's Hebrew for "God is my judge". And that described him rather well.'

'Is he one of the reasons you...?'

'It's a bit more complicated than that,' I said quickly before she could finish her question. The whole situation was embarrassing enough as it is. 'But yes, he is a part of it. A rather large part.'

Sam nodded again and leaned against a crumpled wall. 'And what happened after that?'

'Jeff didn't take it very well. In his way he was probably trying to play along and get some more info for his article, but he invited us both to come to his apartment. It was close by and by now the absence of a mall full of people except for us three and the dust cloud from the rubble was getting us quite some unwanted attention. On the way Daniel explained that he was one of the angels sent to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah, where he was imprisoned in the stone chest for the last few millennia.

'"So if you're an angel," Jeff asked Daniel when we had reached his flat, "do you remember your previous life? Were you a good person before you died?"

'I nearly punched him for that. But I suppose that's how most people see angels. So I explained to Jeff that angels in the Jewish belief are messengers, God's thoughts and actions, and are actually not supposed to have bodies as such. Daniel stayed out of our argument, he probably didn't understand any of it at that point, but then we, that's Jeff and I, tried to explain to him what had happened in the last few thousand years, specifically Christianity and its influence on Western society.

'For a few minutes we didn't get a single word out of Daniel. Then the first thing he did was he - changed. I understood that the angel's body was just a projection, but Jeff nearly screamed and ran when Daniel's hair and beard got shorter and the white robe changed into a shirt, jacket and jeans.'

I paused again, picturing the moment when I first saw Daniel, not as an angel but as a person. It had been quite the revelation, and even the famous actors in my friends' magazines couldn't compare. And then there was that look he gave me, as if looking for reassurance that this change was acceptable. My face must have been completely blank, because he asked Jeff what he did wrong before I could tell him that it was fine. It was just - perfect. But why? Why did he have to look like that? And why was there another person here with exactly that face, those eyes?

'We tried to get Daniel to choose a side.

'"We have been sent to take all sin from this world," was his response. "And that is what we will do."

'"But it's not fair," I pointed out. "What is the basis of your judgement of sin?"

'He couldn't tell me that. In fact he looked more and more uncertain about his clearly outdated mission. There was one more thing that bothered me, I asked him if any of the other angels were saving people like he had saved me and Jeff. And he couldn't give me an answer to that either.

'"Look," I said to him, "I understand your mission, but there have been no punishments or divine destructions for a long time now. We had terrible wars, killing millions of people, and God, if he actually does exist, hasn't done anything to stop it. The people you angels are punishing have lost so much in the last 100 years, and most of us have stopped believing, because there is nothing left to believe in, nothing to fear and nothing to hope for. What you are doing won't change that."

'He thought about that for a while.

'"I understand, he said after a while. "You say that God has abandoned this world. But I need more time to think before I can make a decision."

'He turned around and - then he was gone.'

'What do you mean he was gone?,' Sam asked, leaning forward.

'He was just gone,' I said and shrugged. 'Like he had never been there in the first place.'

Sam seemed lost in thought and I didn't want to overwhelm her with the events and the world they connected to. I wasn't sure if anything like it had ever happened here, and I was certain that Sam and the rest of the SG teams had seen more than the average person, especially in regards to mythology and what most other cultures would call magic. But it still might be too much for her to process. After a while she shook her head and looked back at me.

'Did he ever come back?,' she asked.

'Oh, yes,' I replied. 'A few days later. In the meantime Jeff, Lucy and I had summoned a demon, Jeff asked me to come to his sister's wedding in LA and then we made a deal with the devil.'

'Whoa,' Sam said. 'Slow down there, you summoned a demon?'

'Yes, in my dad's wine cellar,' I grinned.

'Why?'

'To prove a point,' I said with a shrug. 'Jeff still didn't think that it was all real and happening. And I had some questions only someone in their line of work could answer, like how we could fight angels.'

'And how did you summon a demon?,' Sam said leaning forward.

'A chalk circle and some Latin,' I said. 'Don't ask me, I'm not a scientist.'

'Right,' she said combed through her hair with her fingers. 'Sorry.'

'It's fine,' I smiled. 'I think I'd like to know myself. But the only one who would have known was Lucy, and I never got a straight answer out of her.'

'And then you made a deal with the devil?,' Sam picked up on the next subject of interest.

'Yes, Satan was quite helpful,' I told her. 'Jeff and I got one angel sword each, two bags for the souls and a stone chest to keep them in.'

'Souls?,' Sam interrupted.

'Oh, yeah, sorry,' I said. 'The glass spheres the angels were wearing around their necks, they are their souls. That was why they started appearing once those artefacts were out in the open. And in return Satan wanted us to collect those souls, all 99 of them, and bring them back.'

'So you got two swords, two bags and a stone chest, and in return Satan wanted 99 angel souls?'

'That's right,' I said, relieved she was still following my story. 'So it was pretty straight forward. Once you took the souls off the angels they vanished, or you could kill them with the sword and take their soul afterward.'

'But if you killed them first, wouldn't the soul be dead as well?,' Sam asked and I paused. I had never thought about that.

'I think their bodies were illusions, projections, but not their actual being,' I said slowly. 'And if you left their soul outside the chest for too long they always came back, even the ones that died. Does that make sense?'

'Hardly,' Sam sighed.

'Sorry,' I said, 'but I don't think I can explain it any better. There are a lot of questions I never got answered, even afterwards, and clearly some that I never thought to ask.'

'And you're sure this all really happened? And that we are from the same planet?'

I laughed at that.

'It's just,' Sam continued, 'I mean, yes, we have met gods, but they just turned out to be advanced aliens. And what you're telling me just opens a whole different door. I can't say I believe in angels and demons, and I am always looking for a scientific explanation behind those things, but...' Her voice trailed off. I nodded when I was certain she wasn't going to continue.

'I understand,' I told her. 'I mean, all of this.' I gestured around at the ruins. 'It's hard to believe, but there is an explanation, and a scientific one as well. That makes it easier to cope. But Jeff and I, we just stumbled into supernatural events without any knowledge of what we were getting into. The only people we could rely on were Lucy and an angel, if you want to believe that that is what he really was.'

Sam nodded. She seemed to be satisfied enough with my explanation to accept the events I was telling. There weren't a lot of answers I could give her beyond what I had already told her. And there was more still to come.

'So you made a deal with the devil,' she repeated. 'And what happened after that?'

'Jeff and I put our swords to use,' I said. 'Whenever we knew about angels attacking a place nearby, we would drop everything and rush there to get them. We knew that it would be impossible to catch them all like that, but for the moment that was all we could do. The same night Jeff got a visit from Daniel. He had decided to join our cause after all, but he did have a condition.

'"I will assist in any way I can," he said in the darkness of Jeff's flat. "But since I understood the error of our mission, there has to be a chance for them as well. Let me talk to them, try and convince them to change sides before you catch them."

'Jeff hesitated. Our deal was to gather souls, not try and change their minds. And he knew well enough that we would have to keep our side of the deal, or the consequences would be dreadful. But there was a chance here to even out the odds, so after some consideration he agreed. The next day we got a little elemental education from Lucy. I had asked her about the differences between humans, angels and demons, now that we knew they existed, and she returned that angels were made of light, demons of fire and humans and everything else in our world were made of earth.

'I thought it sounded stupid, after all we weren't eating, wearing or breathing earth, which is what it sounded like. So to prove her point to me, she took us to visit an acquaintance of hers, a rabbi in the outskirts of Oxford. After some convincing and threatening on Lucy's part he showed us his greatest secret: a shoe box. When he opened it, it was full of little clay figurines, but they were alive.'

I waited for a reaction from Sam, but there wasn't one.

'You probably heard of golems before,' I continued. 'Well, it turned out they were real, too. God knows how Lucy knew about them, but the rabbi explained to us that these golems were created by God, and not just as a toy or a tool, but as prototypes for humanity itself. It was kind of creepy, about thirty little clay men walking in circles in a shoe box, bumping into each other and still walking on. Afterwards Daniel showed up, and he knew Lucy, even though Lucy denied it and left us right after. We managed to convince her that Daniel was on our side the next day and we all went out for a celebratory drink. I must have had a few drinks too many, because I managed to turn everyone against me with just a single question.

'"So,' I said to Lucy, "and when were you going to tell us that you are the devil?"

'The air froze. The only one who didn't seem upset about my question was Lucy. When she asked, I explained to her all the little hints I had picked up and pieced together. I hadn't been sure, but at that moment I must have been drunk enough to actually ask that question and mean it.

'"Let's get some air," was all she said and took us outside.

'"What the hell are you on about?," Jeff hissed to me on our way out.

'"What the hell indeed," I replied in a low voice. "Funny, you have been working with her for years, and you never once thought that Lucy could be short for Lucifer?"

'It turned out I had been right again. Lucy introduced herself as Samael, Lord of Hell, temptress and punisher of humanity. But she also was on our side. She didn't give me a straight answer on what she was planning to do with those angel souls, but she seemed sincere enough when she said it was to "save humanity from destruction". Daniel didn't take that very well, he seemed upset about what his fellow angels were doing. However I had a feeling that wasn't the whole truth of what Lucy was up to.

'Jeff lost the thread of the conversation a while ago, he was just standing there, looking stumped. Then another thing came to mind. I asked Lucy about the deal we had made. Daniel had changed sides, so that left us with 98 angry angels. But she just shrugged.

'"The deal is made," she said. "How you keep your end is not my problem. Only the punishment for breaking it is."'

'That sounds sinister,' Sam said. She had been quiet for a while, and only hearing her voice showed me how cracked mine had become with speaking.

'It was,' I replied. 'But she did have a point. We all went home in varying degrees of confusion. But Jeff must have had it the worst. After all, he was working with Lucy on a daily basis and had been for years, and on top of that, Daniel had decided to move in with him. It must be pretty scary if you wake up in the morning, and there is that guy in the room, watching you.'

'You must have been pretty disappointed he stayed with Jeff and not with you,' Sam said with a gentle smile.

'Well,' I said and grinned. I could feel my ears getting hot. 'I mean yeah, I was 19, of course I took it as a personal insult. But what could I do. After all he was entitled to make his own decisions, and if you think about his background and the rules he followed, it made perfect sense.'

Sam was still smiling at me, and now that I thought of the point I had reached in my story, she would be smiling for a while longer.

'That day I bought a paper for the first time in my life, and just the international section was enough to get me fuming,' I continued. 'I went to see Jeff that evening, that was also when I found out that Daniel was staying with him. After I showed them both the numerous articles on destruction and general human insanity, Jeff went to make us all some coffee while Daniel tried to calm me down.

'"But why the Dalai Lama," I was crying. "They had no right."

'"This was time taking its toll, not angels," he explained.

'"But now the Chinese have declared their own Dalai Lama," I went on. "They are going to tear apart Buddhism, either causing two factions or destroying everything and everyone following the old teachings."

'He didn't understand why this upset me so much, since it was so far away and happening in a culture that had nothing to do with mine. But I knew it was just one of the symptoms of how the world was breaking down around us. Another article was about a Jewish sect, who had seen the destructions as the beginning of armageddon and had therefore sought and found a messiah: a young man from palestine, who by all accounts wasn't quite sure what was going on.'

Sam had been listening attentively and I wasn't certain how she was taking it all. As far as I could tell she wasn't religious enough to care about those things, but I hoped that the impact on humanity as a whole wasn't lost on her.

'Anyway,' I continued. 'Daniel managed to calm me down after a while. And while Jeff was still busy in the kitchen I gathered all my courage and told Daniel that - well - that I was in love with him. I thought as an angel he would either not understand what I was on about, or that he would know about the concept of platonic love and understand it in that context. But no, he just gave me a very sad look.'

'I thought you had only known him for a few days,' Sam said.

'Yes, and he saved my life twice in that time,' I explained. 'That sort of thing can go to your head, although I agree it's not the best basis for a relationship.'

Sam laughed and I joined in. It was true, probably had something to do with the adrenaline. I knew that in stressful situations certain things could make a powerful impression on you. And looking back I knew that that had been the whole reason, nothing more. But when you're almost 20 you think you're grown up and master of your own fate. It turned out I had been wrong. So wrong.

'Moving on,' I continued and my smile vanished. 'Well, the short of it is, he turned me down. He explained something about being from different worlds, that he couldn't stay on Earth and so forth, but to be honest I was too angry to really listen to him at that point. When I didn't say anything, Daniel left very quickly. After a while I left as well, and I didn't even bother closing the door behind me.

'I spent the rest of the evening packing. The next day we would go to LA to Jeff's sister. I didn't hear anything from Jeff all night, and I thought that was odd. At that point he was very good at getting involved with things that were none of his business, most of which was my life in general, and I at least expected him to call with the excuse of checking whether I was packed and ready to go. But yes, after the night before I didn't hear anything from him, so I went to check on him the next morning.

'When I got to his flat it was a complete mess, furniture had been thrown over, and for a tidy person like him there were too many dirty glasses around. And there was a trail of clothes leading into the bedroom. I drew my sword and went to investigate. The clothes should have probably given me a clue though. I found Jeff in bed, naked, with a girl. And when I looked closer, the girl was me.'

'You?,' Sam gasped.

'Yes, it was me. Or at least something that looked like me,' I continued. 'It was a good thing I already had my sword out. How dare anything walk around with my face? And by all appearances sleep with my friends while pretending to be me.

'While I was standing there, Jeff woke up. You should have seen his face, still half-asleep and hungover as anything, looking from me to the girl in his bed and back to me. I leaned over, grabbed the girl by the shoulder and spun her around. Her face twisted, her teeth became long and sharp, her hair turned black and her eyes red. I stabbed her with my sword and she disappeared in a cloud of black smoke.

'It took a while to get Jeff back up to speed. So I called Lucy to find out what the hell that thing was. I told her what had happened and what I had seen, and she told us that that thing had been a succubus.'

I looked for any sign of recognition in Sam's face.

'A succubus is a female demon,' I explained after a pause. 'They seduce men. They were pretty much the medieval excuse for sinful dreams about women and of course sleep paralysis. There's a few more disturbing ideas and stories around them, but that about sums up what we actually found out to be true.'

Sam nodded. 'I think I heard about them before.'

'Right,' I said and cleared my throat. 'So there we were in Jeff's kitchen, discovering that he had spent the night with a sex demon who looked like me.' I saw Sam trying to suppress a grin. 'The best part was Lucy on the phone, trying to get him to tell her some juicy details,' I laughed. 'But of course he was too embarrassed. He kept claiming that he had been too drunk. Neither of us believed him of course, but something Lucy said had caught my attention.

'She kept talking about succubi as though she had only heard about them, but never seen one. Up to that point I had been convinced succubi were demons and therefore under her jurisdiction. But it was clear to all of us that someone must have sent it.

'"I didn't send it," Lucy told us, and something in his voice made me believe her.

'"But who did?," I returned. Jeff kept making faces when we were speaking. He had a pretty bad headache from whatever he had been doing the night before.

'"Lilith," was all Lucy said and she hung up. Whoever Lilith was, we didn't have time to find out. We had a plane to catch, and at that point my only worry was Jeff.

'"You really thought it was me?," I asked him.

'"She looked exactly like you!," he exclaimed and jumped off his chair.  
'"That's not what I meant," I shouted back at him. "Did you really think that I would ever..."  
'"I was drunk," he repeated his excuse. "To be honest I'm not even sure I know what happened."  
'"Yeah, right," I grinned. "Just do me a favour and don't pretend you know me any better."  
'"I think I'd rather pretend it never happened in the first place," he moaned and buried his face in his hands. "What was I thinking?"  
'"Clearly nothing at all," I returned. But I left it at that. He packed his bag and since I had already brought mine along we went straight to the airport. Airport security didn't pick up on the swords or the bags. I'm not sure whether to those machines they simply didn't exist or if they passed for something else. I just hoped no angels would turn up at the airport, otherwise we would have to explain to some very angry people how we got swords past their system. But we managed to get to the states and then on our second flight to LA.

'Jeff's sister had sent a driver to pick us up and he took us to her villa in the hills. Jeff had never told me that his sister was a Hollywood actress, but then again before the wedding invitation she apparently hadn't spoken to him in years. She clearly had the money to care for their mother in style, but a father who ran away and a demented mother were too much of an embarrassment for her to acknowledge. She still had invited Jeff, something I probably wouldn't have done, so I suppose family meant something to her.

'We arrived and the housekeeper took us to our rooms. We had just enough time to get changed before the reception. Our flight had been delayed and we missed the ceremony. But I was quite grateful about that. The pomp and circumstance in those events are disgusting. They blow a simple thing like two people living together into this monstrosity, but at the same time the true meaning has been long lost. For one, nobody intends to keep those vows, especially in Hollywood, and secondly they have been going out or even living together for a while, so there is no actual point to getting married apart from publicity and showing off and expensive gifts. On the whole, and especially in this situation, it was just a huge waste of money.'

I saw the look on Sam's face.

'That's my opinion,' I told her, 'and really just on that occasion. You should have seen them. I have seen love, and that was definitely not it. God knows why they got married, although he probably didn't either.'

'Did you ever meet him? God I mean?,' Sam asked, suddenly changing the subject. It seemed to unsettle her to ask that question, and she seemed to be even more afraid of my answer.

'No we didn't,' I returned in a gentle tone. 'We tried to get in touch, but from what we could tell he was unavailable and not very interested in talking to us.'

'How did you talk to him?'

'He has a phone number,' I replied and saw her expression change. 'No really, I swear! But when we called him, all we got was a voicemail recorded by someone called Metatron, asking us to leave a message.'

The irony of it and the memory of our faces reflected in the windows of the red phone booth made me laugh. It had been a rather comical situation, but at the time it hadn't appeared that way. After all, almost a hundred ravaging angels were loose on earth because of someone not answering their metaphorical phone.

'It wasn't just us who were unable to reach him,' I went on. 'Daniel had told me that he had faced the same problem. And that meant that nobody up there knew what was going on, and that there wasn't anybody who would call those angels back.'

'But he really does exist?,' Sam went on.

'Well,' I hesitated. There wasn't really a good answer to that question. 'I'm not sure,' I continued. 'Many things we saw and experienced seem to say that he must have existed at some point. But we never got any first hand evidence, only a lot of people who claimed to have met or worked for him and explained a lot of phenomenon as his work. And that sort of thing you get in every second church. So if you ask me, I still don't believe in him, and according to those sources the right pronoun would be 'it'. God doesn't have a gender.'

'Right, okay,' Sam said and nodded. I hoped I hadn't confused her too much. At the time it had seemed very likely that there would indeed be a God, an almighty creator, but I had a few years to think about what had happened, and that had cleared my thoughts somewhat. In the end, all that had happened was that I had met a few more religious fanatics than I had known previously. And what they believed didn't have to make me change my mind. Sure, there were things that seemed to be easiest explained through God, but that's how people thought of the universe in general until Darwin or the big bang theory.

'Where did I stop?,' I asked and scratched my head.

'You were getting angry about weddings, I believe,' Sam said and I gave her an apologetic grin.

'Oh yeah, that's right.' I cleared my throat. It scratched more every time I did that. 'So we got changed and went to the reception, which was in the villa itself. I arrived downstairs and the party was in full swing, but there was no music. Jeff's sister had hired musicians, but they hadn't arrived and the villa's sound system had broken the day before. They did have a grand piano in one corner, so I offered to play for them. Fiona, that's Jeff's sister, was a bit hesitant, but he vouched for me. He had never heard me play, but he probably still felt guilty about the succubus incident. So they let me play for them for a while.

'And while the party was still going on, Jeff suddenly appeared behind me and pointed to a few people in the crowd. They weren't wearing the white gowns anymore, but their faces were too symmetrical, too perfect even for LA. Without alerting them to our plan we started to mingle and tried to get close to them. If we could take them out without interrupting the party, that would have been ideal. But they saw us, and they knew who we were. They started to throw fire with their bare hands. Jeff and I had our swords out in a heartbeat and went straight at them. We had nearly got all of them, but the last one decided to take Fiona as a hostage. Things would have gone terribly wrong, but guess who decided to show up and save the day?' My voice had gotten bitter at that point. The next part would be the most difficult to tell. And likely also the one nobody would believe.

'Daniel?,' Sam suggested in a low voice. I nodded.

'Good old Daniel showed up and took the last angel's soul,' I continued. 'Fiona was angry but grateful. Her wedding was ruined, everyone had run away, but her underestimated brother and his friends had saved her life from a psycho arsonist and his gang. Apparently that was enough for her to be grateful about. But I saw something through the window, so I took Jeff by the sleeve and dragged him onto the balcony.' My voice became darker and quieter with every word I spoke. 'Fiona's villa had a lovely view of the entire city. And it was on fire. All of it. We could hear the screams and the sirens in the distance, the flames painting the skyscrapers red and making a reflection in the sky. The clouds over the city looked like bloodstains.

'I knew there was no time to lose. Dressed as we were for a wedding we got into town as fast as we could. In some places we would see angels doing their work and we tried our best to catch as many of them as we could. But the destruction and cruelty of the heavenly punishment had already taken its toll on the people of LA,' I whispered. Sam had to lean closer to hear my words, but I wasn't looking at her anymore. I was just staring at the grass in the sunlight while I remembered that darkest day of my life.

'People had gathered in gangs, normal everyday people, some of them in suits, others in sports gear, and they were running through the streets screaming. Not in fear, just screaming. They threw rocks at cars, at windows and at each other. Some more in possession of their senses had started to raid shops and rob whatever they could find. Others just sat there, crying or staring into the distance as if they weren't really there, or rocking back and forwards, talking to themselves.' The images returned, I could see it all in front of my eyes. The fires, the people, I could smell the smoke and stench.

'And among them walked the angels, throwing fire and punishing anyone not fast enough to get away. The ground opened up under our feet, flaming balls fell from the sky. Everything was burning, people were screaming in the flames, and other places we went to we saw piles of burnt bodies, glistening and covered in blisters, their faces unrecognisable.' My voice trailed into silence. I could smell them again, the smoking corpses lying in the street. My ears were ringing with the wails of children, the cries of men and women, the explosions and the sirens a few blocks away. But what could they do against this horror and madness? What could anyone do? This was how the world was going to end, in fire and fear.

I wasn't sure how long I had sat there, hugging my knees and shivering with a coldness even the sunshine couldn't dispel. But in front of me appeared Sam's hand with a flask. She forced some water down my throat and put her jacket over my shoulders. This shook me out of my living nightmare and when I rubbed my eyes I realised I had been crying.

'You don't have to go on,' Sam said after a while. 'I think I have a good idea of…'

'No you don't,' I almost barked and flinched at my own voice. It sounded like gravel. 'Nobody can understand this,' I told her quietly. 'Jeff and I are the only people who still remember it. Everyone else, even the survivors, have forgotten. Many people died, but to everyone they just vanished, maybe drowned in the ocean, went away and never came back. A lot of people lost friends and family, but their memories are vague at best. Nobody grieved for those people.'

'Except for you,' Sam said in her gentle voice and I nodded, feeling the tears run down my face once more.

'I tried,' I told her in between sobs. 'I tried to forget. So many times. But someone has to remember, someone has to at least acknowledge those people existed at all. And by now that is just Jeff and me.'

'How did they all forget?,' Sam asked once I had calmed down a little. 'It doesn't seem like the kind of event to just disappear out of their minds.'

'I'll come to that later,' I said and took a deep breath. 'I haven't quite finished yet.'

'You don't have to tell me every last detail,' Sam said quickly. 'I don't want to make you remember all these things.'

I gave her a tearful smile. 'I don't blame you,' I told her. 'Sometimes I need to remember. It makes everything else seem like paradise.'

Her face had turned white and I felt sorry for her. But there was no turning back. Like my life from that point, the story could just go forward.

'Walking through that hell was the worst thing that ever happened to me,' I continued. 'Jeff didn't take it very well either, but he didn't show it. We managed to find and capture all the angels roaming the streets, but the fires remained, the ground had ripped open in places and the air we breathed smelled of sulphur. Daniel was still with us, silent as ever. It was the angels, they had caused all of this. And he had been one of them.

'"End it!," I shouted at him. "Stop this madness."

' He didn't answer.

'"You have the same powers, the powers that caused all of this!" I was in tears. People around me were burning alive, most of them were dead and the rest was suffocating. '"Please, I beg you! Make it stop!"

'But he didn't answer. He watched me in silence for a while, his face blank. Then he just turned around and disappeared. I collapsed to the floor. It was too much. He was my only hope, and he just abandoned me, abandoned this city and all the people in it. Jeff picked me up and we somehow made it to what remained of the British embassy. They got us and other visitors on the first flight out of the country. During the evacuation we heard on the news that Las Vegas didn't exist anymore. There was just a crater and nobody to explain what had happened.

'We returned home and as I ascended from the madness we left behind, we noticed the confusion in the general population. Most believed it was terrorist attacks or natural disasters, but nobody knew for sure. They didn't feel safe, but they didn't know where to go either. It was happening everywhere, not as bad as LA or Las Vegas, but every town had a building destroyed or people going missing. And it made our mission impossible for us as well. If we packed up and travelled to every location they mentioned, we would always be too late to catch the angels. So we had to make a different plan.

I suggested to set a trap, lure them all into one location and catch them like that. It was the most logical way, but how to set a trap for beings only interested in sin and blasphemy? The entire world was full of it. We parted thinking about a solution and I went to bed early.'

I stopped and played with the hem of my dress. How to continue?

'The next part … is a bit difficult,' I said slowly. Sam frowned. 'And I think it would be best if I told it from Jeff's perspective. You'll see why in just a moment.'

'Alright,' she said and gave a quick nod.

'He got up the next day, and of course he didn't have a revelation on how to attract the angels. While he was getting up, I showed up and, because I know what he wants, I made him a cup of coffee. We talked a few things over and then Daniel showed up out of nowhere. We hadn't seen him since LA. He wasn't very happy to see me, he kept frowning and pinching the bridge of his nose. Then suddenly he grabbed me by the throat, lifted me off the ground and -' I took a deep breath. 'And I vanished in a red flame.'

I gave Sam an apologetic smile. 'You see, it hadn't been me. I don't actually remember anything between going to sleep the night before and - well, when they found me again.' Sam hadn't said anything. She just frowned a little. So I sighed and continued. 'Jeff called up Lucy and the three of them came to my house. All my things were still there, my phone, my bag, but there was a black soot stain on the floor next to my bed and the sheets were a mess. That was all.

'"Lilith",' was all Lucy said and her face got even darker. "This is her doing. We have to hurry."

'They packed their things including my stuff and my passport, and they headed to the airport. Lucy knew quite a few people - I guess that comes with the job - and got them on the next plane headed for Al-Ahsa airport outside Al Hofuf. That's in Saudi-Arabia,' I explained just in case, but Sam already nodded. 'They got a car and headed for the desert.'

'Why?,' she interrupted. 'There is nothing there.'

'Exactly,' I smiled. 'But the fact is that there is nothing there anymore. Lucy gave the directions and Jeff was driving for a few hours, heading south and west into the dunes. Then they saw a sandstorm pick up, but Lucy still urged him to keep going, straight into it. The car started to fill with sand, they couldn't tell which way was up or down, then they broke through, went over the crest of a dune and slid down the other side into a calm valley full of ruins. Lucy had taken them to Iram of the Pillars.

'I can't describe it very well, but it was a calm valley between sandy dunes, a few pillars and brick walls still standing. Iram is a legendary city from the Qur'an,' I explained when Sam's frown deepened. 'Like Sodom and Gomorrah it had been destroyed by God, but instead of raining heavenly fire it just got buried under sand. And that is where Lucy took them, through a doorway, down long flights of stairs into the halls of the former palace. High pillars held up a ceiling lost in the darkness, and on the throne at the other end sat a woman, her skin as dark as a starless night. She was larger than any woman I know, and her servants were little girls and boys, all too beautiful to be real.

'Lucy approached her, the others following close behind.

'"Samael," the woman said in a rich voice and smiled, her white teeth breaking the darkness like a ray of light. "It has been a long time. You changed."

'"Hello Lilith," Lucy returned in a level tone. "You haven't. Where is Pan?"

'Lilith wasn't too happy about this. She kept trying to change the subject, commenting on Lucy being a woman and reminiscing about the old times. But Lucy was persistent and in the end Lilith lead them to a vault behind the throne. And there I was, sleeping on a stone bier. They had changed my clothes to flowing robes of green and brown, and the candles around me all burned with a blue-green flame. The boys and girls from the hall had followed them and were now tending to my sleeping shape, smoothing out creases on the clothes or putting fresh flowers into my hair.'

I stopped, a shade embarrassed. I hadn't been there, and telling it in the third person felt strange, like a surreal fairytale from A Thousand and One Nights, except dark and twisted.

'"Give her back," Lucy demanded and her voice echoed under the high ceilings, getting deeper and deeper.

'"She stays," Lilith returned. "I wanted the man, but she got in the way."

'"So that's why you sent the succubus," Lucy whispered. "And an incubus for her?"

'"Of course not," Lilith returned. "She would never have fallen for that. I sent a succubus as her nonna. There is a way into the heart of everyone, and sometimes it's not the most obvious one."'

I paused. I remembered nonna entering my room that night. I hadn't realised it wasn't her until it was too late. And had I known, I would have killed Lilith with my own two hands. Using my nonna or even my love for my nonna against me. How dare she!

'"What do you want her for anyway?," Lucy continued. "And why her?"

'"You should know," Lilith grinned at Daniel.

'"A creature of Earth but pure of heart," he returned and Lucy narrowed her eyes.

'"That old story?"

'"What are you talking about?," Jeff interrupted. He had tried to wake me up, but my sleep was magical and there was nothing he could do.

'They only told him in fragments and later when he told me I managed to work out what it was all about. When God had created the world, he had separated the elements he found into beings. From the light he created angels, from flames demons and jinn, from earth he created humanity and our world. Those are the three elements we already knew about. From air he created the roc and all beings of air and from water he created the unicorns. They really existed once upon a time, there is even a story that one got saved by Noah and the arc.'

Sam gave me a doubting look, but I really didn't need her to believe me at this point.

'But they are quite different from what you probably heard. Those stories about virgins and The Last Unicorn.' I grinned. 'But the unicorn Lilith had with her, sleeping under the ruined city, truly was the last unicorn. They are great big horses, the size of elephants and not even close to graceful, and they have a terrible temper. Lilith had been collecting beings of all the elements in an attempt to combine their powers and created something to challenge or even surpass God's powers. Her servants were jinn, the sandstorm above the ground was caused by the roc, circling high in the sky, the unicorn had been with her from the beginning, and now she had a being of earth, me. What I didn't know was that Lilith herself represented an element. She had been created from darkness. So now all she needed to fulfil her plans was a being of light. An angel. Lucy and Daniel finally understood that this was a trap, and I was the bait.'

'Wait, so Lilith knew they would come for you?,' Sam said.

'She must have,' I replied. 'Her jinn like the succubus can take any form. Essentially she could have spies everywhere, and nobody would ever know.'

'And how was she planning to combine all elements into one?'

'I don't know,' I replied and looked down. 'But I know that she tried it before, with Adam and Samael. The real reason she was cast out of paradise wasn't just that she refused to accept her inferiority to Adam, as the modern stories put it. She refused to accept anything's inferiority to the creator and tried herself to create something of equal if not greater power. She was too much of a risk, nobody knew what would happen if she really managed to succeed in her plan. Perhaps the whole world would stop existing.

'They never told me how they woke me up in the end. I dimly remember Jeff and Daniel supporting me on the way out, around us pillars were toppling down. The unicorn had awoken and in its struggle to break free of the buried ruins, it was bringing down what remained of the halls on top of us. Lucy was fighting off the jinn and Lilith. I can still hear her scream of rage when the structure finally gave way to the weight of sand and time and buried her and her followers behind us. They carried me up the stairs and only when we were back in the car did they put me down and we looked back. A giant mushroom cloud of dust and sand was rising into the sky from where the entrance had been.

'Jeff drove the car back up the dune, but the sandstorm swallowed us long before we reached the edge of the valley.

'"The roc is on her side," Lucy shouted over the howlin wind. "He won't let us leave."

'Through the windows I saw two shapes, fighting their way through the sand. Jeff stopped and we took them onboard. It was a fat american tourist and an Asian woman who introduced herself as his wife. Lucy was watching them closely. They shouldn't have been this far out. Their car had broken down and when they went in search of help they had gone in the wrong direction and got trapped in the sandstorm. That was what they told us.

'Daniel climbed in the back as well, frowning and studying them closely. Then without a warning he grabbed the fat man by the throat, opened the door and held him outside the car. The man turned into a bright red flame in the shape of a human and Daniel threw him out the door into the sandstorm. He got swallowed by it. The woman sitting next to me had watched it all and her face twisted. I didn't even have to think about it, my sword was in my hands and the other end went into her chest. She disappeared into black smoke.

'"More jinn," Lucy said darkly and Daniel closed the door. "She is desperate. If she lets us get away now, she will never be able to try again."

'After what felt like hours we reached the end of the sandstorm and made our way back to the airport without further incidents. I changed into my normal clothes and the others filled me in on the events I had missed. Daniel had fixed LA and Las Vegas. While I was gone he put them back the way they were. He couldn't bring anyone back from the dead, but he changed everyone's memories to stop them from grieving and asking questions. That's how they forgot all about it.'

'I see,' Sam said, and by her voice I could tell that my face had got dark again. He had done what I asked. But at the same time he had erased it from history, except to me and Jeff it had still happened. And that just made it so much harder to bear. But I continued nevertheless.

'And I was able to tell them my idea of luring the angels to the same place. Lilith using me as bait for the angels had inspired me.

'"The angels follow sin," I reasoned. "But what is the worst sin?"

'"Murder?," Jeff suggested, but I shook my head.

'"That happens daily. Unless you plan to replay the holocaust I'm not sure anything would be bad enough to get their attention. No, what is the worst sin?"

'"Do you mean the original sin?," Daniel asked slowly and I gave him a bright smile. He had saved me, again, and somehow that had made it all better.

'"Exactly."'

'Hold on a moment,' Sam said. 'You were just chased by a raging lady made from darkness and her fiery servants. What happened to her?'

'She got buried alive for all we know,' I explained. 'Those two jinn getting in the car were the last we saw of her and her servants.'

'Right,' Sam said. 'So she died?'

'I don't know,' I returned. 'Sometimes I wonder if she didn't. After all, she had lived for that long. And she was rumoured to be the mother to many monstrosities of the night. But yes, after that incident we never heard anything about her ever again. The sandstorm disappeared and a few months later archaeologists discovered ruins in the desert. No more magic, no more life. If she survived, she must have gone somewhere else.'

Sam nodded and I changed my seat once more. My legs had gone numb.

'We returned to Oxford and prepared for our last strike: a trap for the angels. I tried to do some research, but Lucy already knew what we were looking for. The Tree of Knowledge.'

'Wait,' Sam said, 'Isn't that the tree that Adam and Eve…' Her voice trailed off.

'Were told not to touch and eat from? Yes, that's the one,' I grinned. 'We needed to get the angels' attention, and what better way of doing that than going back to where it all began. Eating from the tree got Adam and Eve cast out of paradise and the punishment has been human history ever since. Nothing worse than what they have done has ever happened, at least from a religious point of view.

'Lucy knew that a descendant of the tree was in fact in the botanical garden of Oxford University. So after dark that's where we went, all four of us. And since we needed a sacrifice, I volunteered. Daniel was against it.

'"If you commit to this," he explained, "I won't be able to save you any more. You will no longer be pure of heart."

'"That doesn't matter," I told him. "It never mattered to me. And I'm not doing this for myself, I'm doing this for everyone. So even if this is the end for me, it will still be worth it."

'Somehow my argument made him hesitate, but he wouldn't let me do it.

'"For f**k's sake," Lucy said and reached out. I walked over to the tree, but it wasn't me doing it. I could feel Lucy in my mind, a burning presence in the back of my brain. She was driving me like a car or a robot, made me do things without asking my permission. I picked a fruit and bit into it. With a bright light the angels appeared.

'There were about 40 of them, all those that remained. And it almost seemed like they had been waiting for us to do this, that's how sudden they showed up. Some of them had weapons, swords with blades of bright fire. Daniel tried to talk sense into them, or at least stall them from their purpose. Somehow by possessing me, Lucy had taken the blame for what had actually happened and saved what Daniel considered to be my innocence. And he was still determined to save Jeff and me. But this was the ultimate sin, and last time it must have taken God himself to stop the angels' wrath. And this time he wasn't here.

'Swords in hand, Jeff and I fought for our lives. Lucy had disappeared into the darkness and Daniel was still trying to save his brothers. One of the swords struck him and he went down. We didn't have time to worry about it and kept going until all the angels had been reduced to two rather full bags of souls and a fallen figure on the grass. I ran over to Daniel, ready for the worst. He wasn't bleeding, but he was in pain, and he was convinced there was no hope for him. I tried to save him, I tried everything.'

I could feel tears rise to my eyes again at the memory of that moment. That's when it had started to rain. And the same rain had still been falling in that dark alley only a little later.

'But he knew the conditions of our deal. So he asked me to collect his soul. We couldn't save his form as it was, and at least like that he could save us one last time. I couldn't bring myself to do it, but Jeff was more pragmatic. He took Daniel's soul off him and his body disappeared.

'We added the remaining souls to the stone chest, placing Daniel's on top and made our way to Castle Mound where Lucy said she would meet us. She was waiting when we arrived and after counting the souls she declared the deal as fulfilled and took back the swords and bags as well. She seemed a little surprised that the count had been complete, but she didn't ask any questions either. But I had a plan she hadn't reckoned with. On our way I had asked Jeff to stall her a little, so I would have time to carry it out. I hadn't told him what I was going to do, but he knew he couldn't stop me anyway. So while Lucy was distracted I went back to the stone chest.'

I was watching Sam's face. She had been very quiet for the last few minutes and I wanted to make sure she was still with me. But her eyes were bright and her face determined. She nodded at me.

'With all the strength I could muster I tipped it over on the grass.'

Sam gasped and I smiled.

'We saw 99 bright white glass balls roll down the hill, and then one by one became a white bird. They flew into the sky, one ahead of all the others. They followed without question and then one by one they disappeared. Only one stayed behind, hovering over us for a moment before it too vanished into the dark sky. They had returned to Heaven, or whatever you want to call it.

'"Nicely played," was all that Lucy said. She gathered up the rest of her things and prepared to leave. But she turned around and waved at us one last time. And that was the first time I noticed her bracelet. It had several large beads, but in the centre was a glass one, about this big.'

Again I made a circle with my middle finger and my thumb for Sam to see.

'So she had one, too?,' was all she said.

'Well, it makes sense if you think about it,' I told her. 'After all, Lucifer is a fallen angel.'

Sam nodded in response.

'And that was it?'

'Not quite,' I said and cleared my throat. This was where it would get difficult to bear for me. Almost as difficult as telling her about LA. 'When Lucy had gone we heard a voice, me and Jeff. Not quite a voice, more like a memory of a call without actually hearing anything. It called us a few streets away, through the rain. And it ended in a dark alley in the streets of Oxford.'

I swallowed. I couldn't bring myself to look into Sam's face.

'He was there waiting for us.'

'Daniel?' Her voice was so soft, I hardly heard it over the wind. I smiled at the ground and my vision blurred when the tears returned.

'He was standing in the darkness, just like he looked before he vanished. And he was smiling at us.

'"You saved us," he told us, rain running down our faces and thunder rolling in the distance. "How did you know?"

'"Yes, Pan, how did you know?," Jeff chimed in. "That was too risky. What if they had returned to burning and destroying people?"

'"I didn't know," I said, looking at the bright smile on Daniel's face. "But I had faith."

'There was nothing more that needed to be said. In just one moment I knew that this was the last time I would see him. He stepped forward and…' I couldn't bring myself to say it. But I knew I had to. I owed Sam that much.

'He kissed me,' I whispered and looked into her face for the first time in a while. Were those tears in her eyes? 'And then without turning around he walked into the shades, still smiling at me, and his face melted into the darkness.'

I took a few deep breaths. There was no point in holding back the tears. I could smell the rain again. The last twinkle of his eyes when they forever disappeared in the shadows.

'That was the last time I saw him,' I whispered and looked down. That was all I could tell her. For a while all we heard was the wind moving through the trees on the edge of the clearing, barked orders in the distance and boots marching through the ruins. Someone cleared their throat quite close and I flinched. Had anyone been listening? But I had been whispering for a long time, nobody but Sam could have heard. I noticed that the shadows of the tumbled walls had gotten longer, and with every breath I took reality seemed to return to me. The coldness on my skin disappeared. I sighed and looked back at Sam.

'What happened then?,' she asked. Her voice sounded cracked.

'That's it,' I said and shrugged. 'I returned to my studies, Jeff quit his job and became a private investigator. Quite funny that, when I met him he hated being called one.'

'And Lucy?'

'We never saw or heard from her ever again,' I said. 'But what did you expect? Lucifer isn't exactly the kind of person anyone would want as a friend or coworker. At least that's how she would see it.'

Sam nodded, but her face was still serious.

'I see,' she said. 'And after what you've been through, I understand your reaction. But still, it was just an invitation to dinner.'

I buried my head in my hands. 'Yes, but from him.' I looked back up with fresh tears in my eyes. This was starting to get on my nerves. I hadn't cried this much since my nonna died. 'Why did it have to be him?'

'You can't blame Daniel for this, that's not fair,' Sam returned.

'You're right, and I don't.' I wiped over my eyes with the back of my hand.

'Good.' She got back to her feet and looked up at the sky. 'We should pack up, it will be time to leave soon. The colonel wanted to break camp after dusk, the jaffa will have greater trouble stopping us in the dark.'

I nodded and got too my feet. I couldn't feel my legs and had to lean against a wall to stay upright. This wasn't how I had imagined my day to go at all. But it also felt good to tell someone. At least now I had someone here who understood.


	4. Head of the Snake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After opening up to Sam, Pan is even more conflicted about her place in this world. When SG1 leaves the ruins shortly after, they are ambushed by jaffa, who take Pan prisoner. Taken to a place where up and down seem to be optional directions, she is tortured and interrogated by a well-dressed Goa'uld before becoming a host herself. Unable to access the Ancient memories inside her mind, the Goa'uld in Pan's body decides to find some leverage.

Head of the Snake

Winding my way between people, I made it back to my tent in the camp, or rather to where my tent had been. Someone had already packed it up, together with my other things and there was no point in going through every single pack I could see lying around in the camp until I found my clothes. So I tried not to stand in anyone's way, rubbing my arms in the cool breeze and wishing for some sleeves. Someone cleared their throat behind my shoulder and I jumped.

'Oh, sorry,' I said and looked up. 'I hadn't realised I...' I froze. The person standing behind me was Daniel. I wasn't sure whether to turn and run, give him an apologetic smile or just wait for him to do something, but all of the above seemed like a bad idea. In his eyes I saw the pain again, a similar pain I had noticed in his office, and I hated myself.

'Look,' I said before he could get a word out and tried to stop my jaw from chattering. The sudden hotness had been replaced with liquid ice pouring through me and making me shiver in the breeze. 'I'm sorry about what I said. I didn't mean to... I mean, I know that... I'm sorry,' I finished lamely and looked at my feet. What was I supposed to say? I had known about him, about his grief, and I still had been selfish enough to get angry. Part of me was convinced that putting distance between us was the right thing to do, but it had always been easier for me to hurt myself rather than others. And this seemed to hurt him more than it hurt me, even if I found it hard to believe, so somehow I needed to stop this before it was too late.

'Are you cold?,' he responded to my stammering after a short pause.

I shook my head without looking up, still rubbing my arms. Out of the corners of my eyes I watched him take his jacket off with a sigh and offer it to me.

'Come on, I can see you're shaking.'

I didn't move, not sure whether to take it or walk away. It was true, I was shivering in the long shadows of the broken walls, but there was a principle at stake here. I had told him to keep his distance, although not in so many words, so if I took the jacket now, I was the one crossing the line, not him.

'Just take it,' he said in a quiet voice. 'It's alright. I'm not mad.'

Every single finger on my hand trembled when I reached for the jacket and pulled it over my shoulders.

'Thank you,' I whispered and pushed my arms through the sleeves, only to fold them across my chest again. 'I'll need to find mine when we get back.'

'No rush,' he said and I heard in his voice that he was smiling. I still couldn't find the courage to look into his face. 'You keep it as long as you need it.'

We stood in silence for a while, watching the bustle around us. The sun was sinking faster and faster, the light had turned orange and the shadows lengthened rapidly. Soon it would be dusk and we would be invisible in the dark.

'Once you two love birds are finished over there,' I heard someone smirk from the shadows, 'maybe you could find the time to help.'

My head whipped around to see who had said that, while I could feel my face start glowing red hot. Out of the shadows stepped Colonel O'Neill, and there was a slight smile around the corners of his mouth.

'It's time to go, campers,' he added, turned around and walked away between the fallen walls. Without another word I turned to follow him, but stopped half-way and turned back. For the first time since we started talking I looked into Daniel's face. Since I had told Sam my story, I saw less of a resemblance between Daniel and  _him_. But it was still there, in my mind, and his blue eyes made it hard for me to think straight, especially after reliving the events from five years ago.

'I'm really sorry,' I wanted to say. 'I don't want to hurt anyone. But that's why I need to do this. I hope you can forgive me, if not now, maybe someday in the future.' But I couldn't bring myself to articulate any of this, and suddenly I realised that I was angry. Angry with this place, angry with whoever brought me here and put me into this situation, angry with Daniel for making it so much harder than it needed to be, but most of all with myself, for being so weak, so apologetic, and not having the courage and hardness of heart to actually get myself out of all of this.

'Figlio di puttana!,' I said to the universe at large, not quite under my breath. And only after I realised that I had spoken these words with an angry face in the general direction of the only person here who could understand them. After darting a glance at Daniel's face and seeing that he had indeed taken that last part personally, I quickly turned back around and walked away as fast as my long skirt would allow.

Behind a few corners someone got hold of my arm. I spun around and saw Sam's face.

'There you are,' she said. 'I wasn't sure where you got to. Jack said he saw you talking with Daniel, so I didn't want to...' She looked into my face and stopped. 'It didn't go well then,' she remarked. I sighed. By now I probably had  **GUILTY**  written across my forehead in illuminated letters.

'I'm really good at making things worse,' I mumbled. 'Maybe I should just stop talking to people in general.'

'Maybe you should try a simple apology,' said Sam and her face became hard again. 'Three words shouldn't be too hard even for you.'

'I tried,' I whispered. 'But I couldn't get a word out. Not the way he was looking at me.'

'And then what happened?'

People were streaming around us, packing things, carrying packs. My eyes scanned them, daring anyone to try and listen to our conversation. But nobody seemed to notice.

'I got angry. Mainly with myself, but you can't tell that very well.'

'You shouted at him?'

'No, of course not,' I almost growled. 'I swore aloud. In Italian. Unfortunately in his direction.'

After a moment of breathless silence, Sam gave a short laugh, looked down and shook her head.

'Man, you like to complicate things, don't you.'

'I don't,' I returned and picked up a random backpack. Someone would have to carry it after all. 'Things just get complicated by themselves, and then I'm there to make them even worse.'

With the pack on my back I made my way to the gate in the barrier. Colonel O'Neill was already there, giving instructions to a few airmen who then swarmed out to coordinate the others. When he saw me approach he gave me a nod and then jerked his head toward the doorway.

'So we don't get zapped or anything when we try to get out of here, right?'

'No, nobody gets zapped,' I replied with a sigh. 'But we won't be able to get back in either. I had to destroy the opening mechanism when we came back to try and keep the jaffa out.'

The tone of my voice made him raise his eyebrows.

'You alright?,' he asked and waived a few airmen away who had returned from their assignments and wanted to get some new ones. 'You seem different from this morning.'

I grimaced and gave a shrug. Too many things had happened, none of which were any of his business. 'I think I'm just exhausted from those devices,' I said. It wasn't a lie. But it wasn't the whole truth either. 'I won't hold anyone up,' I reassured him when he raised his eyebrows again. 'I just don't quite feel myself, that's all.'

He studied me for a few moments before he finally shrugged and turned away.

'Right,' he bellowed. 'Everyone get in line. We have one chance to shake them and make it back home, so let's make this one count.'

I found myself pretty much in the centre of the line, together with Daniel and some of the younger airmen. The plan seemed simple, first the most experienced went out to draw anyone who was there out into the open. Then the most defenseless would follow and try to make it to the gate, and then some more experienced men brought up the rear to ensure everyone made it there safely. I tried not to look at the others, especially Daniel, and shifted from one foot to the other, eager to get out of here.

'Let's move it,' I heard the colonel shout from the front and the first group went through the gate and immediately took cover. But nothing happened. The forest remained as quiet as a grave, and in the greyness between the trees nothing moved. After a few breathless moments, I saw the colonel waive his hand for us to follow and as quietly as possible, with so many army boots on loose leaves and dry branches, the rest of us came through the doorway.

I couldn't help but look back for just a moment. The ruins glowed red in the light of the gas giant, and I suddenly felt sad, as if some part of me was losing home forever. Then we stepped through the doorway and the ruins disappeared. Now there was just dark forest around us and no sound except for our own heavy breathing, the careful steps of the soldiers and every now and again a metallic clink when their weapons connected with a buckle on their uniform or their pack. I tried to hold my breath as we walked between the trees, and I couldn't quite understand why. Everything was peaceful, but somewhere at the back of my mind there were alarms ringing. Something was wrong. Something was ... missing.

We only managed to take a few more steps down the pathway, then all hell broke loose. Streaks of fiery light shot past my face and I heard shots fired from guns and MGs all around me. A young airman right next to me got hit in the chest by one of the fire balls, and it left a burning hole. He went down without a sound and lay still with his eyes still open. My breath was suddenly very loud in my ears, and so was my heart beat. It was like LA all over again. Everything around me seemed to slow down, the shouts, the shots and the blasts shooting past us. Someone grabbed my arm and I wrestled, trying to break free until I looked up and into Daniel's face.

'Get out of here now,' he shouted over the thundering guns. 'Run!'

I nodded, my eyes wide, and he let go, turned away and started firing his gun again. For a few steps I walked backwards, not taking my eyes off him. After four more shots he dropped the magazine, took a new one from his belt without looking down and started firing again. His eyes moved my way, and now there was almost something like anger in his face when he saw I was still there.

'Go!'

I turned and ran, weaving through the fighting soldiers. Some of the jaffa had come in close, and I tried my best to avoid them. My backpack got caught and I slipped out of the straps without giving it another thought. I got pulled back by my skirt when someone grabbed it, but I turned and kicked blindly into the gloom, felt my foot connect and heard someone grunt. A sharp pain exploded in my ankle and I gave a short scream, but my skirt came free and I limped onwards as fast as I could, away from the fight and into the dark woods. I tried to listen for any steps following me, but over the shouts and gun shots I couldn't hear much else. There were a few bullets whistling through the air and I bent over, only now realising how stupid it was to run away from a gun fight like this. In the end it might be my own side who shot me.

The further I got, the more certain I was that there were heavy steps following me through the woods. I didn't have my shoes on and I stepped on a few branches, wincing every time I had to put weight on my injured foot. In the dark I tried to outrun my pursuers, while circling back around to the gate and meet the others there, if any of them would make it.

Steps were right behind me, and I could feel someone's breath down my neck. I ducked down and sidestepped to the right. The heavy hand missed my neck and instead closed around the sleeve of the jacket. Without giving it another thought I twisted out of it and continued through the dark woods, leaving my pursuer behind with an empty piece of clothing. But I knew they wouldn't give up this easily. I heard them get closer again, and only now did I figure out the main problem: I was in a white dress in a dark forest. I would always stand out like a ghost among the trees, no matter how far I managed to run. In the dusky grey I looked like a will o'wisp leading travellers astray.

However, I felt an electric tingling on my skin and I gave the night a grim smile. Suddenly my hopes returned. I stopped my shuffling run and faced my pursuers for the first time. They stopped as well, pointing their staff weapons at me, but not advancing any further. One of them disengaged and put his weapon back up. The front folded up with a clicking noise and he approached me. He was the first to get struck by the lightning. Whirring and sparking the guardians came out from between the tree tops and unleashed their blue defense mechanisms. The other jaffa turned around to face the spheres and fired their weapons at them, but they didn't have a chance. One by one they went down, twitching, struck by the blue sparks.

I turned again and moved as fast as I could through the trees. The fight was far behind and I could hardly hear the noise over my own breathing. The spheres followed me in some distance, still sparking and purring away. Then sudden brightness filled the forest. A giant fireball, much larger than the ones produced by the staff weapons, collided with one of the spheres and caused a brief explosion. It went down, a crater in its metal skin and little blue sparks came out of the hole. The other spheres turned and headed off in the direction of the blast.

'No, wait!,' I shouted after them. 'Come back! It's not safe!'

But they kept going. I saw another blast connect with a sphere and it too went to the ground. A third blast missed a sphere by an inch and split a tree behind me, but it sent the sphere spinning. It cannoned into the fourth sphere and they both collided with a tree, fell to the ground and stopped moving. I stood in the dark, stunned at losing my last allies in this battle, but then I turned and ran – straight into the chest of another jaffa warrior. They had me surrounded, their staff weapons aimed at my chest. Some of them were holding smaller guns in their hands, shaped like snakes, and I didn't know what to expect of them, but I did recognise a weapon when I saw one.

I spun round and round, trying to find a way out, but there were no gaps. There was nowhere left to run

'Pan!,' I heard a shout in the distance, but I couldn't tell who it was. One of the jaffa moved, or at least his finger did. The last thing I saw was an explosion of blue and white light in the darkness between the trees. It covered my skin and I screamed as it burned and stung. Then I went to the ground and fell into a dark pit.

When my eyes opened again, I was staring at a high ceiling. The walls stretched away from me and I thought I could see a window or a white light far above. Someone walked past it, not over it or on the inside, but they walked past along one of the walls, and because of the way I was lying, they were upside down as well. My eyes crossed and I shook my head and sat up. I had to blink a few times before I was sure that I could see properly again. When I looked up, the person had gone, but I was sure it was a jaffa, and I was sure that he had seen me looking at him. How could he walk along walls?

I heard voices approach and quickly got to my feet. I was in a very small cell, and there was only a bed and on a wall a strange clock with one hand. It was pointing down. Up above me the voices got louder and when I looked up, I saw several jaffa standing in front of the light, once again on one of the walls. I turned so they were standing the right way up and watched as one of them pushed a button. The room tilted, while staying exactly the same. Very slowly I fell forward, slid over a floor that was starting to become a wall, and I saw the hand of the clock move with the changing gravity. It was now pointing sideways to the wall in front of me, and in exactly that moment I collided with what was now the ground.

I only fell a few feet, not far enough to injure me, but I hadn't expected it, and the collision knocked all air out of me. When the jaffa guards reached me, I was still lying on my face, trying to breathe. They grabbed my unresisting arms, pulled me to my feet and dragged me along what had been a wall and into a corridor. I had tears in my eyes, and my surroundings were blurred, but I felt that we went down a corridor, through a set of doors, down another hall, and by then I had at least managed to get to my feet. The guards wouldn't let me walk by myself or give me back control over my arms. I tried to blink the blurriness out of my eyes, but it took me a few tries before I could see clearly again.

The brightness of the white light had been replaced by horizontal bars of orange light and some similar light sources in the ceiling, but the whole place seemed to be dark and uninviting. I was taken through more triangular doorways and into a great room full of more guards, a raised platform with a chair and a wall that looked like a spider web. They pushed me towards it and as I got closer I could feel the drag of gravity coming from it. I spun around and suddenly found myself completely immobilised when my back hit the surface. I tried to move my arms, struggle against the pull, but I couldn't move a muscle. And so I lay there, on my back against a wall and watched the room.

The guards that had brought me in were already on their way out, and now I saw that there were eight other guards in the room. Two at each doorway and four grouped around the chair in the centre of the room. As soon as the door had shut behind them, the other door opened and a man walked in. I could tell from his manner that he was different from the jaffa. He walked taller, he was dressed in flowing robes and his pale face was outlined by a finely cut beard. Objectively I had to admit that he was quite attractive. But there was something in his eyes and in the smirk around the corners of his mouth that made me loathe him instantly.

He walked through the room without a glance at anyone, especially not the guards, and then he ascended the steps, flourished his blue and gold robes and sat down with a theatrical twirl.

Only then did he lay his eyes on me. I thought for a moment I saw a light move across his eyeballs, but it was gone in an instant. He rested his chin in one hand while he lounged in his chair and studied me with a cruel smile. I realised that the skirts of my dress had slipped up and exposed my right leg almost all the way to the hip. His eyes took that in and moved further up my body, slowly, as if taking measure. When he got to my face his smile had widened somewhat, and I felt like he had undressed me with just a look. Shame made my cheeks burn, but I didn't avoid his gaze. One thing I had decided for myself was that I would never run away from my fears, I would always face them and stare them down. And that was what he was at this moment, one of my greatest fears. Or rather it was this entire situation, being powerless and at the mercy of someone like him. Whoever and whatever he was.

'Where are my manners,' he finally said and rose from his seat. His voice didn't sound unpleasant, but its tone made me feel even more uneasy. 'After all you are our guest. I suppose I should offer you any comfort available.' He half turned his back and approached a table next to his chair. I couldn't see what was on it, but I had the suspicion that it wasn't anything pleasant. As if he had heard my thoughts he picked up a dagger and played with it while looking back at me. 'But I'm afraid there aren't all that many comforts here for you.'

'Who are you?'

Something about how he froze made me think that asking this question, or speaking at all, was a very stupid thing to do. But this was me, and that's what I did, so I went ahead nevertheless.

'Since you invited me in so graciously, I think it is rather rude not to do introductions before we get down to business,' I continued, staring death in the face.

'But of course,' the man replied, turned back towards me with the dagger still in his hands. Something about his smile made me think of a shark, or a snake. But it was too late to turn back now. 'Please do forgive me. Ba'al, at your service.'

He hinted a bow without taking his eyes off me. I swallowed. I had heard the name before. And it took me a few moments to draw the connections. Mesopotamian mythology. The adversary of SG1. What had they called him again? A Goa'uld.

'And you must be Pandora, legacy of the Ancients, and bearer of their secrets,' he continued and sat down in his chair again, watching me without blinking.

'I'm not too sure about that,' I said and tried again to move my arms, but the gravitational pull was too strong for me. For the first time in my life I wished I had done more workouts. 'I mean, you got the name right, but I don't know any Ancients. Until a few weeks ago I didn't even know they existed.'

'You can not fool me,' Ba'al said with the same smile. 'I know about your visions, the headaches, the voices in your head.'

I glared at him. How did he know all these things? He seemed to know even more than I did, or perhaps he had heard certain things like about the headaches, and had made some assumptions based on knowledge that I didn't have. Maybe he really did know more than me. But then I didn't need to tell him any more.

'And you are going to share all those little thoughts with me,' he declared, got up once more and came closer to me. It felt strange looking up at him coming closer, while lying on my back and watching a room where gravity worked in a different direction. It made my eyes water, but I didn't even have enough strength to wipe my eyes and stop the room from swirling around me.

'You are right to be afraid,' Ba'al said, mistaking my watering eyes for genuine tears. 'Whether you share your knowledge willingly or not, you will suffer greatly until I am done with you.'

'There is no knowledge to share,' I said. 'If you heard anything at all, you should know that.'

'Oh, but it is there,' he said, twirling the dagger again. 'You just need to try and remember.'

'The last time I did that, I fainted from the pain and was almost killed from my heightened brain activity,' I returned. 'If you really think you would get anything useful from me, you will be bitterly disappointed.'

'You will obey!,' Ba'al shouted, and his voice changed. Before it had been human, almost pleasant, but now there was a dark undertone, as if the beast inside him was speaking through him. SG1 had explained to me what a Goa'uld was, and I knew that the beast had been speaking this entire time, but now was the first time I could actually tell the difference between a normal human and whatever this man had become.

I pressed my lips together and shook my head. Whatever he wanted from me, he would have to take it by force. And nothing he could do to me would be as painful as trying to access those buried memories in my brain. He stopped twirling the dagger, came a few steps closer and held it only by the very end of the hilt. When he extended his arm, the tip of the blade rose until it pointed straight at me, at my left arm. I knew enough about physics to know that the increased gravitation that was holding me down would also accelerate the dagger. What he was about to do would be extremely painful, but there were two things that made me feel that I would be strong enough. For one it was the same arm that had been shot back on my first day. And secondly it wouldn't even be close to what Daniel's drawing had done to my head.

I looked into Ba'al's eyes and gave him a cold smile.

'Never.'

The dagger shot towards me and I felt its cold steel go right through my arm like a spear made of ice. I knew the pain would come, and when it did I screamed and screamed. My arm was on fire, my blood was boiling and the raging flames flowed through my arm, all the way up into my shoulder, my neck and my chest. By the time I could see again, Ba'al had returned to his table and picked up another dagger. I was trying hard to control my breathing, but all I could do was sob through my gritted teeth. The pain was bad, but not as bad as what he wanted me to do.

'I don't want to do this, you know,' he told me in a level voice.

Monster, I thought to myself.

'There are far nicer things I could think of doing with you,' he continued and faced me with the second dagger. It too rose from his hand until the tip pointed at my right arm. 'But I need you to cooperate. Unless you tell me exactly what you know and remember, there is nothing else I can do.'

'You don't understand,' I managed between gulping breaths. 'I can't. There is no way. It hurts too much.'

'So does this,' he said with his serpentine smile and let go. The second dagger pierced my right arm and I could hear the bone splinter and the blade hit the metal wall behind me. My scream this time was longer but less loud. The pain from the first wound was still there, and somehow that had made the second hit far more bearable. And this was still better than the headaches.

'Never as much,' I told him and blinked the tears out of my eyes. 'You can kill me with a hundred daggers, and I would rather feel the blades in my body than what those so-called memories do with my head. It's far more bearable.'

Ba'al raised an eyebrow. He went to pick up another dagger. But I meant what I had said. My body was on fire, I could feel the cold steel in my flesh, but I would gladly take the next dagger, and another, and another, if I could forego the headaches. My face was stone when the next dagger pointed at me, right at the point between my eyes. I looked right into Ba'al's eyes, and he into mine. Was there something like admiration in his look? He let go of the dagger and I didn't even have time to blink before it bounced off the metal next to my ear and clattered against the metal web. He had missed on purpose to see my reaction. I hadn't flinched. I didn't even have time to breathe.

'I see,' he said and continued to stare at me. We remained immobile for a few moments, waiting for each other to do the next move. My arms trembled with the pain of the blades and my breathing was irregular. But nothing would ever make me change my mind. Suddenly he turned his back on me. He walked off his little dais and as he left the room, he gave the guards a wave with his hand. They approached my wall, one pushed a button and the pull backwards stopped without warning. I fell on my feet and sank to my knees, too weak to support myself and deal with the pain at the same time. The third dagger clattered to the ground next to me. The jaffa dragged me to my feet, grabbing my arms above the daggers and then took me with them through the door Ba'al had used.

Once more I was paraded through corridors with strange light until we reached a room with something resembling a slab in the centre. They maneuvered me onto it and shackled me in place with conveniently placed metal rings. I didn't even try to break free, it was all I could do to stop my teeth from chattering. My entire body trembled with pain and exhaustion, and I dreaded to think what he had planned with me now. It had to be worse. Much worse.

The jaffa took up position around me. From where I was lying I could see four, two on either side of me, but I could hear footsteps in the room, so I was sure there would be more somewhere close by. A face appeared upside down in my field of vision, and it was Ba'al. From this angle, his smile almost seemed sincere. He was holding what looked like a pet snake, except I had never seen a more terrifying long piece of muscle. From what SG1 had told me, I could guess what it was, but I was too weak to move.

'I'm sorry,' Ba'al said and stroked the snake gently. 'But I'm afraid this will be rather painful.'

'Thanks for the warning,' I managed to launch my sarcasm. 'You should have told me that before the daggers.'

His smile widened and he lowered the snake onto the plate next to my head.

'Who said I was talking to you?'

I should have guessed as much, I thought and gritted my teeth. Even through the pain raging in my body I could feel the long body slither closer to my head, over my hair and under my neck. With all the terror, pain and fury raging through my head, I screamed and fought the bonds holding me down. Somewhere at this point I lost consciousness.

When my senses finally returned I was standing in a large but dimly lit room in front of a mirror, examining myself. I tried to blink and look around, but nothing happened. When I tried again without any result, I started to panic. Was I petrified? Turned into a living statue? But then my hand moved and pushed the hair out of my face, which looked cold and slightly annoyed. I saw a white flash move across my eyes and I knew. I was lost.

'Do you like your new body, my dearest?,' I heard Ba'al from behind me. He appeared in the mirror and put his hands on my shoulders.

'You shouldn't have damaged it so much,' I saw my face reply in the mirror. I could see my mouth forming the words, I could feel my lips and my tongue move, but I wasn't the one who had spoken. The voice I heard in my ears wasn't mine, it had a dark and beastly undertone. I was a prisoner in my own body, which was now host to a Goa'uld. I could feel the other mind next to mine, pulling the strings and blocking me out. 'I spent nearly a whole day in the sarcophagus.'

'Forgive me,' Ba'al smiled and moved away again. 'But I needed to know that your help was necessary. After all, even a measly human may have been able to access those memories.'

'You think too highly of them,' my reflection smirked and traced my collar bones with my fingers. 'After all, they are only fit to be slaves. I will get you what you seek.'

'I know you will,' he said, while I watched him pick up several items from a table behind me.

I saw my reflection sigh and turn my head this way and that.

'Good cheekbones,' my mouth said. 'But this hair. It's terrible.'

'I thought you'd rather like it,' Ba'al returned. 'It is your colour.'

'Yes, but far too long. I'll need to cut it.'

'Don't you dare!,' I screamed, but no word came over my lips. The sudden burst of rage made me more aware of my body and mind. One was unresponsive to whatever I tried. But the other was more flexible. I could feel the alien presence, like a light scarf around my neck, a thin cap over my head, but all it could do was lock me out of my body. My mind was still my own. When I had screamed, I felt the presence was satisfied, and I realised that it knew my mind as well, my memories and my feelings. And it more than likely would choose to do things that annoyed me in an effort to break me. It was abuse and rape, that's what it was, but I knew that at this time there was nothing I could do about it except sit back and bide my time. Something about this situation reminded me of the incident with Eve's apple back in Oxford. And if this familiarity wasn't wishful thinking, I could be able to find a way to break the control this creature had over me.

'Why don't you take in the full picture first,' Ba'al suggested. My face made a crooked smile and I saw my eyes flash again. The Goa'uld inside me unfastened the leather band around my waist and undid the clasps on my shoulders. I was unable to look away when the dress slid to the ground and the creature in my head examined my naked body. It undid my hair and the auburn waves flowed over my back and my bare breasts, covering my bottom and almost reaching all the way down to my knee pit. Turning around and around both the Goa'ulds seemed to judge every square inch of skin. I felt my head being pushed back and felt the tips of my hair tickle the top of my calves.

Then my head snapped up again and I saw my annoyed face in the mirror.

'No, the hair has to go,' my mouth declared.

'As you wish, Astarte,' Ba'al purred and handed my body an ornate dagger. I saw the cruel joy in my own eyes as my hand raised the dagger, taking a handful of hair and cutting it in a single movement. Astarte, as Ba'al had called the unwelcome guest in my body, then continued to cut all my hair to just below the shoulder blades. I watched as half the length of my hair fell to the ground, discarded like old clothes. I was angry. I tried to control my emotions, not quite for the first time in my life, but it was hard. No, it was impossible. One of the traits I had from my nonna, I had my heart on my tongue, especially when I was angry. I burst out, insulted the Goa'uld in every language I knew, including the bits of French and German I had picked up. I cursed and swore until I ran out of words. All the Goa'uld did was smile wider and look into my eyes in the mirror as she cut the next strand of hair. Nothing else happened. It seemed for the moment all I could do was sit back and watch, while silently fuming. I took a deep breath, though not with my body, so I wasn't sure what with. It did the trick. My mind cleared and I had time to think. That I was powerless wasn't the entire truth. All Astarte had taken over was my body, so for the first time in a while I finally had time to explore my mind.

I could feel the Goa'uld like an oily film clinging to the outside of my mind, only a few tendrils reached inside, just enough to take over. But I could also feel a part of my mind still dark and untouched by either of us. So far a barrier of pain had stopped me from venturing into there, but now the pain wouldn't be mine any longer. And I was quite curious to see how good the Goa'uld would be at dealing with the headaches. I hadn't paid attention to my surroundings for a while, but now my mind snapped back when I could feel hands on my body. Hands in very intimate places. I tried to make sense of the blurred vision through my half-closed eyes. Someone was kissing me passionately, and my body was returning the affection. My hands were undoing fasteners on someone else's clothes and I could feel a man's hands all over me.

By the time I had put two and two together, I was utterly disgusted and regretted not having a body to throw up with. How dare they! With my body! And me still here having to watch it! In my mind I tried to shut out my body. Whatever they were doing to me, I would have to wait and deal with it later. As terrifying as it was, it was out of my control for now, and somehow that thought helped me to calm down and shut out the rape that was happening to me. If Astarte wanted to hurt me - if she was even aware that I was still here and if her actual intent was directed at my discomfort and not her own pleasure - then I would be quite prepared and happy to hurt her back.

Had I had my face, I would have given a grim smile as I headed for the darkness in my own mind.

I blinked in the sudden brightness. I shielded my eyes with one hand and looked around. It was the temple ruins again. And once more the sky was white. The brightness didn't come from the sun, but from the absence of anything except the ruined walls and the grass under my feet. I was wearing the white dress again, as if nothing had happened. Around me the air was so still, my own breathing sounded unnaturally loud in my ears. When I took a step forward, the blades of glass crunched as if I had stepped on a packet of crisps. For a moment I thought someone had called my name, but the endless brightness around me didn't betray the direction, and because there was no echo I wasn't sure if anyone had called at all.

Because I had nothing better to do, I started pacing the ruins. The crumbled walls and toppled pillars appeared out of the whiteness, as if they had only just been created as I approached them. When I looked back, the way behind me had once more disappeared into the light. I wandered on until I found myself in front of the hidden door, the carving that had caused my headaches. Someone stood there waiting for me. She smiled when I approached, and I recognised the woman from my dreams. It was the same dress, the same hair, and again as if she had borrowed my face and made it ageless, she looked at me with my own eyes. But unlike the Goa'uld, I knew that it wasn't my actual face, just a very close resemblance.

'Who are you?,' I started, eager not to lose any time. 'Last time you couldn't tell me.'

'Indeed,' she said with a bright smile and beckoned me closer. I stepped in front of the carving, now face to face with the mysterious woman. 'But for now it seems you have some time to stay.'

I looked down at my feet, unsure what to say. Technically that was true. But for rather uncomfortable reasons.

'Fear not, child,' the woman said, placed a hand under my chin and pushed my face back up. 'All will be well.'

'There are so many questions,' I said. 'And so many problems I got into. I'm possessed by a Goa'uld!'

'That is unfortunate,' the woman said and her face became worried for the fraction of a moment. But then her smile returned. 'But don't be afraid. It will not be forever.'

'No, only until I die or the Goa'uld doesn't need me anymore,' I sighed and pushed her hand away. The only people allowed to touch my face were my nonna and my mum. 'But that's for later. Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my head?' I paused. 'That's where we are, right?'

'Of course,' she smiled again. 'Forgive me. I did not mean to be rude. I am Circe, or at least that is one of the many names given to me.'

'Circe?' I was wrecking my brain. I had heard that name before. Of course! 'You mean you are Circe who trapped Odysseus and his men on her island and turned them into pigs?'

'Well, that is one version,' she laughed. 'But those are fairy stories created by humans to try and make sense of events beyond their understanding. Back then they thought I was a sorceress or a goddess. Your friends would call me an Ancient.'

I stood perfectly still while I was trying to process these information. The person in front of me claimed to be one of the main characters of Greek mythology and also an alien. And I was supposed to believe that?

'So you're telling me you turned Odysseus' men into pigs and people thought you were a sorceress, but you were actually a highly advanced alien?'

'That is a fairly close summary,' she said with a nod. 'Apart from the pigs.'

'Then what about Odysseus? Was he real, too? And why would you try and stop him from achieving his goals? Do you always interfere with humans?'

'Those are many questions, child,' she laughed again. 'And I am unsure if my answers would satisfy your curiosity. But let me tell you this much: Ulysses, or Odysseus as you call him, was not a human. In fact he was an Ancient like me. But unlike the rest of us he chose not to ascend but to aid and support humanity in their growth. In this he went too far.'

'The battle of Troy?'

Circe gave a grave nod. 'Indeed. He interfered with a matter that didn't concern him, and through his skill and knowledge turned the fate of humanity onto a different path. For that we decided to punish him, and I was sent to slow his journey home and if possible force his return to us.'

'But in my dream you said I should remember him. Why was that?,' I interrupted. It was something that had been bothering me, and somewhere not too far away I could feel the Goa'uld trying to probe my mind, trying to locate me behind the wall of pain. I was running out of time.

'It is a rather lengthy explanation,' the woman began. 'There is a reason for everything, why we brought you to this place and why Ulysses' journey will have a strong impact on your own.'

She seemed to think about her own words for a while, then she waved a hand and I could feel the nagging feeling of the Goa'uld at the back of my mind vanish.

'What did you do?,' I whispered.

'I locked your unwelcome visitor out until our conversation is finished,' she smiled. 'Or rather, that is the easiest way of explaining it.'

I narrowed my eyes. Somehow I had the feeling that that wasn't the entire truth. But I didn't think I needed to know apart from satisfying my own curiosity, so I shrugged.

'Alright then,' I said. 'Start from the beginning.'

After only a few minutes of the woman's speech my head was spinning. I knew from the colonel that certain people had Ancient DNA mixed into their own, which enabled them to use Ancient technology. But Circe said that my case went beyond that. The jewellery and the dagger we had found in the temple ruins had been worn by the priestess of the temple, herself and her female ancestors. The items were linked to a very specific DNA sequence, not just Ancient in general, but more precisely a single bloodline.

'Your father and mother both come from that bloodline, thousands of years back, and we needed their daughter to complete the mission.'

I nodded slowly and massaged my forehead with one hand. For people who punished interfering members of their species, this seemed a very bold move.

'You are probably wondering why we would help a group of people like those explorers by moving a single person across from a parallel universe and not help others in the same manner,' she read my expression and smiled. That knowing omniscient smile started to get on my nerves.

'Well, yes,' I replied. 'But the answer is simple. You wouldn't do it unless it was in your own interest. There is something you want or need out of this, something only I can do and only with the help of SG1. Or am I wrong?'

Circe's smile widened, but she didn't answer.

'Which means you are the only ones who can send me home,' I continued. 'And that you will only do so after I have finished whatever it is you want from me here.'

'You are correct, child,' Circe said, and suddenly her smile was gone. 'But I will not lie to you. The path ahead of you is dangerous, and even though we will do as much as we can, we can not promise that you will survive.'

I thought about this for a while. 'Do I have a choice?,' I asked after a while with a grim smile. 'I mean, you already brought me here against my will, so I don't think you take it into consideration where I actually want to be.'

'Once your mission is complete, we can send you home, or wherever else you would like to go,' Circe replied.

'How about the USS Enterprise D, so I can talk to 'Mon Capitain',' I laughed and got a puzzled face in return. 'Nevermind,' I said, before the Ancient would ask for an explanation. 'You say it is dangerous and I could die. You have invaded my brain, so I think you have seen my memories, my past. Every day when I get out the door I could die. It may not be scary and stressful compared to my battle against the angels or whatever is expecting me now, but it is true. A lot of the things that happened to me since I got here were unpleasant, to say the least. I mean, I got shot and now I have a snake in my brain, but death is the one thing I am certain about. I will die someday. That fact doesn't scare me.'

'Then what does?,' asked Circe. I started to understand. Herself being an immortal being, she clearly feared death above everything else.

Most people thought of themselves as immortal, and that made them scared of death and they tried to find ways to prolong their life in any possible way. There were things that I feared, but I had long ago accepted my own mortality and moved on. Being faced with death as often as I had, had helped me accept that fact. But there was a different fear. A fear of losing control, like I had in the botanical garden, back when Lucy had played with me like a doll, and all I could do was watch. This had happened again today, and I was fuming just thinking about it. But while it had frightened the living daylights out of me last time and left me shaking for weeks, the second time round I seemed to be able to cope with it much better, thinking of a solution instead of being paralysed, mentally and physically. Besides, I thought and shifted my weight and heard the grass crackle loudly under my feet, right now there was a place where I was myself, just as I had been.

'Pandora?,' Circe asked again, and I remembered her question.

'Seeing those I care about getting hurt,' I replied. It was an easy one. Surprisingly this hadn't happened yet, but I had the feeling that where I was, it was about to. 'And you don't need to say it,' I continued. 'I know that that will happen on this path as well. But since you asked, yes, that is my greatest fear. Watching others suffer because of me or my actions.'

We stood in silence for a while, in the eerie light between the ruin walls.

'So,' I said after a while. 'What is it I need to do? Where do you want me to go?'

I reemerged into consciousness like a diver coming up from the deep. I could feel the release of a pressure I hadn't been aware of and suddenly there was all this noise around me. After the silence of the ruins inside my mind, the voices and humming of machinery in the background droned around my head and it took me a few moments before I heard the words that were spoken and they stopped being mere noise.

The first thing I heard was my own shrill voice shouting in a language I had never heard before. The first thing I felt was my arms throwing a chair into a wall. Those were clear signs that someone was having a tantrum, and somehow I was glad that I wasn't personally involved in this childish behaviour. The chair hit the wall and a leg broke off. My eyes rested on the splinter for a few moments before my head whipped around and looked for something else to break.

'Astarte,' I heard a voice behind me and recognised it as Ba'al's. 'I understand your anger, but please don't take it out on my ship.'

'This is all your fault,' the Goa'uld snarled with my voice. 'You put me here, in this body.'

'Yes, and for a very good reason,' Ba'al continued from outside my field of vision. 'We need her and her memories. Are you sure you can't get to them?'

I could feel the Goa'uld shift in my mind, try and reach the dark part, try to break through the pain. I knew what Astarte was feeling in this moment, and I was surprised to notice that I didn't. Not the slightest bit of the pulsing headache came through to me. Had I had my facial expressions to myself, I would have smiled. And for just a moment as I thought that, I thought I could feel my mouth twitch.

Astarte howled in pain and clutched her head - my head - in her hands.

'No!,' she shouted and grabbed something else to throw against a wall. 'It's no use.'

A hand caught her arm and Ba'al wrestled the goblet from her fingers.

'And you are sure that she can access those memories?,' he continued and put the goblet back on a table.

'Yes,' Astarte growled.

'But still you can't see them yourself, even though she seems to have gained some of them back?'

'Why don't you explain it to me,' Astarte hissed. 'Since you seem to know so much about it. Maybe we should trade hosts and you can give it a go.'

Ba'al laughed quietly and walked over to the other side of the room. 'But we both know that people's minds are your specialty. And if she won't give up the knowledge of her own free will, maybe we need to find a way to convince her.'

Suddenly the presence of the Goa'uld in my mind seemed to grow. And I could feel it coming for me. How did you escape something inside your own mind? I panicked. Whatever the snake was planning, it wasn't good, but there was nothing I could do. I felt like my brain was being exposed to a vacuum cleaner, all my thoughts and memories were sucked up and examined by someone who definitely had no business inside my mind. I screamed inside my mind, tried to fight, twist away, flee to the dark part of my memories, but it was too late. I could hear my own voice in my ears. Over and over.

'Seeing those I care about getting hurt.'

Yes, I had said that to Circe. And if Astarte could find that memory, what else could she - and by now I was fairly certain she was a she - find in my head. As she dug deeper, I could feel her presence change. She seemed to slow down, be more careful, while her face screwed up in pain. So even though I had made those memories mine, it was still painful for her to read them. Too painful? Gasping for air she retreated from my mind, resumed just being a layer over the top of it, in control but mostly oblivious to what was going on below. And even though I felt that I had won a battle, I knew I had taken heavy losses.

'Seeing those I care about getting hurt.'

What would she do with those words, spoken by me only moments ago? And as I wondered, I could feel her mouth curl into a cruel smile. She picked up a dagger from one of the tables and played with it between her fingers. The inlaid gems shone and the blade looked as if I was holding a shard of whatever it was that produced the orange light in the room. Without another word she walked over to the standing mirror in a corner and held up the knife to my face. Only now did I notice that I was no longer naked. Astarte had dressed herself after her intimate moment with Ba'al, although with the amount of skin I could see, I wasn't entirely sure those items should be called clothing. There were bracelets on my wrists and upper arms, a metal necklace seemed to hold up some kind of metal bikini top, a piece of white cloth was draped across my hips and completely failed to cover both my upper body and my legs, and there was something like a crown resting across my forehead. The tip of the dagger touched the metal and dragged me back into reality, to the knife pointed at my face. I held my breath, but after only a moment she lowered the knife again and gave my reflection a knowing smile.

'Why would I cut my own body,' she said, possibly to herself, but part of me knew that she was addressing those words to me. 'After all, we both know it would hurt me more than you. But I wasn't quite finished with the hair.'

She gathered the strands around my face, held them up speculatively and then cut them just above my upper lip. When she looked at the mirror again and pushed the remaining hair out of my face, the fringe she had created was just too short to stay behind the ears, but she somehow managed to smooth it down on either side. When I looked back at myself in the mirror it looked like I had curtains in front of my face. If I had my own body, I thought, I would probably be annoyed every time the fringe fell over my eyes. Some part of the expression on my face in the mirror told me that that was partly what the Goa'uld had in mind. But if she wanted to play mind games with me, I could do the same thing. So I relaxed and leaned back in an imaginary armchair. After all, it wouldn't be me who would have to push the hair back out of my face, it would be her.

'Once you are done with your adjustments,' Ba'al said from the other end of the room. 'Maybe you can let me know how you want to gain access to those memories.'

'I have a plan,' my mouth replied, but the voice sounded strange again, as if echoing back from a deep hole. 'But I will need some resources.'

'Of course,' Ba'al replied, and I could see his face in the reflection break into a smile.

'I will need some men,' Astarte continued, turned around and sat in a chair. She crossed her legs with a touch too much drama and let her hands caress the carved lion heads on the arm rests. 'And you know my expectations.'

Ba'al bowed, and I thought I could see a hint of sarcasm in his movements. 'And I assume you will use those men to acquire a certain target?'

As he spoke, I suddenly saw a flash of images across my eyes. Faces, memories, but they weren't my own and I was certain they weren't anything to do with the Ancients either. For the first time I realised that while the Goa'uld had been probing my mind, I had just as much access to her memories and thoughts as she had to mine. The stream of images slowed and returned to two faces more specifically. One was a blonde woman with curly hair I had never seen before. But something about her face told me that she was a Goa'uld as well. The other face was a familiar one, a round face with black curls, large eyes. The last time I had seen that face was in a photo frame on Daniel's desk. I knew his wife had been taken as a host by a Goa'uld, but I didn't understand what the other woman had to do with it.

'Quite so,' Astarte replied and smiled again. 'I will need some of your famous information agents. I will need to find the next location of SG1. And I will need to isolate and capture a certain Daniel Jackson.'

My blood froze. Somehow I had known this would happen, but part of me had hoped that the Goa'uld would focus her energy on me and leave anyone else out of this. I wasn't quite sure what made Daniel her preferred target out of SG1. I would have been just as determined to help if it had been any of the others. But the fact that Astarte had thought about two specific Goa'uld hosts, one of which was Daniel's wife, made me think that it wasn't just me but also Daniel she wanted to make suffer. But why? Why would she go to the trouble?

As I felt my thoughts running around in circles, the doors opened and a group of jaffa warriors marched in, carrying something that looked more like a random collection of metal pieces and large pipe than anything I could put a name to. There were six of them, and they stomped to a halt in front of me, fell to one knee and bowed their heads in respect. Their bald heads and silver armour reflected the orange light from the walls. Astarte sat more upright, chin up and eyed them in a dismissive way, but from behind her eyes I could feel her excitement.

'Show me,' she said in a quiet voice. That was all.

The leader of the jaffa got back to his feet, lifted the mess of metal pieces over his head so it rested on his shoulders like a very heavy scarf. There was an imperceptible movement and the metal apparatus snapped and expanded, the sides grew upwards and finally the largest part flipped forward to cover his head. Where the jaffa had stood now was a creature that looked like a metal robot with a lion's head.. I hadn't known that the jaffa's full armour could be so beautiful and yet so fearsome to look at. The lion's eyes glowed red, its mouth was drawn into a snarl and its ornate metal mane glowed in the orange light as if it was covered in blood.

Astarte grinned, then chuckled, and then burst into laughter. I stared out of my own eyes at the small army she would send to take my friends and force me to give up my mind for good. There had to be something I could do, something to break her control and get my body back. I was running out of time. In my mind I turned and ran, straight back into the blackness that would lead me back to the temple ruins. Circe had said there was a way. She had to tell me now. This would be my only chance.

I returned to find myself standing in a dim room of whatever this place was. By the orange light and triangular architecture I knew that it was still the same building, or structure, or ship, or whatever. I was standing in a circle on the floor and the lion-headed jaffa around me. In front of me and outside the circle stood Ba'al. He still wore his slight smile and I felt by the tension of my face that I too was smiling.

'I should have expected it,' Ba'al said, 'but these tau'ri are indeed troublesome.'

'How did they know where you were?,' Astarte asked through my mouth. 'Not that it matters, they make my plan so much easier. It would have been quite an effort to get them out of their base. And here they are looking for me.' She laughed.

'Beware, they are not as stupid and harmless as you think,' Ba'al said, his face suddenly serious. 'They have defeated quite a number of the system lords already. Don't underestimate their determination.'

'Determined to do what?,' Astarte smirked. 'Their friend they came to rescue is already gone.'

'Am I really?,' I responded, hoping that at least she would be able to hear me. 'Then why are you going through all this trouble, if I'm already gone?'

The Goa'uld ignored my remark, if she heard it at all, but I thought I could sense her annoyance. She wanted my memories and the Ancient knowledge sealed inside my brain, and the fact that she couldn't just have them seemed to unsettle her. She raised one of my hands and touched a metal wristband that half covered my hand. The rings, which I had thought to be just a design on the floor, came to life and quite a number of them rose out of the floor and surrounded me and the jaffa. There was a sudden bright light and the whole group was standing on a forest clearing in a valley with steep slopes on two sides. Astarte strode forward and approached a tent, which I assumed a scouting party must have put up for her. Inside the tent were many furs and expensive furniture, a central seat which looked more like a throne and I could see standing mirrors in at least two places. The Goa'uld headed straight for the seat and lounged on it, legs crossed, one elbow resting on an arm rest and her chin in her hand. Two of the jaffa took position behind me and Astarte's glance moved to one of the mirrors, which had been perfectly placed so she could see herself wherever in the tent she was.

In addition to the revealing clothes, I could see she had applied make-up. My face looked golden rather than the usual olive complexion, there were heavy black lines around my eyes that made me look like an Egyptian painting. Whatever Astarte thought of as beautiful, our tastes clearly lay a few worlds and millennia apart. Outside I heard the remaining 4 jaffa stomp off to wherever Astarte had sent them, and then it was just quiet in the tent. After a while, Astarte waived a hand and out of the shadows appeared a young woman, her head bowed and handed her a goblet. She never raised her face or even her eyes, so all I could say for certain was that she was female, but the rest of her disappeared back into the shadows until her mistress required her services again.

We waited for what felt like half an eternity, sitting in my own mind and waiting for the ineffable that I had to somehow stop, while stuck in a body I had no control over. If I had my legs, I would have paced up and down. But like this I was forced to sit still and watch and feel Astarte drink something truly revolting. Whatever it was, my tastebuds were screaming in disgust, but she didn't seem to care. Every now and again she would look at herself in the mirror and adjust a crease of her skirt or a strand of hair she felt was out of place. I wasn't surprised at the narcissist tendencies of my parasite, what did surprise me was the extent of it. The trouble she went to, bringing a bunch of mirrors to a tent in the middle of nowhere where she planned to kidnap and torture one of my friends. But still she seemed to need the mirrors even for that.

After a little while longer I heard footsteps approach, something drag along the ground and muffled voices. Astarte held out the goblet to the shadows and a pair of hands took it carefully and disappeared. Then she rested her head in her hand again, still her legs crossed and the eyes fixed on the entrance of the tent. The flap was pushed back and three jaffa entered, one led the way and two of them carried a person between them who had been bound with rope and a dark sack over his head. I didn't even have to guess who was under the sack, I could see JACKSON written on the jacket from here. They made him kneel on the floor and held him there. Astarte gave a nod to the leading jaffa and he pulled the cover off Daniel's head.

His glasses fell to the ground and I saw that they had gagged him with a strip of cloth. He looked around the tent wild eyed, narrowing them to see his surroundings better, until he looked straight at me. I could see realisation dawn on him as he tried to make out my face without his glasses. Astarte unfolded her legs, rose from the chair and crouched in front of Daniel so that our faces were only centimetres apart.

'Can you see me now?,' she said in my voice and I could feel my mouth twist into a cruel smile.

Daniel just stared and said nothing. There was the pain in his eyes again, I was sure of it. Astarte laughed and gently removed the gag from Daniel's mouth.

'How is it,' she said in a low voice, 'that always the women you care about most end up as Goa'uld hosts? Have you ever thought that it might be something to do with you?'

'What are you doing?,' I shouted at her. 'Stop it!'

'I am sure Amunet and Osiris would agree with me,' Astarte laughed. 'After all, you are the reason they both received exceptionally pretty hosts. And now me, so that makes three.'

I could see the two women in Astarte's memories again. One was Daniel's dead wife, and that meant the other one had to be someone he was close to as well. I could feel my rage building. Of course I knew the cruel nature of the Goa'uld, but this was going too far. She wanted to hurt me, not him. And yet this caused me more pain than I wanted to admit.

'Maybe it is your own cursed existence, your interest in things that don't concern you, that caused your life to fall apart,' Astarte continued. Daniel looked straight into her - my - eyes and gave a weak smile.

'Don't worry, Pan,' he said. 'We will get you out of there, I promise.'

'Worry about yourself, stupid,' I answered, unheard, but his concern touched me. Even in this situation he thought that I was in greater danger than him.

Astarte slapped him across the face and his head was flung to the side.

'How dare you speak to her in my presence,' she screamed, and her voice changed. The dark undertone of the Goa'uld came back out, and that made it easier for me. Now I could be sure that Daniel wouldn't think that I was the one talking.

Astarte got back to her feet and walked over to one of the tables in the tent. I saw what looked to me like a random collection of metal and strangely organic looking gems. She picked up one of the gems and the connected metal chains and rings. After slipping her hand into it I realised it was more like a glove. The gem lay across the inside of my hand, a wristband of metal held it in place and the chains connected to thimble size pieces of metal that Astarte slipped over my fingertips. The result was a fearsome apparatus attached to my hand, and though I knew I inevitably would, I didn't want to find out what it was going to do.

After looking at Daniel from the corners of her eyes, she turned back round to face him, the gloved hand extended an the gem pointing straight at his face.

'You will tell me what I want to know,' she said quietly. Daniel gave her a confused look. 'Otherwise I will burn his brain until there is nothing left.'

'Forget it,' I shouted. 'Even if I knew how, I know he would rather die than me to give up.'

From the bottom of my heart I knew that this was true. But both Astarte and I knew that I would never let that happen, even if it was against his own wishes. She raised her hand and I could feel a strange power surge through the glove, focus in the gem and shoot out, straight at Daniel's face. His face twisted in pain and I saw him bite down hard on his lip, trying not to make a sound. Astarte lowered her hand and I felt the power decrease. Daniel sagged slightly and his breathing was going faster.

'I won't stop until you give me the knowledge Ba'al seeks,' she said quietly.

'Monster!,' I shouted back and she raised my hand and directed the glove at Daniel's face once more. I didn't know what it was doing to him, but I could see the pain, and I knew that I had to do something, anything, to make her stop. Circe had told me that there was a way to silence the Goa'uld permanently, but she warned me that I would need medical facilities to do it, and I would need to be in a safe place. Until then she said I should try and bide my time or find a way to break her control with my own will. Considering the urgency of the situation, her advice had been terribly vague and unhelpful.

In my mind I faced the dark part once more, but before I could even move towards it I could feel something pulling me back, something stopping me from getting closer to it.

'Oh no you won't,' I heard my own voice say through gritted teeth. 'You will tell me here and now!'

Somehow Astarte was stopping me from moving about freely in my mind. That was something that hadn't happened before. I struggled against her hold on me, but I couldn't get any closer to the Ancient memories. She had me completely trapped, body and mind. And somehow the familiarity of the feeling returned, something about it reminded me of the past, and there was something else, a little difference, like a tiny crack in her control that hadn't been there before.

'If you don't,' Astarte continued and I felt the power flowing through the glove increase, 'he will die.'

Daniel cowered in front of me, no strength left but the power of the glove held his head upright. His eyes started to flutter.

'No!,' I shouted and pushed as hard as I could at the little crack. All the rage that had been building up, all the anger at her humiliation and abuse of me and my body, I let it all go and it burned behind my determination like a rocket launcher. Suddenly I felt my body again, not like I was on the other side of a thin wall, and when I wanted to lower my hand, it happened. I could hear my cry still echo in my head and realised, that I had shouted at the top of my voice, while the Goa'uld was raging and thrashing at the back of my mind. Too many things were going on at once and I was trying to stay in control over mind and body while not giving away the change in persona, otherwise the jaffa would be another problem I had to deal with.

'Leave us!,' I said in a hoarse voice without taking my eyes off Daniel, who had slumped and cowered on the floor without moving.

The jaffa in the tent walked out without question. I looked into the shadows of the tent.

'That goes for you, too,' I spoke in the general direction where I suspected the slave girl to be, and she darted out of the tent as well. I took another careful look around to make sure we were alone, then I fell to my knees, the weight of my own body far too much after so long trapped inside my head. With shaking fingers I picked Daniel's glasses off the ground, lifted his chin with my other hand and carefully placed them back on his nose. He blinked at me and watched in silence while I tried to undo the knots in the ropes around his wrists with my trembling hands. I felt Astarte thrash around inside my head and gritted my teeth, trying to block her out for as long as I could.

'Pan?,' Daniel whispered when the knots finally gave way. 'Is that really you?'

'Don't talk,' I pressed through my teeth, biting down on the sarcastic answer I actually wanted to give to such a stupid question. 'We don't have much time. I don't know how long I can keep her out.'

Through pure willpower I pushed myself back to my feet and helped him up as well. Then we headed through the tent to the other end, where I knew nobody would be watching. After some searching I found a loose piece of the canvas and pushed Daniel outside, following right behind. We climbed the steep slope of the valley, always looking behind if the jaffa in front of the tent had spotted our escape, but by some miracle we made it to the top and into the forest without anyone raising the alarm. Once we were out of sight, I had to stop and hold my head while the Goa'uld screamed and thrashed inside it. I had to keep her out for as long as I could. Daniel was still a bit dazed and I couldn't afford to lose control yet.

'Are you alright?,' he asked when I stopped. I shook my head. Another stupid question. Maybe Astarte hurt his head more than I had thought.

'Where are the others?,' was all I could manage. Daniel pointed and I followed his lead. The walk through the forest helped me focus on the Goa'uld. I didn't know how, but I had broken her control for now, and she was fighting with all she had to get it back. Did it have something to do with the Ancient memories in my mind? Or was it that I had been in a similar situation before and my experience helped me break free? Or had she overstretched her abilities, trying to shut me out of my mind as well as my body, and that had made her weak enough for me to break her control? All those possibilities raced through my head and I didn't have the time to decide on one, so I just left it at that.

After a short walk we reached a clump of low bushes and when Daniel called out, the other three members of SG appeared from between them. They saw him and saw me follow, dressed as I was and with the strange glove still on my hand. Colonel O'Neill raised his weapon and pointed it straight at me.

'Get away from her,' he said. 'It's a trap.'

'Hey, don't do that,' Daniel called out and tried to step in front of me. 'She's herself now.'

I pushed him aside and looked straight at the colonel.

'He's wrong,' I said in a hoarse voice. 'Keep that gun on me, I don't know how much longer I have.'

'What happened?,' Sam said. 'Where have you been? Someone said those jaffa had been sent by Ba'al and we thought…'

I held up a hand, too tired to reply.

'You need to tie me up,' I told them. 'And make sure those knots are good and tight. Once I let go, I don't know if I'll be back.'

Without another word Colonel O'Neill handed his gun to Sam and went through the contents of his pack. He pulled out a coiled rope and approached me slowly. I removed the glove from my hand, threw it as far as I could, turned my back on him and extended my wrists backwards.

'It's probably best if I don't see you do it,' I said and coughed. My throat was dry and tight, and it felt as though something was trying to push its way up through my windpipe. 'Whatever happens, don't trust me an inch. And be as quick as you can, please.'

'It's definitely her,' the colonel said over his shoulder to the others. 'I never heard a Goa'uld say please before.'

I grinned at that and felt the rope tighten around my wrists and arms. The colonel tied the rope around my body, pressing my tied arms firmly against my back and then made to tie my knees together as well. I could feel something slip in my mind, my control loosen, like my hand around a heavy object I had been holding for too long.

'Cazzo!,' I cursed under my breath and heard Daniel shout a warning to Colonel O'Neill before I slipped back into my mind and once more felt a wall separate me from my senses and control over my body. For a moment my knees sagged before Astarte started screaming and kicking, twisting my body as much as she could, but the colonel held on to my legs and Teal'c, who had stood silently in the background, moved forward to hold down my shoulders.

The colonel threw the rope around my knees and tightened the knot. Astarte was still screaming at the top of my voice, words that I didn't understand, but in Teal'c's face I thought I saw some small recognition. I made a mental note to apologise later for whatever the Goa'uld was throwing at his head. Once the knots were tied, Colonel O'Neill gave a sign and they both let go of me. Astarte rolled around on the ground, unable to break free, shouting strange words and nearly frothing at the mouth. I saw the colonel pull one of the snake-shaped weapons from his belt and point it at me. When he pulled the trigger I saw an explosion of white light, my skin burned and under Astarte's screams everything went black.

I blinked into a bright white light and for a moment wondered if I was dead and this is what came after. But I had always believed in reincarnation, and I could still remember everything. Also I felt my body heavy lying on a bed, and I was sure that that wasn't supposed to happen in the afterlife either. Suddenly the light was eclipsed by a face with a facemask. I blinked again, trying to make out details, but as fast as it had appeared, the face was gone again. When I tried to push myself onto my elbows, I found that I couldn't move my arms. They were tied to the side of the bed. So were my feet and another strap went around my body and one around my neck. I choked when I tried to lift my head and look around, so I just gave up and stared at the bright light above me, until someone turned it off. A mechanical whirring started and the world rose up around me. When the back of my bed was on a more comfortable angle, I could finally see around me.

On my right was Dr Fraiser, looking at scans with some nurses and glancing in my direction every now and again. Once more I saw cables connecting me to several machines that took readings and beeped away in the background. There was quite some bustle of nurses and military personnel in the room, but apart from the doctor I didn't spot a familiar face among them. It took me a while to notice that I was the one doing the moving and the thinking. Where was my unwelcome guest? Was she gone? I could feel her at the back of my mind, but it seemed that she was asleep, or at least unwilling to come out for the moment, and I was free to do as I pleased. But I knew I was weak, and should Astarte so much as twitch, I would have no choice but to go under once more.

'Doctor,' I whispered, and I saw one of the nurses nudge her and point at me.

'Who am I speaking to?,' Dr Fraiser said, her face hard.

'The original,' I said and managed a weak smile. 'Whatever the colonel shot me with, she seems to take it harder than I do.'

'Or it might be the sedative,' Dr Fraiser said and examined one of the liquids flowing into my body through a thin tube. 'I have been experimenting and trying to find something that works on Goa'uld but leaves the human conscious.'

'That would be very helpful,' I agreed and coughed. The choking feeling was still there, but I had another few minutes before the Goa'uld would be stronger than me. 'I'm sorry, I don't have much time. I need your help.'

'How do I know that you really are you?,' Dr Fraiser said and narrowed her eyes.

'You can't,' I replied, more than aware that the Goa'uld had access to all my memories and would easily be able to fool people if she wanted to. 'That's why I told the colonel not to trust me. But while I was shut away inside my mind, I was able to access those Ancient memories. And it seems there is a way to neutralise the Goa'uld in my head.'

'What about the headaches?,' Dr Fraiser interrupted.

'Well, that was the nice part. I didn't have a head to hurt at that point. But the Goa'uld doesn't seem to be able to get into them, which is why she was trying to force me to open them up to her.'

Dr Fraiser nodded and seemed to think about this for a little while. Then she walked over to one of the walls and a little box on it. She spoke into it for a few moments, then suddenly a screen lifted high up on the wall. Behind it was an observation room with high glass walls, and the people in there were all looking down at me. I saw the colonel, Teal'c and Sam, the general and a few other military looking people, who were looking down at me and talking with Dr Fraiser through a microphone in the room. There seemed to be a short conversation between the general and the colonel, then he and Sam left the room and reappeared through the entrance of the infirmary I was in a few moments later. They seemed to be reluctant to get closer to me, but Dr Fraiser just gave them a nod and hurried back to me.

'Janet said you have something to tell us,' Sam said and gave me a sad smile. I could see it on their faces that they thought I was lost forever. I looked at Dr Fraiser.

'I ran all the scans and tests I had,' she said. 'But the Goa'uld is already fused with your body. I'm sorry, this is beyond my abilities now.'

I nodded, careful not to strangle myself again and looked back at Sam.

'There is a way,' I told her. 'But the downside is that I might die, or lose control forever. It's a risk I have to take.'

They didn't reply.

'Remember I told you about my dream in the ruins?,' I continued. 'The one with the woman? I spoke with her again. I think she must have put part of herself into the Ancient memories in my brain. She told me quite a few important things, why I am here and how to get home. But she also told me why there were never any Ancients taken as hosts by the Goa'uld.'

I swallowed, trying to push back the pressure in my throat. Astarte seemed to come back to her senses, and I knew I had to hurry up.

'The Ancients had a defense mechanism that made them immune to most diseases,' I continued. I got a nod from Sam and the doctor, so they had known about that part already. 'Their bodies treated the Goa'uld like any disease, and their immune system was able to take them out. I'm not an Ancient, I don't have their exact physiology, but I have the power to weaken her considerably. The Goa'uld fused with me and has to rely on my metabolism to stay alive. If I die and manage to weaken the Goa'uld before my heart stops, there is a large chance she will die as well.

'I know you can bring me back,' I said directly to Dr Fraiser. 'Even if my heart stops, I know you can get it beating again. But if you do use the defibrillator, you need to use it at the lowest setting. The Goa'uld needs an electric current to stay alive, and if the current is too high, there is a chance she will come back as well.'

I felt Astarte rise up, ready to rage, but I gritted my teeth and held her back. Just a little longer.

'There are so many risks,' I continued through my teeth. 'I might die, the Goa'uld might try to kill me first, or I might just disappear and she will have the body uncontested. But I have to try.'

Dr Fraiser, who had looked at me in silence, gave a slow nod. 'I think it might work,' she said in a quiet voice. 'If you're sure.'

I gave her a quick smile, then looked over at the colonel and Sam.

'I need you to promise me something,' I said in a hoarse voice. In my ears it sounded more like the Goa'uld then me, but I was still holding on. She would be stronger than me in a few moments. 'If I lose, if she comes back and I don't, I want you to kill me.'

Sam gave me a horrified look. 'I can't,' she whispered and took my hand. 'There will be another way, we will find…'

'No,' I interrupted her. 'This is the one chance I have. And I'm glad it is here and with my friends.' I smiled at her. 'But please, I need you to promise. I don't want to live if she is the one coming back. She hurt Daniel, trying to get to me. I won't let her do that to anyone else.'

'I'll do it,' someone said from behind Sam and Colonel O'Neill stepped into my view. I hadn't noticed that he had stayed behind. 'If you don't come back, I'll be the one,' he continued.

I smiled and felt tears rise to my eyes. 'Thank you,' I whispered. 'I'm sorry,' I added, 'I can't hold…'

Astarte rose up from the depths and flung me aside. She started to fight the straps that tied her to the bed and was raging and shouting at the top of her voice. I was glad she sounded like a Goa'uld again this time, not using my voice for her childish tantrums.

'I'm sorry, Doc,' I whispered into nowhere. 'But I'm afraid your sedative didn't work after all.'

I retreated a bit further and tried to gather my strength. I would need it all to win against the monster in my head. And once that was over, maybe I would finally have a moment to myself again. But there was something else I needed to do. I watched as Astarte raged for a while, but growing quiet in the end and I felt her retreat once more. I found it strange, I didn't take her to be the type who gave up so easily, but when I blinked once more and looked around myself, I saw Dr Fraiser next to my bed with a triumphant smile.

'I tried a different drug,' she told me. 'Did it work?'

'For now,' I replied. 'But she seems to adjust within a few minutes.'

'Well, that gives you a few minutes then,' she smiled and I nodded.

'Would it be possible to speak with Daniel?,' I asked and felt slightly silly. 'The others probably told him about my plan already, but there is something I need to tell him myself.'

Dr Fraiser nodded and walked out of the room. I stared at the ceiling for a while, waiting for Astarte to raise her head once more, but it stayed quiet in my head. So I took the opportunity to gather my thoughts. So many things Daniel needed to know, so many things I wanted to say. And I knew that as soon as I saw him, my heart would race and all those thoughts I had lined up would fly out the window.

With the bustle going on in the infirmary, I only noticed Daniel when he stood right next to my bed. His face was pale and he looked worried, but he managed a smile when I looked at him.

'I told you we'd get you out,' he said and pulled a chair next to the bed.

'I thought I was the one who got you out,' I returned and smiled back. I coughed again and felt the pressure in my throat increase. Astarte would be back soon.

'I know it's probably not the best time,' I continued. 'But I'm not sure I'll get another chance, so... If you have a minute, there's a few things I want to tell you.'

'Don't say that,' he said. 'You'll be fine.'

'I don't know that,' I pointed out. 'And I'd rather get this off my chest while I can.' I cleared my throat. 'I'm not sure how long the sedative will work on her. So I don't have much time left.'

He nodded and leaned a little closer.

'There's a few things about me I haven't really told anyone,' I started. 'Sam knows, but I think you should know as well, and after this I don't think it matters if the others know or not, so you can tell them as well. It mainly concerns certain events in my world five years ago. That's when I first met Jeff and Lucy, who you know about, and the  _other_  Daniel. I'll try not to be too confusing,' I added, but I saw Daniel only smile in response. I had expected him to raise his eyebrows or give me one of his confused looks, but this reaction put me off my beat.

'You don't have to tell me,' he said. 'I already know.'

I opened and closed my mouth a few times, trying to find the right answer to that revelation.

'O-okay,' I finally managed. 'I asked Sam not to tell anyone.'

'She didn't,' he said and looked down at his feet, then back up at me. 'I'm sorry, I heard the whole thing when you told Sam. I was on the other side of the wall. I heard everything.'

I just lay in my bed and looked at him without saying a word for a few moments. I remembered that I heard someone on the other side of the wall, but I didn't know how long he had been there.

'I shouldn't have,' Daniel continued. 'I was hoping you'd tell me eventually. Actually, I was looking for you after you stormed off and heard your voice, but I didn't want to interrupt. Sorry, I should have told you sooner.'

'No, it's alright,' I interrupted him. 'I'm the one who should apologise. But every time I tried so far I didn't really do a good job.' I gave a sarcastic laugh and coughed again, trying to dislodge the clump in my throat. 'Well, that saves me some time at least, if I don't have to tell you that long story. Right, where was I?'

I looked at the ceiling, trying to remember what else there was to tell him. Someone cleared their throat and I looked up. Three people had joined Daniel by my bed, and all of them were known to me.

'Oh look,' I said and grinned. 'It's the farewell committee.'

'Don't say that,' Sam said and gave a sad smile. 'You'll be alright.'

'Of course,' I said without conviction. Then I snapped my fingers. 'Ah, yes. Circe. That's what I wanted to tell you.'

'Circe?' They all looked at me.

'First Odysseus and now Circe?,' Daniel asked.

'Yes,' I replied. 'She's the woman from my dream. She's the Ancient who messed with my head in the first place, and I'm pretty sure she's also the one who sent me here.' I took a deep breath. 'Long story short, the Ancients need me, and you four, to do something. Circe wouldn't tell me much, but it's to do with the Odyssey. Odysseus was one of them, and she was one who tried to stop him. Homer's Odyssey is apparently something like a metaphor for the events back then. Oh, I wish I remembered her exact words,' I bit my lip, trying to remember what she had told me.

'I think I'm getting it,' Daniel said slowly. 'Odysseus was one of the Ancients, and they probably tried to catch him for something he did.'

'Yeah,' I said. 'I think he interfered with human history somewhere. But it's much bigger than that. His Odyssey, it wasn't in the Mediterranean. It went across the galaxy. And the names of the islands he visits…'

'... are actually planets inhabited by the Ancients,' Sam and Daniel said together. I saw the colonel raise his eyebrows at Teal'c.

'Did you get any of that?,' he asked out of the corner of his mouth. Teal'c just pulled the corners of his mouth down and closed his eyes.

'How did you know?,' I asked the other two quietly. They looked at each other.

'Well, when you said you dreamt about someone mentioning Ulysses, I started making some research,' Daniel began. 'And one of the inscriptions in the ruins actually mentioned Aeaea. That's the island where Circe detains Odysseus for a while.'

'So then he came to me and we had a look,' Sam continued. 'If you take the origin of his journey, which in the myth was Troy and in his case probably Earth, and take some maps and star charts and compare the distance between the islands and the planets…'

'In other words,' I interrupted the scientific explanation, 'you managed to find the other planets the Odyssey refers to?'

'We did,' Sam smiled. 'We even have the gate addresses to most of them.'

I took a deep breath. The clump in my throat became larger and I could feel Astarte stir at the back of my mind.

'Wow,' was all I managed. Daniel and Sam grinned, while the colonel and Teal'c just looked on impassively.

'Okay guys, time is up,' I said and tried to find a more comfortable position without moving more than I was able to. 'I think it's best if you leave,' I said and looked at them. 'I don't want you to see this.'

'We're not going anywhere,' Sam said, and the other three definitely shared her determination. I smiled at them.

'Thanks. Just please don't take anything she will say personally.' I turned my head and tried to spot Dr Fraiser. She appeared at my other side and looked at me expectantly.

'It's time then?,' she asked and I nodded.

'Is there anything else you need to know?,' I asked and tried to swallow the clump in my throat away. 'The basic idea is I will stop my heart and hopefully kill the Goa'uld before you bring me back.'

She nodded with a serious face. 'We have the equipment standing by, and some adrenaline should we need it.'

'No,' I said. 'No adrenaline. And no high voltage. Don't try too hard to bring me back, otherwise she'll come back, too.'

I could tell that those instructions made Dr Fraiser uneasy. It greatly diminished the chances of her being able to revive me, I knew that, but I had to be sure. Circe had been very specific, and while I was more than aware that I might not make it, I was still determined to try everything in my power to come back. Nobody would stop me now.

I took another deep breath. This felt like preparing for a deep dive, all the way to the bottom of a black hole.

'Alright everyone,' I said. 'This is it. If I don't come back, please burn my drawings.'

'You know nobody would do that,' Dr Fraiser said and smiled. 'I'm ready when you are.'

I looked back at SG1 and managed a smile, while something in my throat seemed to stop me from breathing.

'I'll be back,' I rasped and - more for effect than anything - closed my eyes while I stopped my struggle to stay in control. Astarte surfaced and once more started to fight the straps.

'I will kill you all!,' she shouted at the top of her voice. 'You will regret imprisoning a goddess!'

'You can always tell which one it is,' I heard the colonel remark to the others, as they took a few steps back. 'Those Goa'uld just have no manners.'

The bustle around me increased and I saw several nurses and medical staff take positions around my bed, ready to jump into action should anything happen. In the silence of my mind I gathered my thoughts, then I slowly reached out towards the blackness of the Ancient memories and let my mind go blank. I could feel the tingle of the memories go through my head and down my spine. And after a few moments I could hear the screams of Astarte change.

'No, what are you doing?,' she screeched, tossing around as if that would do anything. 'Stop it at once!'

After that she didn't bother with words. Under animalic screams she tossed and fought the straps, but to no avail, the ancient memories I shrouded myself and my mind with kept her away. I focussed on the blackness, let it course through my mind and as much of my body as I could still feel. Astarte's rage seemed to slow more and more, the screams became more quiet after a little while longer she was just struggling against the bonds while growling through clenched teeth. She seemed to be cursing under her breath in her strange language, but I could feel that she had grown weaker, and I knew that this was the chance I had waited for.

The world outside my eyes had gone blurry. I had hoped I'd catch one last clear glimpse of my friends, but I had said my goodbyes, so I just had to go for it.

'Alright, Astarte,' I said quietly to the inside of my head. 'Now we will see who is stronger.' I took a deep breath - metaphorically, after all I didn't have any lungs to breathe with - and focussed all my attention on my heart. And then, with surprising ease, I made it stop. The world in front of my eyes disappeared, and so did everything else.

Darkness was everything I knew. Everything around me. I was floating. There was a loud ringing noise in my ears, and then everything shook for a second, like I had been struck with a hammer.

'Go again, quickly!'

Garbled voices like from an old, broken record came through to me, but I couldn't make sense of them. Even simple language was beyond my capabilities.

'Clear!'

My black world shook again. Still there was the constant ringing noise, like an electric note. If you strung a computer cable so tight you could use it as a musical string and then played on it with a bow, that would be the kind of noise you got.

'No, no adrenaline. We have to keep with her instructions.'

It was quite warm where I was. And the darkness was comforting, not frightening at all. If only the noise would stop, then I could finally go to sleep.

'But doctor, it's not working.'

Something about the words made sense to me, but it seemed to far and abstract for me to grasp.

'Pan.'

There was a warm voice that filled my world, and suddenly I didn't feel tired. I couldn't understand what was said, but some part of me did and tried to nudge me. This one syllable had an important meaning, even if I couldn't figure out what it was. Deep inside me I heard a single drum beat. There was silence for an eternity, and then there was another.

'I think it's working.'

The drum started to beat, slowly and quietly at first, but every beat seemed to be louder and a little sooner than the last one. Every time the drum sounded I felt myself stir, as if it went straight into my soul and shook my very being. And every beat seemed to pull be down.

'Pan, you have to come back.'

Everything felt so heavy. But something moved in the darkness, and it took me a moment to realise that it was a finger. My finger. That's right, I had fingers. I saw a soft white glow in front of me, and the more aware I became of the voices, my finger, then my hand and the rest of my body, the brighter and larger the light became. I blinked and felt my face move. My eyelids weighed as much as a truck, but I fought to keep them open. Something appeared in the light. I saw a pair of blue eyes.

It's the angel again, I thought. And then: Wait, what angel?

I blinked again and now there were more eyes. The eyes grew into faces and after a few heart beats, and yes, I was sure they were heart beats, I could see them clearly. Three men and two women. They all looked expectant, and one with grey short hair was glowering at me.

'Which one are you this time,' he growled.

I blinked. The weight of my eyelids made the down part easy, but it felt like a hundred years before I had them open again.

'The one which won,' I slurred and tried to stick my tongue out at him. Somehow I felt like I was drunk. I had felt like this before, I was sure about it. Some dark night somewhere in Oxford. 'Would you mind speaking a little more quietly, please? My head hurts.'

I saw them look at each other and the grey-haired man shrugged.

'Not sure,' he declared. 'Could be the snake trying to trick us.'

I half-closed my eyes again and thought of the things I couldn't remember. Names was one of them. Also, what had I won? Was there a prize? My head felt fuzzy, and my heartbeat droned in my ears, as if I hadn't heard it in a long time and only now started to notice it again. One of the women, she had brown hair in a ponytail and a fringe, looked down at some papers and back at me with a frown.

'I ran every scan I could,' she said in a hushed voice. 'I can't find any trace of a second brain pattern. The body of the Goa'uld is still in place, but as far as we know, if it really is dead your body will absorb it over the next few days.'

'What's a Goa'uld?,' I heard myself ask and paused. Why was I asking that? I was one, wasn't I? Or wasn't I one, and that was the whole idea of it? It was so hard to remember. I wanted to rub across my forehead, but I couldn't even lift my hand. When I tried to look down to see why it was so heavy, I wasn't able to lift my head either. Something choked me and my head dropped back on the pillow. The man with the blue eyes - why did I keep thinking that he was an angel? - smiled and reached out to my hand, but the grey-haired man grabbed his wrist and shook his head.

'Why are you here?,' I asked the blue eyes. 'Why didn't you go with the others when we set the angels free? I'm sure you did.'

The five faces above me looked at each other.

'There was a chance of slight amnesia, I'm afraid,' the woman with brown hair said. 'But it should only be temporary.'

I shook my head and tried again to lift my hand to my face, only to be held back by the strap.

'No, wait,' I said. 'That was the other one, wasn't it? I'm sorry. I'm trying to get it all together, but … I don't think I'm getting it in the right order. Someone threw daggers at me, in a room that wasn't the right way round.'

They looked at each other again and the other woman frowned. The grey-haired man said: 'Actually, that sounds familiar.'

'No,' I said. 'I don't think you were there. And there were spheres with lightning that hovered through the air. And I think I lost Daniel's jacket when I was attacked.'

'We found the jacket,' the blonde woman said and gave me a smile. 'And we saw the guardians as well, so you're going in the right direction.'

'As… Aster… no. I can't remember,' I closed my eyes and moved my tongue around my mouth a few times, trying to get my consonants lined up. 'Astarte. That was her name. I tried to kill her. I think … I think she's dead.'

I could feel tears rise to my eyes. Why did that make me sad? Astarte, now that I remembered the name, I hated her. I had wanted her to die. She hurt my friends. She hurt me. But somehow it made me sad to think she wouldn't be back. As if it was a part of myself that I had lost, for better or for worse.

'She needs rest,' I heard the woman with brown hair - Dr Fraiser, that's right - say over my bed. 'Once she had some sleep, she should be back to our old Pan.'

'Are you sure,' the colonel asked and gave me another mistrusting look.

'Yes,' the doctor said in a firm voice. 'And the sooner you start trusting her, the easier the way back for her will be.'

With those words she started to undo the buckles of the straps holding me down. Daniel and Sam, I finally remembered them, helped and after a few moments I was free to move. In theory at least. When I tried to get up, I just slumped back down. Hands took my arms and helped me off the bed and then supported me as I made my way to the door on unsteady feet. On either side of me I noticed Daniel and Sam holding me upright, and I could hear footsteps behind me, so I knew the others were following as well. I remembered the way to my room, so I wasn't sure whether they were leading me or if I was the one giving directions. But we arrived at the door nevertheless. The guard opened it with a key card and stepped aside. They carefully sat me down on the edge of the bed and then all five stood around me in an awkward semicircle.

'Well, thank you for that honour guard,' I managed a grin. 'But if it's all the same, I think I need some time alone. Get my brain sorted out, decide what is me and what is left over from her.'

Sam nodded. She seemed to understand what I was saying, but the others gave me worried looks.

'Are you sure you're going to be alright by yourself?' Daniel crouched down in front of me. For a moment I thought he was about to take my hand, but then he changed his mind and just gave me a piercing look.

I smiled and nodded, not sure how convincing I was in my condition. 'I'll be fine,' I said. Sam took his arm and maneuvered him towards the door. She motioned to the others to follow and - reluctantly in the colonel's case - they did.

'Take your time,' Sam said as the pulled the door shut and gave me another one of her smiles. 'We'll be here when you need us.'

I smiled back and heard the door fall shut. Then someone locked it from the outside. I didn't blame them. It was probably for the best. At the moment I didn't even trust myself. I pushed myself back to my feet and somehow made it to the desk. There were still some blank pages I didn't use yet. While I twirled the pencil around between my fingers, my eyes moved across the room and stopped on the little mirror on the wardrobe. The door was slightly ajar and I could see myself in it. As I watched, I thought I saw a white flash move across my eyes. I blinked and it was gone. For a moment I searched in my mind, searched for the slightest sign of the other one, but apart from me there was only silence.

So I shrugged and, quietly humming to myself, I started to sketch my worries away.


End file.
